33 Things to Keep in Mind When Dating

It can be hard to know what to look for when you start dating again in recovery.

In this segment from Tim's Re-Parenting series, he goes over the 33 criteria to look at when dating someone new, especially while healing or in recovery. It can be hard to know how to date in general, but finding healthy people is essential for staying the course on your healing journey.

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[urwdduz]

This list but directed to oneself it’s a great exercise. “Am I all this things myself?” “should I expect from someone the things I don’t even have?

[letterhead]

In case anybody wanted to keep this list as reference, I wrote it down: 33 Criteria – for yourself and for them!
The person is:
1. Able to give and receive the 8 A’s (attachment, authenticity, autonomy – balance of togetherness & alone, attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, allowing/encouraging).
2. Able to be present to themselves and to you.
3. Committed to consistently attach / share at a deep level.
4. Aware of their emotions, honest about their emotions and regularly process their emotions in healthy ways.
5. Truly want to understand you.
6. Healing their shame – love and accept themselves.
7. See themselves as equal, not superior or inferior. Have true humility.
8. Able to express their needs and desires.
9. Able to set a boundary and say no.
10. Trustworthy – keeps commitments & agreements.
11. Honesty
12. Actively doing things to keep growing.
13. Have other safe people in their life that they have deep conversations with.
14. Deepest passions and values mesh. Have a shared life purpose.
15. Able to handle conflict in healthy ways.
16. Follows a path of reconciliation, not retaliation, after hurt.
17. Able to own their failure. Doesn’t resort to gaslighting, blaming, minimizing, denying.
18. Doesn’t have a preconceived idea about what your role should be; wants you to become your authentic self.
19. Able to set boundaries with their own family and close friends. Don’t cave to pressure.
20. Doesn’t have other codependent relationships with family, friends, past relationships. Can say no to them.
21. Though it is important that they have other healthy relationships, it gradually becomes apparent that you are the highest priority.
22. Their values/priorities and definition of success/happiness.
a. Work/rest/relationship balance
b. Success of external world (job, money, looks) vs health of internal world
23. Doesn’t expect someone (you) to meet all their needs.
24. Has no active addictions.
25. Beware of extremisms or obsessions in politics, religious, ‘causes’.
26. Doesn’t operate by a rigid, black and white world view.
27. Isn’t only interested in sex; or doesn’t pay attention to you sexual needs and desires.
28. Manages money well – doesn’t have foolish debts or is impulsive with money.
29. What depth of caring characterizes their communication? Do they regularly share openly or are they quite guarded?
30. Doesn’t subtly disrespect you or put you down.
31. “RAM” – has the necessary emotional energy to handle the demands and triggers of an intimate relationship – triggers, stress, conflict, insecurities, hurts, fears.
32. Healing done of past major relationship wounds.
a. Sexual abuse
b. Past partner cheating on them or major relationship betrayal
33. Meets the approval of an important trio – your head, heart and gut.
a. This means you don’t ignore red flags.
b. The warmth you feel isn’t just oxytocin.
c. It may be helpful to have a head/heart/gut report from someone else who you deeply trust.

[naturalebeing]

I started dating a man about a month and a half ago and he constantly surprises me with how healthy and good he is. Like every time I go out on a limb saying or doing something that would've gotten me a toxic/negative reaction in my previous relationships, he does the complete opposite, he responds in a way that's soothing and reassuring. We went out for my birthday the other night and I saw some male friends and went to catch up with them, he ran into some people he knew. When I noticed he had finished talking to them and was close by, I went and said "hey, im sorry I walked away from you, you were talking to your friends so I thought id catch up with mine" he went, "what? don't apologize for that..." I went "okay sorry thats something I would've had to say in the past" and he goes, "I'm not your past." and went on to tell me that I should always feel comfortable doing my own thing so long as I stop by to give him a kiss on the cheek every once in a while, and to never worry about hugging male friends or anything like that. He knows I had a crazy jealous ex. I'm trying to keep my head on straight because it's still early, but I've never felt this way before. I've only dated abusive/toxic people I never really loved because they were toxic/abusive, it just felt safe and normal to me.

