Avoid Avoiding Conflict | David Thornsen, PsyD | TEDxMuskegon

One of the most consistent mirrors many people have is their partner. What happens when the reflections we receive are not accurate? What might be the impact of inaccurate reflections on communication, the individual partner, and the relationship over time? This talk offers a simple and effective way for couples to make communication effective again.

Dr. Dave Thornsen is a licensed psychologist practicing in Grand Rapids, MI. His expertise comes from years of providing couples with therapy and toolsets to live, work and grow together.

[akaibs]

My heart just beats really fast when there is any form of confrontation idk why, I want to overcome this.

[Albo_AK]

I was scared of conflict because I’ve never really gotten to a lot of confrontations in my life. But little by little, the more you get into confrontations the less you get scared of getting into one. You get afraid of confrontation because in your life you never really had to confront anyone, so you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. That’s why you get scared to do it. But as you do it more often, you won’t get as scared to and won’t let people step all over you.

[PXGetRipped]

I think my fear of conflict comes from my childhood. My dad is good man but he sure does have a temper, and whenever I’d get in trouble, he’d put the fear of God in me with how angry he’d get. To this day, conflict and seeing/hearing someone being angry makes me incredibly anxious

[lisanimusiima]

"Prioritise honesty in relationship over the perceived reaction of the other to conflict"- well said

[DIGGERfromAR]

Conflict is not negative; how it is addressed does. Conflict does not require compromise; there are five approaches: avoidance, competition, compliance, compromise, and collaboration. Being honest is an important aspect of resolving the conflict.

[jakelodwick]

Great talk. I guess he’s saying that by avoiding conflict with others, we redirect it into ourselves, compromising our integrity. This implies that personal integrity isn’t some abstract notion but a measurement of your physical identity as you go about your life. My takeaway phrase would be “express your conflicts”, which means making your problem other people’s problem. This sounds bad, but if those people are your friends or family anyway, then they’re already suffering with you. So they might as well get involved in the solution.

[ImTyMotivation]

This advice could legit change the world

[Elsindustrialpropertymalaysia]

thanks to this I have gained the braveness to talk to my boss about our conflict and it is indeed work easier then I imagined it will be. I have been in this dilemma and internal conflict for 2 years. Thanks again and hopefully some of you who read this and give it a try

[HonesE]

The real bummer is when one person wants desperately to work through conflict, and the other just refuses to admit the truth that there is conflict. Very frustrating! I keep trying, but honestly I am getting really tired.

[ADHDMartialArtsFiend-vwfj]

I think the underlying fear of confrontation comes from a fear of rejection which is ingrained in us as a survival mechanism. In the old days rejection by the tribe = starvation. These days it can mean a job loss. And it can be hard to know which battles to pick, when to powerfully ignore an insult (aka stoicism), or when to be aggressive. It takes trial and error and for some of us - lots and lots of error.

[brenaebuckhanon]

I love love looove this explanation! I am a visual thinker and I’m glad he showed me briefly what I am doing to myself

[chabamasfidler]

I​ started avoiding conflict​ after I had my​ first​ ever mental breakdown last year.​ I​ used to​ be so opinionated, often hotheaded, but defiant and​ straight up with​ people.​ Now im​ trying to​ build back my​ grit.​ I​ clicked on​ this​ video to​ calm down after​ telling the​ airbnb tenants next door to​ keep it​ down.​ Stomach churned, and​ heart beat outta my​ chest, ​ mind went empty.​ But they shut up.​ Hopefully this​ reprogramming works if I keep​ at​ it.

[DoHisProphetNoharm]

My heart starts beating my mind starts looking for solution but then I start either crying or get defensive and angry instead I’m working on this

[wandaad]

The YT channel ‘cup of empathy’ has great videos on solving conflict or even ‘de-conflicting’ the situation by focussing on each persons underlying needs.

[willclark]

That was great! Thank you! I usually avoid conflict and now I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter, therefore I tend to not speak my mind

[miguelsoria]

Why is there not more views on this video? So short but so straightforward it definitely provides a lot of truth and advice.

[Tinkerginamama]

Awww I like him and I like just his demeanor. What a great 5 min speech!

[yuanfeng]

I have a touch of Aspergers and I would say we are not built for handling any conflict situations. It's not advisable for an Aspie to take on too much pressure because we could end up mental breakdown and messing up everything, which is a bigger problem than the conflict itself.

[vafy]

we moved back to our home town in different months. My roommate honestly just left my important stuff that was in her locker without letting me know or the hostel warden know ..even after I had asked her to bring it back with her . She didn't even inform me that she couldn't bring it with her..when asked she told me that she had all the stuff with her. Until now months after that I was about to visit her to get it back...I came to know about how she never had it. I m so angry and I hate confrontation. I could barely tell her how it was important to me..and that too I m feeling really bad because she was kinda feeling guilty.

[neilarcher]

Better idea. Avoiding trying to avoid avoiding conflict and just have a nice cup of tea instead. Angry people just end up with high blood pressure anyway.