genderfluid: my experience

Sharing my experience with gender in hopes that it helps someone out there feel less alone 💕🌈

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INTRO & OUTRO SONG BY LAVREN.
SOUND EDITING BY LAVREN.

INTRO STILL GRAPHICS BY SAM YANG.

[crow_moriondo]

I identify as a cisgender woman. When I was in middle school I questioned my gender HEAVILY as I was also coming to the conclusion that I was queer at the time, and I was trying to navigate those spaces. In high school I began to feel more aligned with the concept of girlhood, and i became increasingly feminine (I’m aware clothes don’t equal gender, this is just my experience). When I came to the conclusion that I was cis, I felt almost guilty. I saw people online try and take stories like mine out of context to try and invalidate or “disprove” being trans in general, when I was merely exploring the concept of gender and came to the conclusion that the term cisgender suited me best. My story does not reflect the experiences of all gender questioning or gender queer people. I am now currently doing my best to be as good of an ally as I can to the trans community 🏳‍⚧❤

[wasted.paper_clp]

As a genderfluid teenager holy shit this was so so helpful. I’ve always been really confused with my gender and my gender identity. I would find pronouns that worked for me and then…they just didn’t feel right anymore. I always assumed I was just confused and I’d figure it out one day, but this helped me so much, and it made me more comfortable/confident with my identity :3

[anticapitalisthomedesign]

This is very similar to my experience of gender! I came to it from a more spiritual / religious perspective (that we're all just amorphous blobs of light plodding around in these meat suits during this specific lifetime), and for many years, I was very headstrong about making sure that everyone used my pronouns, but I've come to realize that - while education around pronouns & trans issues is vital - I'm just going to continue to be miserable if I let other people's lived experiences invalidate my own. I value meeting other people where they're at, not in a self-deprecating way, but in a way that says "I'm aware that not everyone understands / accepts transness, and I get to love myself enough to not let it make me miserable."

[oddmargrete]

i’m aroace and agender/nonbinary and i experience my sexuality and gender as pretty much intertwined. my identity is basically just “no”

[ArtificialDreaming]

I’m so glad you have discovered yourself in this way, and sounds so fluid and spiritual - I love it! I am a trans man (25) but I am pre t and pre op and my Dysphoria couldn’t be worse. When I see myself in the mirror I feel physically sick. This is not the body my soul was supposed to be matched with and I hate it. It especially sucks that I’m on a female psych ward and they call us, collectively, ‘ladies’ or ‘girls’ and it makes me feel so left out. The hospital has got a lot better at not misgendering me but there is a long way to go

[chlebek]

as a young genderfluid person who’s still discovering who they are, i’m so grateful for you, you’ve helped me to realise i’m a genderfluid lesbian (yes it’s possible guys)

[mossman]

Hi! Thanks for sharing :) I'm genderfluid, use he/they/she pronouns, and am nearly always femme presenting. I used to experience gender dysphoria without realizing that's what it was, but i've done a ot of self love work to get to a place where I nearly always am happy with my body/gender/expression. there are moments when different pronouns feel more right than others but i never mind when people use any of the three options because I know they are true to me at some point in time if not in this exact moment.
I always describe my gender experience by saying I can wear the same dress on three different days and one day I look in the mirror and think, "wow.. the epitome of womanhood, here in this dress, feeling the experiences of my mother and her mother before her. all is right in the world. I am strong and beautiful."
another day I'll look in the mirror wearing the same dress and think, "oh, oh yes. finally I have achieved the look I've long admired from a distance in pop stars and drag queens and alternative scenes. I am a man in a dress. I am representing the queer/femme men that came before me. all is right in the world. I am strong and beautiful."
and yet another day I'll look at the same image in the mirror and think, "omg, this dress is so cute! I am so lucky to be a person who owns this dress. I can twirl in it and it has pockets, should make one just like it so that I can practice my sewing and leave something physical for those to keep long after I have left this earth. all is right in the world. I am strong and beautiful."

[ridefallen]

I love your content so much! I've been an out bisexual for a little over a year now, but in the past few months, I've come out as genderfluid. I am male by birth but I can identify with women quite a bit. Thank you for your amazing videos! Sending you love!

