Graceful Endings For Friendships That No Longer Fit In Your Life

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When you work hard at changing your life, you may be surprised that some friends judge and criticize you. There comes a point where their trauma-driven behaviors are no longer a fit for your life. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who pulled away from a friend who rage dat her. Now she isn't speaking to her -- even though they both attend the same group each week. Hear my advice for graceful endings with friends who don't fit.
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[ajustcauseproduction]

❤😊I really appreciate this approach, Anna, because it is such a common occurrence as we grow & recover in our various programs. Meetings are where we go to heal - and to practice recovery behaviors. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of information about handling these situations with grace.

[trusound]

I used to feel the need to be "liked" and felt sad when I wasn't sought out, invited, or included. One magical day I realized that I didn't even LIKE most of these "friends" and I was grasping for something empty because I was empty inside. Imagine the freedom I feel now that I have cut all these cancers right on out of my life. I can't say I really have any friends now, and the few low level acquaintances I do have may not really care, but they aren't dragging me down either. I would rather have no friends than the kind I used to have. NO regrets here.

[lynneivison]

I finally broke with my 30 year friendship - politely wishing them all the best for the future. Such a relief and no guilt.

[Kwood]

I’m going through this now with someone I was friends with for 50 years & I feel like we have nothing in common anymore and when I’m around her I feel anxious . I have distanced myself self from her & rarely call her anymore . I feel allot of anxiety when she calls & I don’t want to talk to her .

[Areutherehello]

I just recently decided to walk away from a five year friendship because it finally dawned on me that for the past two years I had been the one keeping the friendship going. He would never talk with me unless I initiated the contact first. It had been that way for too long, and I've learned over the years to choose people who choose me. I won't beg or chase people anymore. So, I just walked away.
Sometimes relationships just fizzle out and die. It can't be one-sided. No regrets.

[tarkov_]

Think the best way to judge friends is "would they drive me to the hospital if I asked without complaint"

[fistOFjustice]

My old friendgroup let go of me recently. I've known them for years, and we were all healing but they found problems with me. We were very much in different places in our healing and they all decided that I wasn't getting enough out of therapy.

This turned out to be for the best, because they treated me as the group scape goat as if I created the majority of the problems. I'm grateful now that I'm no longer apart of that group and hope I can find people who won't invalidate and mistreat me.

[sherij]

I ended a 40 plus year friendship recently. Upon healing and growing with my awareness of PTSD from poor childhood upbringing, I realized I was outgrowing the my friend who also had trauma. She wasn’t trying to get better and I no longer felt comfortable. I didn’t want her drama & victim mentality conversations. I tried talking about my concerns & it backfired. She went in a rage and smeared my name. I never retaliated. I just told her we no longer ebb & flow, and this is okay with me.

[KL-zglu]

I had to deal with a former 'friend' telling people I was an addict and had an eating disorder, when I'd actually been trafficked and abused.

I didn't feel the need to remain friends any longer.

[Mckmeow]

Thank you for this. I recently walked away from an old friendship at the end of 2022, and it really did feel like a break up. The thing that really did it for me was the disrespect of my boundaries that I repeatedly shared. I used to be a major people pleaser and have been working on self love, and I guess they did not like that change in me and decided to confront me about it instead of respect my boundaries. I used to feel a pit in my stomach seeing their name pop up on my phone knowing they were either going to complain to me, emotional dump, or expect something from me. I ended things gracefully by admitting that we seemed to no longer have the ability to meet each others needs, and walked away. Best decision for self preservation.

[alyssamaze]

People who aren't afraid of boundaries and honor boundaries are usually better friends! Just saying ✨️

[laurasorrells]

Sometimes friendships end because people's interests and lives change and it's not about one person healing and another not, necessarily.

[ivalivengood]

I chased after my friend for about 20 years. I refuse to have friends who do not give back as much as I do. I did not feel bad about it. I felt released.

[Chloe-kjme]

Thank you. My friend said I was 'bullying her' once I began standing up for myself around her. No more toxicity. Blocked her on everything.

[adcap]

thank you, I've done this a number of times with old friends. It's me that's changed not them. People often find that very difficult, they want the old person back. Unfortunately before recovery I was more depressed, more of a people pleaser and less likely to speak my mind. Doesn't surprise me that some don't accept the healthier me. It's sad. But if they feel threatened by the health you are finding then stop hanging round with them. They'll probably bad mouth you, but you are the one that has become more healthy, not them.

[HeartOfTheSource]

Some people truly need to accept that they can't come with you where you're going in your next chapters. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes they won't let you go without a battle mostly because they'd really miss using you for their own benefit. I figured out who belongs and who deserves to be a priority in my life and who does not and will not be a priority. As for the non-priorities that have raged and fought or gotten angry about my necessary boundary building and act entitled to stay, I've gone NO CONTACT with them completely. I'm cutting them all off during the healing phase and I'm not allowing myself to feel bad or guilty about it like I would have during the time I was a "doormat" aka friend. The most important boundaries seem to be becoming those between me, myself and I. Abusers are gonna abuse, I've faced that, but I was my own worst enemy by allowing them to stay and abuse me. That's over now ...#1 boundary no known abusive person will remain in close proximity to me whether they call themselves a "friend" or not. I'm starting to feel a lot better now...

[Strangeries]

I'm seeing this with an old long time friend. I had to have a break from her because I was trying to grow and heal from unhealthy behaviour. Now, I still see her but I keep her at arms length. I can't get sucked into her anxiety, depression and often demanding behaviour. I feel I am outgrowing her, I feel guilty in some way but this won't stop me from continuing on the path of healing.

[reikicowgirl]

Had a friend from high school contact me last week, telling me he was going to be in town to visit a friend and would I like to get together for a beer. “Of course! when you arrive, please contact me and let me know your plans.” Long story short….I spent an entire 3-day holiday weekend “on hold” waiting for this call. On Sunday afternoon, he texted to let me know he would text me on Monday. At 4 pm on Monday, he finally texted to meet me in 2 hours. I was so pissed by that time I almost didn’t respond. I texted him, ‘When I hadn’t heard from you by noon, I made other plans.’ I am SO tired of getting treated this way … especially by males, but also female friends. It’s like I’m the one people want to hang out with after they’ve exhausted all other possibilities! He said he would be back in a few months and maybe we could get together then. I almost responded, “Only if you’ve learned better manners by then, ” but didn’t, of course. 🙄

[ld]

I have never had more than a couple friends at a time. I always asked "does this person contribute to my well being or contaminate it." Too bad I didn't apply that to my partner.

[BrekMartin]

This is tough. I ended a friendship yesterday, and knew I’d feel empty, because it wasn’t all bad. The person is generous in ways, and has been there for me in ways. It’s not like a narcissist where I’m totally angry and broken. It’s the first time I’ve sat back and made a choice about giving up someone that is just “hard to love” so to speak. I can see that it was keeping me damaged. It’s like he died in a way. I do want to talk to him and share the things we had in common.