Finding Love after 50: Why Do People Attract and Choose to Stay in Unhappy Relationships?

Why do people attract and choose to stay in unhappy relationships? Finding love after 50, do YOU have a pattern of attracting and staying in an unhappy relationship? You’re not alone! Dr. Gary Salyer, author of Safe to Love Again, explains why so many of us choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, how our attachment style could be keeping us in a pattern of choosing unhappy relationships, and what we can do about it!



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[amygalvin]

Spot on. You can actually feel you won’t be able to survive without this person despite how unhealthy they are for you.

[sesvaoffice]

wow. positive friends - so important. took me a while to work that one out. A friend with the same problems as yourself can reinforce continuation of the cycle of bad relationships.

[ssiegreen]

Perhaps some of us "older" folks stay longer than we should, because that's how we were brought up! From "you made your bed - now lay in it" [my mother literally said this to me when I was looking for advice for my faltering marriage!] to back when your value + integrity was measured by how long you stuck something out - no matter how miserable, aggravating, or irritating or debilitating it was [marriage, family relationships, jobs and careers, friend circles, etc].

The newer generations have learned to easily disconnect and have gone on all the way to the opposite spectrum - not being able to make a solid connection with staying power in the first place. It''s all about me, me, me and my + mine...

I think the healthy way is somewhere in the middle... And I agree with Dr. Gary - it is easier to discern what a good relationship model looks like, when you have seen it with your parents, or friends that model a solid long-term relationship, or had at least 1 relationship yourself, that was easy, good and totally satisfying to use as a yardstick for what you want going forward...

[reflectiveFrankC]

I keep coming back to a basic wisdom that I need to keep coming back to. "Every thing can be reduced to love and fear and fear is not real. " with this as a starting point I have learned to first notice my self talk.. repetitious self talk burns in patterns of behaviour. If that self talk is based in love, it grows me and satisfies with inner peacefulness. The majority of the time though the self talk is based in fear energy. When my inner talk is historical pain, suffering, I am not moving towards love but reinforcing the fears that I have experienced and generally fall into fight flight or freeze behaviour as an attempt to self protect but not learn from. Some of that thinking starts projecting into the future with worst case scenarios that also project more fear I us and more fight flight and freeze responses that stifles growth. This cycle eplains why we keep repeating those patterns. Becoming conscious in order to heal often takes getting so low in the struggle that there is no energy to fight flight or freeze and in those moments one might let love in with little AH HA MOMENTS. This state can also happen in quiet states where we give ourself love. Prayer, listening to quiet music, being in nature and anything that brings us into the present and appreciation for the moment. It is a state of being not doing. A state of unity and unity is a form of love. Love is a decision. This decision can be interpreted in many ways but at essence there is acceptance and no judgement. At the heart of wanting love in our lives is to be accepted and wanted. In a way it is always present when we chose to be present. Problem is we let our fears block us from giving our present to us. We areaddicted to what we know because it feels safe do to habits but is really just building walls that allow the unknown to be experienced. Anyhow something to reflection when noticing your own patterns. Wehavetochoose to notice in order to change and receive AH HA insights that start change.

[debbiewilley]

I'm trying to understand why I stayed in a 40-year marriage when I was miserable because of the absence of intimacy and affection. Right now I figure I wasted my youth and ruined my life for doing so. If I can understand why I did it, it might bring me some peace of mind. I'm sure two reasons are self-esteem and fear of being alone, but I think there is much more. I'm looking forward to reading Dr. Gary's book next. Thank you so much for this episode!

[Jenesis]

Never stayed longer than I could handle. Mind you I haven’t dated problematic guys. It was mostly vision not matched or personality conflict. I don’t believe in living with pain just to have a guy in my life. By myself is much easier because i am accountable for my financial, mental, and physical health.

[janespitfire]

Good topic!! My last 2 married spouse were bisexual angry men. ...ended in divorce. For some reasons I attract them and like my passive & being too sweet weak women. I am trying to be more discerning and made a look at past love history and self questionnaire of men I want #1 No bisexual picky men #2 Intellelgient macho men #3 Fathers and past hubby in their lives #4. Shared same values & activities

[mypov]

I guess I'll State the obvious, you need to work on yourself first before ever getting involved with somebody else. Get to the point where you're happy being single and you love yourself. Very unrealistic to expect somebody else to love you if you don't even love you. This is interactive work that takes time. You need to observe how you react versus how you really want to respond and get to the point where the two match. At some point you'll be your authentic self and attract the right kind of people subsequently. You can have people help you along the way but always remember nobody can do your push-ups for you!

[marismith]

Medical could be a reason too . If one partner is sick, guilt could play a big part in leaving . If one couple has the insurance to cover the illness . After one’s health isn’t always be the best

[eddy]

Been there, done that with 2nd wife (now X)....it took many years before we "realized" we were done....I think my "picker" maybe broken ;)

[Sunny-ixui]

I have a question. I’m 67 and been around the block a few times. I just started online dating and I know what I’m looking for. A kind, attractive, smart man with a sense of humor. Haven’t dated in 10 years. So, I went out on a date with a 72 year old man that is everything that I’ve always stood against. He’s a conservative Trumper and I’m very liberal. His health is not the greatest and I’m on a road of working on myself to be the healthiest, best I can be. He was a big deal business man in his younger days. He exudes power and money. He wants to go out again and keeps dropping hints about getting on Cialis. He’s not my type at all! So why can’t I stop thinking about him? What is wrong with me?😩

[cspencer]

I didn't really care for him saying that his least favorite reason for staying is because of the kids. I would rather have a distant loveless relationship for them to view, than them being misused or beaten by the new boyfriend or his family that mom wants to get. I don't think people come to terms without bad things can really get. I'm getting a little tired of that notion prevailing in our culture.

[gwortman]

You must vet your prospectives and weed out the undesirables or you will be wasting precious time!!

[robertvarner]

I always heard the little voice in my head saying "Danger! Danger! Will Robinson! Danger!".

[ghstbeard]

As a man, I have EVERY incentive to STAY in a bad marriage. In a bad "relationship" I have every incentive to LEAVE. Total opposite for women.

[gabbypage]

I’ve been myself most of my life. I can’t meet anyone I even like.