[kushclarkkent]

We love you Keara! Thank you for being you. I am sure this will help more than a few people!♥

[Phoenix-ylgo]

Hey Keara,  
(Sorry for the essay!)
I’ve actually been following you for 4 years now, wow. (That may not seem like that long but I’m only 17.) I actually figured out that I’m genderfluid/nonbinary/trans not long before you posted the first of your online vids talking about your own genderfluidity. That was so cool to see! Our experiences differ a fair bit though, I use genderfluid as a label because my gender shifts around the gender spectrum (it’s not a day to day thing, I wish it was that simple). I think there are a lot of trans people who might not ever get to that place of f*ck everyone else I know who I am, though I think it would be beneficial. I know I won’t get to that place. There’s part of me that does think that when I get misgendered but as you said it just makes you feel crap. I think when I feel better about gender dysphoria about my body it’ll be easier not to care. I’m on testosterone, my one year anniversary is next month! And the t has helped, but I’m waiting for top surgery and I know that’ll be a game changer. I know what you mean about experiencing things as a female, I’m an AFAB but use he/they pronouns and experiencing things like misogyny hits different when you know you aren’t even a girl but you’re too busy mortified to talk back to them. Even though I don’t identify as a man I’m hoping once my voice gets deeper and my beard grows in probably people will start calling me ‘he’. That way even if they mistakenly think I’m a man, at least I’m being gendered correctly.
I was glad to hear more of your experience, though I hope you understand that body related gender dysphoria is not something that can go away without medical treatment. I don’t think you were trying to say that, but I didn’t want others to misconstrue what you meant. I think, what I refer to as ‘social gender dysphoria’ (word related dysphoria) can be helped with some extra self confidence, like you said. Hope that made sense? Not at all trying to have a go, just wanted to make sure people understand that trans health care is still necessary And needed.
Thank you for sharing Keara! I love what you do with your platform! And I really wasn’t trying to offend. 😬.
From Phoenix. ❤

[calijenny]

I also have the similar journey as yours do as I’m also genderfluid with she/they/he pronouns but mostly use she/they and they/she the most as I have reach the he pronoun and he level yet but I do use they/them when feeling both masc and femme combine and including he/they on the days I felt like an masc/nonbinary some sort of an demiboy type of side.
I still have not embrace my gender fully and the masc stuff that comes to my gender identity due to my parents, whom I still haven’t come out again for the second time as I did came out to them as bi at 17 forcefully.
I did gave them hints about liking male clothing and items as a way to me coming out to them and they still haven’t came to realization.
Yet, at the time I was not knowing what is my sexuality while I was self isolating that I don’t know who am I anymore and what’s my identity due to my mental health, depression and anxiety. Even tho I did attempt to come out to my parents separately than together since I realized I’m genderfluid.
Ive been genderfluid since early September 2022 as from September to December, I was mostly figuring it out what’s my gender AND also my sexualities, thanks to this former situationship who’s on the beginning journey of becoming an transgender ftm that opened my eyes.
I was inbetween genderfluid and genderqueer because i don’t know which one fits me the most and I did dig up online, such as YouTube, google and TikTok about different genders until I came across you and other genderfluid content creators/influencers.
Back in October or November while I’m on my journey of exploring my gender, I came to realize my sexualities are pansexual and demisexual due to also my past experiences and also glimpses that shows pansexuality throughout my mid-teens to now while I already taken off the label of bi.
At late December 2022 and coming January 2023, that’s when I came to accept and embrace my genderfluidity. Back in June, a month ago, I got a sudden gender dysphoria all of the sudden due to my mom judging me because of my sideburns are cut short by me as I decided to do it to see how’s it like to be a bit masc which I loved it and happy that I did it. I’d been having gender dysphoria for days that i don’t know what to do anymore by questioning myself, especially when my parents, mostly and mainly my mom, wanted me to be more and dress more feminine as I’ve been dressing androgynous for years and act as a “woman” when deep down I’m hiding my gender fluid identity.
I am still not backing down from letting go of my gender identity and go back to the womanhood as I’m super proud of my identity and also gender identity and I truly thankful that I came to see this yours that just uploaded that relates to the genderfluid journey. I appreciate you ❤

[ailiecarr-sjzd]

I’m an asexual biromantic and I’m still questioning my gender, but I feel like I’m agender or genderfluid. Like you said about how you feel your soul looks that’s how I’ve been feeling for the past month trying to figure this out. This video really helped me tho. Ilysm❤️

[nurzahidahrashidi]

Thank you so much for validating my soul. Ive began feeling genderfluid after finally leaving my house for college life and it helped so much to see ur videos. Many ppl rarely talk of genderfluid but it makes sense in our way. We can say we're gendrfluid when one aec, we r a she and the next we r a he. My friends r all supportive tho confused. Im used to being called she and her by not only my family but how ppl see me as i am. But when im feeeling masculine and they call me he, i feel so empowered. I simply dislike ppl calling me a Woman, a Girl or a daughter. I feel like those words force me and cause serious dsyphoria. Instead, i like being called the Child of someone or that kind worker or classmate.

