Why We Should Refuse to Get Into Arguments

We should resist invitations to argue by recognising them for what they are: attempts by the other party to rescue themselves from unbearable feelings.

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FURTHER READING

“However deep our theoretical commitment to serenity, in the course of an average day, we are likely to encounter a number of extremely well-crafted invitations to lose our tempers badly.

Our partner will press a well-flagged nuclear button related, let’s imagine, to their views on our mother or our career choice. At work, a colleague may deliberately not answer a very simple question to which we urgently need an answer. A shop attendant may give us a bored, insolent shrug. Someone in the supermarket may falsely accuse us of standing in the wrong line…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Hannah O’brien

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[pch]

As I get older, the phrase "picking your battles" seems increasingly wise. Most are pointless.

[stanleyconnor]

- How do you manage to live so well?
- It's simple - I don't argue at all.
- But this is impossible!
- Yes, you are right.
😂

[medusagorgon]

This is so true. Some people genuinely enjoy a level of chaos and dysfunction. Once I realize where a conversation is going I immediately shift my tone and words. I wave myself out of that energy and walk away.

[Sapphire.]

A lack of understanding of someone's point of view or actions can be misconstrued as an invitation for an argument or a fight. Hearing and understanding people even when you disagree with them calms a lot and make things better.

[pfb]

When i respect someone intensely, i can pick up on their emotional triggers. When they pop at me I let them and eventually they apologize and admit what i already knew. It had nothing to do with me. Arguments are the same to me. Really its them arguing internally and your presence just allows for outwardly expression

[Cinephileofmany]

I’m a man in his 30’s who has a mother a bit like this. An anxious argumentative woman, with some hidden aggression, often trying to goad a debate of some kind. I have almost become a ninja at shutting it down and having cold logical responses to such provocations. Sometimes not answering at all. Not an easy thing to form barriers against a mother like that and step into adulthood okay, ready to be intimate and open.

[Storifiedyt]

The Narrator deserves a gold medal for such an eloquently beautiful narration.

[channel-nvxc]

The problem is a lot of people think they're the ones being aggresed and can't tell when they're being the aggressors.

[simonhodgetts]

I learnt a while ago that arguments are just a waste of energy, so I try not to get into them, especially with anyone who seems to think that by getting aggressive, they’ll get their own way. I’ll simply walk away from this behaviour, or tell them ‘I’m not going to engage with you’ and let them fester. Some people thrive on friction, and they are welcome to be like that, just not with me.

[nicolaiqbal]

Caveat: obviously there are people who have the opposite problem, and never argue, never stand up for themselves, when they really should. Some things are worth debating, worth fighting for!

[zoombinifleen]

You mention arguments as a way for people to reduce their own stress, but in my experience unsolicited advice/criticisms/opinions are the #1 way people deflect from their own issues to "help" (I.E: Annoy and irritate) others in their life in an attempt to take control of their own disastrous life by controlling others.

[HealthFactsLife]

If someone has control of your emotions, they are also in control of your actions. Be resilient. Don’t get easily offended. Listen in carefully, but don’t left them lynch you into their chaos.

[niksfloyd]

I know the solution provided in this video is so hard to follow but I needed this today. Thank you

[marquis]

Yes, and. . . . sometimes we can have productive disagreements to better understand one another, the issues, and ourselves. Those interactions, too, are called "arguments." If we refuse to get into those arguments, we miss opportunities for growth, understanding and reflection. Also, as PFB74 implies below, we can sometimes help those we love by hearing out their unresolved arguments, allowing and helping them to work things through, without engaging our inner triggers. I call this "bearing witness" to others. So, to the good advice and clear explanation of this video, we might think about "why we should refuse to get [caught up in fruitless] arguments, " while staying alert and engaged when others are trying to connect with us.

[Evilwetness]

Holy School of Life! Yet again, I needed to hear this.

[Uncommonsenses]

I find putting on my best British accent and calmly informing the argumentative person that I have ‘far more important things to do’ always de-escalates the situation nicely.

[NidusFormicarum]

Yes. We all need validation, to be seen and listened to. However, when we no longer feel respected it's time to go. When the other party is so arrogant as to think they have a better understanding of matters than we who have lived with our issues for our entire lifes, then there is no respect left in the relationship/friendship.

[dubtingThoms]

This is true sometimes, but thinking it's always true is an even bigger problem. Sometimes criticism is valid

[lawaleto]

"We must sidestep the many dragnets because we have so many other, truly more important things to do." A person who is dysregulated and emotionally hijacked, or temporarily lacking logic, may see your calmness as indifference or even confirmation that they are x (worthless, unwanted, etc.) depending on their critical inner voice. Loving someone who hasn't had the privilege of working on their inner child wounds and adult manifestations of these wounds (undiagnosed mental illness) can be both challenging and rewarding. None of us makes it through the cauldron of childhood unscarred, and I'm grateful to have a partner who loves me despite that.

[beccafranklin]

I was caused a scene last weekend because a woman spoke rudely to my disabled child. I was so angry, I tried to calmly explain he didn’t understand. I did expect her to apologise once she realised she had been rude to a disabled child. Instead she told me she works with disabled children and she has plenty of awareness. I certainly didn’t feel any better for speaking up. And now just feel more worried about what carers may be like when I’m not around.