[Savvynomad]

I think one addiction that gets overlooked is alcohol. It’s so ubiquitous to drink alcohol, it seems to be subtly excused as an addiction with layers and layers of excuses. I think as part of the addiction check, it’s wise to see if the person can function at social events without any booze and that it doesn’t cause any strife to not have any.

[tammygress]

Your voice is so calming. I would compare you to Mister Rogers. The way you speak about difficult topics with clear understanding and leadership is admirable. Thank you

[NattyByNature-]

This was really good. I’ll revisit every time I start dating.

[andziagreen]

Tim you are a blessing for those of us who can't afford private therapies. God bless you and thank you again. Your videos are part of my weekly recovery sessions from multiple issues.

[BlackNella]

This was so overwhelming. Made me feel like why even bother? How is it possible to know all of these things about someone before moving forward with them. In some instances you can only know what someone will share

[marinakukso]

great video! and also: remember that one should be all of these things to their partner as well!

[babyshooz]

Tim Fletcher, you are the father figure I never had and didn't know I needed. As I embark on navigating the dating world though a new lens, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your wisdom!

[jowaters]

So VERY HELPFUL that you advised us that a person can meet the initial checklist and still be a NARCISSIST!!!

[PeaceOwl]

Thank you very much for your thorough and generous content Tim. Your channel really is amazing. Wish you every success in 2025.

[mininggoldmeister]

Also, and the main issue with everyone who hasn't healed enough and done their inner work - there is a very good chance that they will be subconsciously attracted to the unhealthy person who triggers all their trauma wounds. A person needs to get to the place in their healing where they trust themselves first. They have safety that comes from inside them, from knowing who they are, who understands and has developed their core values, who has developed strong, healthy boundaries and knows those boundaries will keep them safe. They also need to teach themselves what a healthy, loving relationship looks like because there is a very great chance they never saw it growing up. They also need to sit down and start to identify (make a list of traits!) of what a emotionally mature male or female in an adult body looks like vs what a scared little boy or girl living in an adult body looks like. Sitting down and purposefully thinking that thru before you start dating again brings such clarity and focus to what will feel right and what will make our alarm bells go off. People should be healed enough where their inner man can recognize when their boundaries are being crossed because what they feel is right there, on the suface (not buried under years of trauma) warning of uncomfortable people who are bad for us.
Also, clearly determine what your non-negotiable boundaries are as far as what is acceptable behavior and traits you will or will not tolerate from a significant other, and what are your negotiable boundaries that allow you to compromise, accept and overlook someone's behaviors.
Use your non-negotiable boundaries as your guidepost and don't renege hoping things will change, or they will improve as you get to know them better.

[arackelianarsen]

lm literally have a date with someone special tomorrow, perfect timing😊

[sunrayrosin]

thank you again Tim Fletcher. Your react series has been one of, if not the number one, source of wisdom as a real resource in healing my own life and my relationships with my own children and the people in my life. I can’t express how valuable YOUR personal delivery style has been for so many people, especially me. Outstanding.

[CrimsonWave]

Thank you for this. I have prolonged grief from a situationship that really confused and hurt me. This video helps me see how unhealthy it was, even when he tried to fault me for everything.

[chelseastrmserver]

This person you’re describing seems like a fairy tale character like Prince Charming. lol. Unfortunately it’s like the unicorn or the needle in the haystack. The important thing is being willing to learn and work continually on oneself. Nobody is perfect and I’m far from perfect and I don’t expect perfection from others.

[pipermcpickles]

This is a great checklist and wonderful information, thank you!

[Michael-iwek]

Rule 1: expect to get rejected and receive friendly advice to take care of your own issues first. It's like getting a loan from the bank. The lonelier you feel, the more you need support, the more rejected you will get.

[annemurphy]

My therapist asked me what was on my list for a relationship. My answer? "To not be hurt". I had been abused my entire life. My therapist asked, what about kindness, acceptance, consistency, respect, balanced well being, being seen and heard for "who you are". Did you experience any of these things in your relationships? I answered no to all of those questions for every relationship I had been in and I answered no around my family too. It was SHOCKING! Then I asked the questions towards myself and again it was NO and that was most shocking of all and I knew I had so much work to do.