Why can't I just say NO?!

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00:29 Recognising People Pleasing Behaviour
01:48 Understanding Emotions and Codependency
03:16 The Psychosis of Codependency
06:15 Ethics of Emotional Manipulation
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[drlarrymitchell]

As the child of a narcissistic parent, you've had your ability to defy people and say no 'disconnected' by a parent who wanted you to be manageable, malleable and compliant.

[lisahardy]

Opened a fortune cookie today for the first time in years. It read, “Your first love and your last love… Is self love.”

[angelagardaner]

Thank you, this is so well explained.
I am 53 and still struggling to say No . I end up feeling anxious and over explaining. Then it gets messy or feels messy . I am learning about false feelings and real feelings . Recently I did stick up for myself to my father in a polite way and my mother agreed with me . It’s a small step but I felt proud of myself for doing it, as usually I just let it go .
I am very blessed as my son is not like me and I have intentionally had talks with him about boundaries and making loving choices for himself so he doesn’t loose himself to people . He has a much healthier sense of self worth than I do and I’m proud of him .

[christinak]

Cause I'm a people pleaser and a codependent. I've learned to get my worth and value from other people...ugh but I'm working on it. Progress not perfection 🙏

[rolandgervais]

"No" is always a boundary. "No" can be a one-word sentence. "No" needs no further explanation. "No" is always a positive.

[silvermoonuk]

Good video. I have people pleaser syndrome. I get annoyed at myself with other ppl taking advantage of my niceness. But I feel guilty 😔 for being assertive with others.

[larryfairbanks]

It’s probably just me being old and half deaf, but could you turn it up a tad? Thank you young man. (I’ve been listening to you and Sam for something like five years now. The more I learn, the less I’m sure about. Was living a lie for fifteen years. Had to go gray rock back in 1997. Thought narcissism was someone who looked into pools of water. Haven’t a clue on how to get back any sliver of trust. They all look like alligators to me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare. Thanks for letting an old man vent. Stay safe.

[kimbrasue]

Thank you. I am living with a person who keeps telling me they want a divorce and threatening me with physical harm. Then he tells me he loves me the next day like nothing ever happened. I’m moving back to Arizona to be with my family who is loving and supportive. My stepdad just passed away and I’m realizing life is too short to be treated badly. We all deserve better. You are worth it!

[lynneleverton]

I always said no and I've lived amongst narcissists my whole life. We'd have the arguments that went around in circles and I wouldn't concede. My x husband would fake a heart attack. obviously to try and shut me up. which still didn't work because I could clearly see it was very bad acting. He'd say call me an ambulance and I.d say NO I am not calling an ambulance because you're not having a heart attack. He called one himself. He wasn't having a heart attack. My mother is also narcissistic and tries to guilt trip me and I still say no. They gang up on me. call me names etc and try and beat me down and I still say No. Get the message guys. I'm not doing it!!! I've just had to cut them out of my life in the end because they can't accept I've said NO and won't stop trying to beat me down!

[dawnwinther]

This video's content hit home so hard. If l start to elaborate too much I will just end up crying. Pretty much my whole life has been about other peoples needs, wants, expectations, me saying yes, due to the overwhelming fear and anxiety of upsetting and causing anger, and blame from people around me.
And yes, l can see my upbringing creating the pleaser l came to be.

[leismypkie]

Today, I was in a situation where I tried to say no but it didn’t go well. I was pressured into something I wasn’t comfortable doing and now I can’t stop thinking about it and it left me shaking and feeling sick. This boy told me he felt a certain feeling and that he wanted to FaceTime me and see my body. I told him I can only do that with someone I really trust. He didn’t care and he kept begging. So, I gave in and went on ft with him and I saw things I didn’t want to see and I showed him something I didn’t want to show him. I was so worried about letting him down or making him mad if I said no. My biggest red flag is that I’m too much of a people pleaser and I can’t say no to others…

[DR-nhoo]

People will literally do anything to avoid embarrassment, and why people perceive as embarrassing ranges from the sublime to the utterly ridiculous.

[springvic]

It’s cultural too. Growing up in africa and living in the U.K. now I do notice the difference in raising children. We were never our parents’ friends’. Parents were superior and you had no place to question their decisions so you couldn’t afford a ‘no’ without consequences. We went to catholic boarding schools where the same was instilled in us. Narcissistic or not it was the culture. As a result we are people pleasers and find it hard to say no for fear of conflict.

[Mrscory]

I learned courage the day I said “no” and grace when I payed its price, truth became my friend in need and fear just a shadow!
✌🏻❤️☯️💫

[ua]

Responsibility dysmorphia. The feeling that you are responsible for things for which you are not.

[aahaider]

Very well explained. My observation would be that the abuser N is actually training you to follow their commands. And they are doing this consciously and then exploiting it later when needed.

[katiewright]

Such important advice. Richard does such a great job of making it easy to understand. I know so many people who can relate to this, including myself. Most especially, the part about manipulating children to feel guilty about making you either embarrassed or disappointed or uncomfortable, etc. this is horribly common. We see it all the time. Parents saying “I’m so disappointed in you“ which when translated means they are actually saying “you are making me feel a certain way that I don’t want to feel.” It’s so clearly a manipulation and yes, a boundary breaking experience

[ratgirl]

My default is to say no—all my life people have called me “negative” and asked why can’t I be “agreeable”—I think I’ve just been on protection mode since childhood—my mother was too needy and depended on me to be her society—being positive and agreeable meant losing myself to the whims of others, it’s made me a strange person to not readily say yes—in my middle age I’ve become a “maybe” person, it bothers people but it’s my second default. Thank you for your video it explains my experience.

[annikamin]

Thanks for this video! I appreciate the focus on guilting children and why this is so abusive and harmful. Having been guilted heavily as a child myself, this helped me to better understand how this relates to my self-knowledge and people pleasing tendencies.

[sandylu]

Lived this. Such a task, to overcome..
We shall overcome