The Children of Snobs

It can be deeply painful to be the child of snobs. That is, to be someone who received a kind of love in our formative years that was heavily dependent on our performance, not on our essence. It can be enough to make a mess of our lives, unless we realise - and get on top of - the dynamics.

FURTHER READING

“Given how pejorative the term is, we’re understandably keen to locate snobs somewhere far from us. They are the people in the newspaper, or the ones who live in the other part of town or went to the school we didn’t go to – but it’s nice not to imagine them too near to home.
Yet that’s to deny an obvious eventuality: snobs may lie closer to us. Snobs form couples; they have children. And we might be among them. However painful the unvarnished thought, we might be the children of snobs. It’s a situation it can be therapeutic to face up to and to try to make sense of…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Kate Balchin

[theschooloflifetv]

Thank you for watching, share this video and help us spread emotional intelligence. What do you think of being "triggered"? Let us know in the comments below and

[chandrikav]

This is a serious issue in south east Asia. Children do not have their own say in what they actually want or how they want to live their life, it is always what the the parents think is best for them which sadly is mostly dictated by society.

[deniseh]

My parents were not snobs BUT my father's love was definitely conditional on how well I did in school.

[jcherry]

There is a boy who always tells me how much money he makes and that he buys everything. He also has rich parents. I always say, that that doesn't impress me. I go babysitting and i love it. I earn 5€ per hour and i enjoy being with children. And he thinks that i should search for something better. I'm happy that my mother showed me how important money is but that it isn't everything. She loves her job at a nurse even if it doesn't pay that much. But the feeling of helping somebody is much more fulfilling than everything else. I hope i can become a child therapist some day because i suffer from mental disorders and often had the feeling, that nobody understands me, even my therapists.

[novahynes]

Well, the rich or the poor, snobs or the working class, there are lots of people who follow a group of their choosing and lack an independent center of judgement. Whether we are their children or we are them, we have to learn how to perceive the world and judge situations in an individual and independent way.

[georgiana]

This comes at perfect time. I was pleased with my psychological state until I took some time off work. Two weeks in and I am flooded with staggering shame the first thing when I wake up. As the day progresses and I try to improve some parts of my life and myself that have been neglected for a while I still feel unachieved and under pressure.
The fact of being/becoming a cool person is not satisfying in itself. Because my parents conditioned their love I am unable to appreciate my qualities and skills unless they are put to good use.
I realize now that I will never be able to fully enjoy myself and my life until I address this issue. I hope one day I will do nothing particularly useful for a month and be ok with it.

[theaxisofinsight]

Snobbish parents unintentionally turn their kids into perfectionists, making it harder for those kids to navigate through life because they seem to forget that they can't be good at everything.

[risainternet]

This echoes much of what the raised by narcissists and Asian parent stories subreddits affirm...that I am not alone in having had conditional love from parents with low self confidence. Who saw their children as extensions of themselves and not as independent people. Who pressed achievement over all else.

Great video. There are many paths to overcoming these issues. Check the aforementioned subreddits if you need help navigating the path to realizing your own worth! You're not alone.

[dannyallegra]

I was the child of snobs and because of that, I lack a sense of who I am and what I want. But because I'll be a mother soon, I've been working really hard in not doing this to my child. I just talked about this with my therapist yesterday, how I have the snob voice of my parents in my head even though I don't truly believe that what those voices say is important for my child's wellbeing. I know that what is important is to love him for who he is. My therapist is optimistic about my self-awareness progress and as my future role as a mother.

[DobbysStinkySock]

The sad reality today is that with social media, parents can now flaunt their children for online gratification. For them, it's similarly as valuable as the things mentioned in this video, like educational and financial status. An online presence or following for some parents is an excuse for them to exploit their children online. Really sickening.

I grew up in a snobbish culture but I was lucky to have kind parents. My mom loved me for me at the end of the day, even though she pushed for me to do well (which was for my future anyways). My siblings' children are the exact opposite, raised in a narcissistic household that values both success and nonconformity. They want their kids to conform to be successful while maintaining the unique and stubbornness that makes them "special" and "one of a kind". The result is a child who can't take losing, but is also too arrogant to win.

[sjwells]

I definitely struggled with the idea of being valuable just for existing. I always thought your value was the sum of your achievements, I pretty much still do, but I’m now aware that people are valuable just for existing and I’m trying to ingrain that way of thinking into me, but it’s hard. Growing up I was always valued for my academic achievement, but at 16 I finally felt valuable for something else - I got my first boyfriend. For once I felt pretty and fun and interesting. My grades slipped but I no longer cared. And then he left - and suddenly I had neither my grades or this boy to make me valuable for anything. It was a bit of a crisis and ever since I’ve been trying to expand my identity and value myself for a wide range of things. I hope one day I will be able to value myself just for existing, but it’s a long road!

[HARIAKRIS]

In india every parent is a snob. I took philosophy as a major and everybody thinks im going insane.

[jfhow]

I always figured my mom was a snob (the social / religious kind), but this video really helps in understanding what is behind it.
My father was definitely not a snob, but a respected doctor just the same.
But it was a loveless marriage.
I was cared for by people who saw me as a kind of accessory which would reflect well on them.
Either I performed or I was 'cast out' figuratively speaking.
Eventually I stopped communicating with my mother completely, just to stay sane.
My life has followed the predictable outcome you talk about - depression, breakdowns, a sense of failure in life, self destructive behaviour.
Now, in retirement, it all makes sense.
My folks have passed on. I have learned to be complete in myself without any need to please others.
I appreciate others for what they are, and in understanding I need them.
Relieved of the necessity of work, I now find meaning and connection in following discussions like this.
I don't need to perform.
Life itself is full of joy once you take away the harness that society and its hangups puts us in.

[abhiramivelu]

I think there is a way to combine genuine love with setting appropriate standards so the child feels supported but also motivated to achieve goals 🥸

[hannahnymous]

Thank you for reminding me that I am enough. This is timely as I'm learning to love myself more and healing my inner child.

[Tangerinetaco]

2:57 “If you don’t perform, you cannot be loved.” Spot on!!!

[mukamaslove]

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS:I've literally just had a mental breakdown and my life has just been upside down:school of life just casually explained my life to me, I'm in shock

[navidbadiozaman]

So true and it gets very ugly when you, for any reason, won't be able to live up to your snob parent's demands and expectations.

[TechReviewTom]

This explains so much, all my life I’ve been pushed in school. Life is all about school, finishing school and getting a good job to be ‘successful’. Yeah these things are important but it’s all my family is about. I go through school with a learning disability but their expectations for me to finish don’t change. It’s misery.

[shrutimahant]

can you make videos about the children of narcissists and narcissistic siblings?that would be very helpful to a lot of people....