How Do You Know When It's Time to End a Relationship?

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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How Do You Know When It's Time to End a Relationship?

Podcast Ep. 004: Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge

In Episode 004, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, answers the question, "How do you know when it's time to end a relationship?"

In this video, I talk about inviting assessing the relationship. The goal is to find clarity about what is really going on so we can determine when it's time to end.

All questions for Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge come from members of the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, where we Learn how to create more secure, meaningful, emotional connections.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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How Do You Know When It's Time to End a Relationship?

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[marcyallison]

Best online relationship therapist for people with attachment/trauma issues!!

[Amysbiblereads]

“Sometimes spending time apart feels like relief”
Me: *screams*

[lifebeelifebee]

How do I know when to end a relationship? When I start watching videos like this

[lesliemontagne]

Confusion? Yep. Totally confused. Either he doesn’t know what he wants, can’t explain what he wants, is afraid to ask for what he wants ….I just know nothing about him after 42 years. I’m not a mind reader, I’m tired of being responsible for all the decision making, I don’t have a crystal ball. I am exhausted and my very simple needs are not met despite the fact that I’ve clearly defined everything for him. He hides behind his work. I’ve moved out. If he can’t define what his path looks like for him, I’m building a new road. Thank you Mr. Robarge.

[chelseawhoelsee]

"A strong feeling that you just don't like him or her." lol

Oh god help me!

[peacejoy]

Everything you described was where I was at in my 20 year marriage. I should have ended it way before I did. When he took a breath I was irritated. It was just a projection of inner work I needed to do that had nothing to do with him. I was miserable.

[prozacchiwawa]

The most important talk about relationships ever. You are doing great work.

[marywolfe]

Trust is the foundation of any. HEALTHY. relationship!

[jennmemphis]

Holy shit does this resonate. My ex raked every last nerve I had. Clearly he felt the same way. For years it was great. Then it wasn't. He was the opposite of what I want in many ways.

[charlenejoy]

Love your work, Alan. Thank you for helping me recover. I am 66, so it's never too late. This is my favorite video so far, and the timing in my life is perfect. I will pass it along to all the people I know who are still in recovery. BRAVO! You are a gift to mankind. Truly.

[ChauniB]

What if it’s one person undermining the others partners attempts to repair? Silent treatment, isolation, not taking responsibility, gaslighting their partner. Is this attachment trauma or abuse?

[MikeJackson]

This is incredible. I feel both reminded of issues and vindicated for them after listening. My communication was awful for most of the time, I was unable to speak without snapping at her after so much resentment had set in. We still spent time together and had good times in the last year but something was missing.

When we initially split it was horrible, but was a relief too. In the long run it's been incredibly tough. However, when I think about it, I was repelled in the end and tried to spend as much time away from her as possible. That's not right.

Thank you for this moment of clarity, I needed it. It's been a tough day.

[theworldisgreenerandgreener]

I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I see some of these scenarios as repairable, as situations where communication has gone bad or really bad. Expert help would be needed, of course, but if we are misinterpreting each other or we have built up resentment, I think those are things that could be worked out and repaired.

[ashiff]

1. A lot of confusion in life.
2. Resentment, growing on for sometime (ongoing irritation, disgusting feeling), picking up on small stuff
3. Highly suspectful, ERODED TRUST.
4. Gridlock place, given up on relationships, no one take lead to repair relationships, if one does partner put then down. Expectations to read mind by partner.
*5. Cronic feeling of unsettelment, unease, disgusting when together. Staying apart feels relief.*
6. Continue arguing, drama cycle highs and lows cycle. Poking eachother, bringing old arguments.
7. No direct intimacy. No meaningful conversation.
8. You can't see future together. No realistic dream together. But a lot unrealistic future fantacy, future faking when present situation is not working, no loving, connecting situation.

[thisgustin]

This video WILL help you gain that perspective that you didn't know you needed to hear. Thanks Robarge. This was practically my recently ended relationship. Do you think a relationship like this is still salvageable? Maybe after we have each worked on ourselves?

[Daneiladams]

Endings are the worst for me
Traumatizing

[rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid]

I hope you read this.
You are such a decent and sweet human being.
When i listen to you, i feel loved.

[smileys]

We really need your coaching with the next step. How to actually end it.

What to say, when to bring it up, what to do after, how to deal with the other person's emotions, their anger and denial, their unwillingness to cooperate and let it go. How do we walk away, Alan....

[lunaava]

If everyone was healthy emotionally and were educated in recognising their own emotions we would do so much better. A ‘trust inventory’, a ‘kindness inventory’....it’s not positive when I look at my 5 year relationship. My resentment bank is full, I made so many deposits in there. I couldn’t discuss with him because he would ‘link’ everything and when we did talk it would always end in him saying he was a bad person, and should just die, in fact I lost track of the number of times he said that. I never felt like he was there for me, there was no emotional reliability. Is it possible to work with you Alan ? Nothing available on your website on the appointments calendar ??