Thanks so much for continuing such updates

[sometimesclichesaregood]

I love this, Keara. You really helped me figure myself out from genderfluid to transmasc. I think your videos are so useful, even though your experiences differ from mine in a lot of ways. Thank you. :)

[MiloMatahoos]

I’m a young genderfluid person and I was genuinely so happy when I found your channel! I’m also (I bisexual. I told my parents I was bisexual and it went kinda well but I haven’t told them I’m genderfluid yet. It’s kinda a different thing, bc you can kinda like just go “oh u like girls and boys. Cool!” And move on. Like it doesn’t rly affect their view of you (or it shouldn’t) but telling someone you like want to use different pronouns or a different name changes their idea and view of you. My friend knows, and they’re rly supportive! (It’s kinda funny, we both told each other about how we didn’t feel cis at all and we sort of arrived at our conclusions together-they’re genderqueer-) but they told their mum and it went sorta well and I was rly happy for them! But I don’t know when I might tell my parents. I don’t know if I will tell them. It’s kinda hard especially bc like I rely on my parent so much in everyday life. Idk. Recently I got my hair cut, and it makes me super happy. It’s a kinda fem bob, with no layers or fringe, but it means my hair gets kinda curly and then it looks like a long masc haircut, which is rly cool. I went through a kinda horribly depressing period of being rly rly masc. I was born a girl, so I have all the……parts which means that when I feel more masc, I get extremely dysphoric. But rn Idrk what my gender is, but Ik I’m not that masc rn. I did kinda wanna say- that the way my gender and sexuality worked for a while (and is still kinda working) is that if I felt more masc, I would be much more attracted to guys than girls and if I felt more fem then I’d be much more attracted to girls. But whenever I felt like neither, or maybe both, I felt nothing for anyone. It’s kinda weird. Like I’m a gay man, lesbian woman and asexual enby all in one. It’s weird, but it’s me :)

[AdamFishkin]

As a fellow Canadian, July is my second-least favorite month. 30 Celsius is too regular an occurrence. (On a stream today, someone in Egypt told us his neighborhood was at 41 Celsius and I replied "how do you human? what does humaning in that temperature feel like?")
From what you've described, the female experience in your Dobby soul was a ticking time bomb. It was dysmorphia waiting to happen from the outset. Dobby cannot be a free elf under those conditions. I'm happy for your ability to move through it, and not give identity shamers the time of day anymore.
An experience last year taught me something on the way most people approach identity. Being bisexual in a smaller city, I'm very tactical with who knows (same reason I don't use my real name here on YT) so when I trusted someone enough to come out to him and he replied, "ohh you mean gay, you say you're bi but really you're just gay" ... at first it came off as obnoxious. But then I realized: ohh, you're just so angry at how much work it is to grasp other people's identities that you're just not trying. Okay then, if you don't care, neither do I. Trying to match the opinions of others with your own body's comfort level is a game with too many players. Don't play. Your body is better off not being a game. Hopefully I'm making sense.
So yeah, the black and white boxes for sexuality and gender can be left out in the rain, especially if they're left on your doorstep with "PICK ONE" in big black marker on them.

[slaysweetie]

6:50 I DO THIS TOO, LIKE I DONT EVEN BOTHER WASTING MY BREATH CORRECTING CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY IK WHO I AM

[BookMagicK]

I am AMAB genderfluid person with a strong lean to transfem side (still closeted bc of where i live, sigh) and i really dig your Dobby metaphor. I also see myself and would very much like to be percieved as a genderless concept. As a friendly cartoon character whose gender really only means if they would have eyelashes.
Though i feel very gendered in relation to my body. I'm not gonna go into details, but in general i'd most likely not be able to resist a fey's offer to make me able to switch between different gender forms. Though i doubt i'd ever switch to a truly neutral form.

[WolfieZaps]

Hi, I'm a freshly cracked egg. I lived a very sheltered life being forced into traditional gender roles by family, friends, region, school, work, society at large, etc. to the point that being trans was about as far removed from my radar as it could've been. I knew nothing about it other than that for some reason everyone around me hated it so much. I thought I should too. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how trans I've been my whole life.

I'm genderfluid and AFAB as well. My fluidity is very much like water. It takes many different forms. Sometimes, I'm full fem energy. Often, full masc energy. Sometimes, some weird combo of both. Sometimes, neither at all. Sometimes, I'm very enby while other days I stereotypically fit into one box or another. Always quite queer though. Expression is important to me. I was always forced to wear traditionally feminine clothes when I wanted boy clothes more often than not.

This very much helped me feel better about my experience and let me know I wasn't alone in the struggle of being forced into a woman shaped box all my life when I more often than not identified with the other gender and wanted so badly to express it. I know you may never read this comment but thank you. ♥

[douglashubbard]

When talking about gender and biological sex, I've often heard the same terms used for both. Maybe it would gain more understanding to one set of terms for biological sex and another set for gender identity. For instance, using male, female, and intersex for biological sex; and using masc, femme, enby, and fluid for gender identity. Separating which terms refer to which topic might help to separate those concepts in people's minds.