The Struggle to Relax: Why ADHD Makes it Tough

Those of us with ADHD are just plain terrible at relaxing. But, why is that the case? Is there anything we can do to make it better?

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[kimberlyidol]

For me I think the lack of “off leash” non-self-regulation time also ties directly into the “revenge bedtime procrastination” phenom. I often find myself doing practically nothing or the mindless scrolling even though I am physically and mentally tired and WANT to sleep, but my brain is like “I HAVENT HAD A RUN AROUND TODAY WE MUST STAY UP”

[FramedLightning]

One of my favorite relaxing activities is what I call flow cleaning. I just go through the house cleaning whatever appeals to me. Can drive my housemates NUTS, but I get little things done. Also works at work. Instead of focusing on what's urgent, I take a half day to just get what appeals to me done.

[SnowySpiritRuby]

This is why I generally struggle to get to bed at a "reasonable" hour - my brain hasn't had the opportunity to do what it wants for long enough, so I end up doing whatever it wants to do until it gets to the point that it has finally had enough where it can actually fall asleep. I never understood why that happened and why at just some random point while doing it I was able to just stop and go to bed - this explains it perfectly.

[PurpleSorcerer]

The longer I spend in the adhd community. The less alone I feel. Anyone else feel like Jessica’s videos always come perfectly timed to their struggles?

[elizabethwickes]

I like to do what I call "ADHD puttering" where I let myself just wander around the house and take care of things. Great for attending to the random projects that never pop up in priority. I've been trying to develop a habit of doing 10-20 min of this every day after I get home with my kid. Sometimes I'll let myself do it for the whole day when I don't have the spoons to decide on the project.

[kwf]

My therapist once asked me when do I relax without thinking about work, things on my to do list, things I think should be on my to do list, etc. And I realized in that moment my answer was … never? I had never ACTUALLY relaxed without anything hanging over my head. It was so eye opening and that one question changed my life forever.

(that therapist referred me to an adhd specialist shortly thereafter, lol)

[anneliporter]

Sometimes allowing myself to hyperfocus on something that I’ve been wanting to do can be really relaxing. I have kids so a lot of times I don’t allow myself to do stuff that I know I’m likely to hyperfocus on simply because I can’t afford to be unaware of what they are doing or getting into. So for me relaxing can be my husband taking the kids so I can allow myself to hyperfocus on whatever my brain wants to latch onto.

[peachez]

For me it is being alone so no masking no decisions no people pleasing and I can just literally sit and stair out the window or watch a mindless show or old movie… that is my ultimate brain break! ❤

[Fittiboy]

One of my biggest problems at the moment is that when I do let my brain off the leash, I become overstimulated and exhausted. When I don't let it off the leash, I become understimulated and anxious. I think the overstimulation part is likely exacerbated by my so far undiagnosed autism. It's a whole mess.

[turnoffthetv]

I have witnessed this with my partner and I really think you've hit on a nuance that doesn't always get talked about. He has a lot and I mean a LOT of obligations, a very busy schedule. And recently he's been much more frustrated and quick to anger in ways he normally wouldn't, not very nice by his own admission etc, and when we've drilled down on it, it comes down to him "not being able to do what he wants when he wants to, ever". And that inability to just have time to "be him" really burns him out fast. And like you said, his "me time" isn't necessarily relaxing to most. It could be hours of hard gardening work that technically needs to be done (he does enjoy "feet in earth"). Or his usual daily gaming. But it's that ability to say nope, not going to oblige social norms and expectations, not going to answer the phone, I'm just going to do me right now is such a refresher for him. I see it and encourage it. So some of our weekends together, he's up and down every hour or two, disappears into the garden, putters around the house, and I'm like go vibe, roam, pause the movie again LOL. I know it's because he's just DONE regulating. And he needs to just let his brain do its thing.

[bryncheeze]

My partner knows that it makes me feel really good when he listens to my rambling. He likes listening to whatever I'm focused on at the moment. But it really exhausts him, and that's okay too. He tells me to hang up and text him instead, so he can respond when he has the energy to follow my crazy thought patterns. It's so much nicer to hear someone say, "I would love to finish this later, when I can actually pay attention" vs "Are you done yet? Do you ever stop talking?"

[MTCHSMLN]

Another challenge, and a reason why this is not a guaranteed solution 100% of the time, is that often we need this kind of rest BEFORE we can relax like normal people, but we may STILL NEED to relax like normal people do. It's a cruel circumstance when you are too exhausted to rest; just ask my 3 and 6 year-olds.

Edit to add: I'm currently in graduate school, and what I like to do for "rest" time is allow myself to deep dive into scholarly articles about tangential subjects I encounter in classes. I spend SO MUCH TIME reading about things that won't help me with my school work, and then when I feel refreshed, I close the articles or save them for later and get back to researching stuff for class. 😅

[PVVI]

A “break from self regulation” has become the gift I’ve given myself! My diagnosis came later in my life (74) so I’ve had decades of self monitoring, regulating, apologizing, and ruminating! It’s been so exhausting! For the past year I’ve deliberately spent less time with others, but I also cut myself some slack on the self monitoring and just accept that I’ll screw up sometimes. I’ve felt so unburdened!

[albertvargasUX]

"I'm going to sit how I want" hit home for me. I was once called out by my Director at an old job for swinging my swivel chair during a meeting. He said I looked like a child. This was pre-diagnosis so I was thouroughly embarrassed. Now I know its a part of who I am and am so glad I can WFH where I can pace, swirl, w/e I want!

[meganjohnson]

I started therapy and during my intake session, she asked questions about whether my symptoms were making it difficult for me to relax. My response: What is relaxing?? I never even considered that it might be tied to my ADHD.

[alleysouza]

There me also the GUILT!
Because we live in a world that doesn’t understand uneven attention and productivity, we’re always being criticised (mostly for not having a consistent level of productivity), so when we try to Stop, in order to relax, it feel wrong and self indulgent because we ‘don’t produce enough’ in any given day so how come can we be ‘relaxing and doing nothing’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

[stephaniewilson]

Yes! I needed a word for this!!! I always just tell my fiancé, “I need to just bop around for a bit” which usually means running around the house doing random little tasks, also messing with my houseplants 😅

[rebeccajames]

The days I’m most relaxed are when I just let myself wander around, start a task, drop it, switch to something else, phone a friend, watch tv, take a nap, just do anything that my brain wants to do in whatever order it wants to do it

[happymusicfan]

You know what's odd? I have ADHD and also Aspergers. It's difficult for me each and every day to not either bore or burn myself out. I have noticed whenever I let my brain "off-leash" for my ADHD to get some stimuli I have to be careful not to do too much or else I'm going to be exhausted the next one or two days. This is probably the most frustrating aspect of having AuDHD, for me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot satisfy both sides in my life and I'm in a constant fight with myself.

[lauradaisy]

You don't realize the impact that these videos and overall your entire channel have, you are saving lives