How to overcome insecurity and overthinking for good - The Attachment Specialist shows you how!

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[oambitiousone]

I broke my values to get other needs met. It didn’t work out well, but I felt so starved for acceptance and validation that I ignored parts of myself that didn’t approve. Limbic system hard to battle with intellect.

[TRUTHbomb.]

My brother was 9 years old when I was born.
As a young naïve child, my much older brother would lure me downstairs and then proceed to find ways to "wrestle" or build a fort out of couch cushions with me inside and then proceed to jump on it "like a monster" and hurt me and make me cry. I was 5-7 year old girl, he was 14-16 at the time! I was so gullible I kept going back, wanting to play, wanting him to like me, every time I would be crying or screaming my mom would have to "rescue" me and take me upstairs, saying I should know better than to keep going back downstairs. He was sneaky and was able to make me believe it was fun to sneak down to "play". I remember having terrible nightmares as a young child, almost every night. My mother would often find me crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night, I was sleepwalking. I still have nightmares when I dream. We grew up and he continues to resent me, he has anger issues with everyone. Anytime I would talk to him on the phone, he was so negative, afterwards I would feel like I drank poison. He's married, but they have no kids together. Probably for the best, I don't think he is father material. He told me after our mother died that he hated her because of how he thought she favored me. She was a wonderful mother and always treated him well. Not long ago he got mad at me for something my father said and called me and swore and threatened me, not knowing I had nothing to do with it. He never apologized and I never spoke to him again. I needed this negativity out of my life. My life is much better without him in it. I never really connected the dots to my nightmares to his abuse until about 10 years ago. I had always thought it was just normal family life. I recognize that I am an over thinker, I worry too much. I often second guess my judgment. I am very shy and don't trust people and often even keep friends at arms length. I have a good husband and wonderful kids, I am safe and have a good life, but I worry about everything, I worry for my adult children. I'm a Christian and know I should not live in fear and worry, but it is a daily struggle to overcome something ingrained from childhood.

[janelupo]

Resonating!!!! Yes, I realize this video is 8 months old, but I had to chime in. Every "attachment style" test I've taken puts me either in the Anxious Camp OR the Avoidant Camp. (Obviously, that depends on the source of the test, and what that particular advisor is focused on.) Avoidant people don't believe anyone will be fair with them, and anxious people don't believe anyone will accept them or not abandon them. Eureka! All of that said, I've been working my way from "anxious" to a "secure" attachment style, and now I find myself 'head over heels' with a secure-avoidant. While I have evidenced that this can work (so far), I'm gobbling up your content with intense interest. I sincerely want our relationship to work. Thank you, Adam!!!

[chickndinner]

Thank you Adam. The exercise forced me to come up with “self awareness” as one of my top 3 principles. I betray it when I make someone else responsible for my feelings.

[internaltuning]

🎉 awesome. I love that concept of defining 2 to 3 principles and honoring them.

[usinelachine]

bro your explaining boring stuff in such an interesting way + very valuable content. thnks

[kpannes]

Thank you so much. I needed this. I need to have discipline and learn to stand up for myself.

[pvdpdqb]

I've been watching you. Trying to figure out where I stand on the attachment scale.

After this video, and the story about Brian, I think...

That I was anxious attachment style in my childhood, adolescent, and teenage years.

Somewhere a long the way, I got tired of it. Maybe about the time I was hitting my 20s.

I was starting to smell the coffee and realize that I was never going to achieve acceptance.

And somewhere, in the time I was realizing that.... I became attracted to the rebellious, the middle finger in the air, the "screw everything!"

19 was also the age I finally came to my parents and said that I was depressed. I was very very depressed, So, I think i was also tired of being depressed.

Why try to gain acceptance. They're never going to give it to you. And even if they did, it wouldn't matter, life is still terribel because you're depressed.

BTW, the #1 thing....the magic sword I used to make the depression dragon my bitch....was discovering fulvic mineral. It's a magic potion that makes it go away. I can still be depressed but, it's not default anymore.

Getting back on track.

I think I went from anxious attachment style, to avoidant. I think I've been more on the avoidant side since my 20s, and in my mid to late 30s now, I've been trying to grow and cutting everyone out of my life.

I can't deny that it's done wonders for my personal and professional growth.

But I don't exactly blame people anymore for "holding me back"

I think it's more accurate to point fingers at the relationship or the amount of energy they took up.

To me, relationships, romantic, friendship, family, w/e are like wild raccoons. You want to pet them. You want to hang out. And if you work really hard, you get some cuddle time. But at any second. Without warning. They will bite you, claw you, trash your place, shit everywhere and jack your shit.

Raccoons are feisty bandit freeloaders. You know you're better off without them.

Edit: Here are my core values and how I define them to myself.

Integrity - Consistency and alignment with one's moral principles and actions. To maintain alignment with integrity, a person seeks honesty, moral behavior, and being a person others can rely on.

Authenticity - Being true to oneself and genuine with others regardless of social pressure or expectations. To maintain alignment with authenticity, a person seeks truth, sincerity, and transparency.

Personal Agency - Ability to act, influence one's own life, and take responsibility for the outcomes. To maintain alignment with personal agency, a person seeks empowerment, autonomy, and the maintained belief in one's ability to effect positive change.

[dellachow]

This got me thinking lol ! So true . Thank you for your useful solutions to our issues.

[sueirgang]

New here ive been waching ur videos n i learned my attachments style and my avoident person wish i knew all this a year ago but now i can address my attachments n work on them n learn to handle my avoident person ty so much for ur tine and helping others

[cjthefox]

Ok as someone who both has and hasn’t been taught to overthink (undiagnosed disabled kid in the early 2000s then didn’t get mental help until later in life when whether disabilities and mental health were still having to fight to be considered ‘real’) this is some solid stuff that I want to add to my mental toolbelt it makes me want to reflect on what I was taught and tested with in various therapies and studies growing up and how I can continue to build my perspectives and thought patterns in the future

[tylerledgerwood]

Wow this video really dug at a deep scars I have from my past and got a decent amount of puss (trauma) out, but I am really thankful for it even though it hurt. Thank you Adam

[dmdm]

Hi Adam, great video! Could you please speak more about the difference between anxious and disorganized attachment styles? Not sure how to clearly differentiate between the two. And best tips to heal please. Thank you ✨

[katelandsmith]

Caught the replay. Same story but I need to develop better resolve

[victorkroud]

I think I missed something. Step1. Identify core values. Step 2. Daily reflection- take your honor code and practice living it ( building boundaries) Step 3. I didn’t hear a step three

[juniperberry-]

what if one of your core values is a factor in overthinking?

for me a core value is devotion, and i tend to overthink because i want to show someone in the absolute best way possible that i am devoted. it feels less like i am abandoning my core value when i overthink, and taking it more significantly into consideration than needed to stand by it

[oambitiousone]

I’ve been accused of overthinking since I was nine years old. Therapist just told me I need to quit that. I LOLed. How do I just stop at this point? Isn’t it as much a part of me as someone who’s got Asperger’s?

[ah]

I think as a kid I didn’t go through that it was my early love relationships with men that caused me to start over thinking

[marthahardie]

Not "over thinking, " but "risk analysis "

[gatheringbeauty]

The Old Man In The Sea, quickly comes to mind. Maybe this will change after utilizing and integrating these techniques . Thank you.