Rejected: Why didn't they want me? @SusanWinter

Anas writes, “Hello Susan, I'm a gay man and had a crush over some guy whom I found as the embodiment of everything I had fantasized about as a boyfriend ever since I was a little boy. The guy rejected me in all ways possible and knowing the man he picked over me makes me feel constantly inferior to that man. How can i get over him? And how can I stop feeling worthless compared to the other man?

Dee writes, “Hi Susan, I confessed my love to a man I had been seriously dating for six months and he said he didn’t feel the same. He said I was beautiful, smart, fun and I made him happy and had shown him how he wanted to be treated. He led me to believe I was everything he wanted. I’m going insane thinking that I wasn’t good enough, but I feel I was the perfect person for him. Why can’t he return my love?”

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Susan Winter is a leading relationship expert and love coach who has helped over 5,000 people find, and keep, love. She’s a bestselling author (Older Women/Younger Men, Allowing Magnificence, and Breakup Triage) specializing in evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Susan writes, speaks and coaches on dating issues, relationship challenges, and personal empowerment.

[jeanp.]

In my opinion, if we like ourselves enough, we should think… “If they don’t see my value, they aren’t the right one for me”.

[flower_]

When someone says " you are great, beautiful etc" but they choose not to be with you it simply means they don't want to hurt your feelings, they may still like and respect you but they already know you are not the one...Best thing you can do is to accept that and gracefully walk away 😊

[veronicakarlsson]

You are sooo ahead of all other coaches and shrinks out there. Things you say always stick to my heart and helps in my moving forward. So grateful for finding you on Youtube!🙏💕

[elharrop]

Ego is huge and can cause rejection if threatened. I met a guy who refused to apologise to me for his shitty behaviour so much so that he would rather go out and find a new person than to simply apologise to me for something pretty stupid because he was determined not to lose face. Pretty much everything else about him was on point but some people cannot apologize even at the cost of losing someone for good. Incredibly sad.

[LianaBuzea]

Whenever I need to turn someone down, I usually say it staightforward. I am not attracted, I do not see you in that way, nor do I want to. Many say it's too abrupt, but I have found that it is the most freeing one in the long run. You just don't feel it and you say it as such. I know it hurts, but I've sufferred so much from vague turn downs. So much. People need more guts to be honest. Respectful, appreciative, and honest. 🙏💯

[sammielisabeth]

Susan, I just love how elegant and gentle you are (even though you're a complete powerhouse). Sending love xo

[Lu-mlqf]

Yep..when they reject its all to do with them. I've been there, and I know worth. Most of the time they can't handle diamonds.

[anirbansen]

Unlike several other coaches, you've always emphasized on honest communication and underplayed the "mystery" aspect...It so deeply resonated with me...Love and respect from India ❤️

[dangfd]

Can you talk on a video about bitterness after breakups? When you’re left with a bad taste in your mouth—that reflects on you and your perception of others. When your past becomes a cloud over your “future.”

[mikejaeger]

Dear Susan, you helped me a lot. I’m struggling for almost two years with this and finally I feel like breaking through. Thank you 🙏🏽.

[npkrn]

The beginning story about someone telling you have all the qualities they want but they aren't feeling it is usually the whole "good on paper" situation. If we're honest with ourselves, we know what that feels like to be on the other side where we have rejected someone good on paper also.

Now all this supposes we are talking about relatively mentally healthy people, and people who ARE capable (like Susan talks of or alluded to -those not in a solid headspace, like codependency or a high level of narcissism, or diagnosed mental health issues etc...which is a whole other topic).

Also that attraction and "it" factor must be there. From my experience, that doesn't necessarily mean they have to be gorgeous or that you have to share a wild, teenage-like passion, By "it" factor I mean that perfect mix of attraction and shared basic values and a ease and flow to the connection. We all know what that feels like, and that combination IS difficult to find, but so worth it.

I love your topics, Susan. Your views are either educational, or at least mimic my experiences and reaffirm my own thoughts - but some of these people in these live chats aren't adding anything that relates to the topic, or they're too general. Like Natalia wasting time telling us about some guy who's car broke down. That's not a rejection story. That's a story for "Car Talk" or some other podcast. If she looks at that as a soul-crushing "rejection", she needs thicker skin and needs to have more experiences. Are your moderators vetting these questions before you see them?? I guess not, because Natalia's comment/story was just boring and a waste of time. Maybe these "live chats" are a money maker, but I much rather listen to ONLY you, Susan, for the hour! ❤

[coach_amy]

I love the "test" you told your friend about sitting and talking to a guy she's attracted to for 1.5 hours and shaking hands, and see if she's interested. Spot on. It's so tempting to ignore this, especially coming from a past relationship with no attraction or chemistry. Ignoring the lack of connection elsewhere is not worth it.

[debralondon]

So true it’s not rejection, it’s ejection of the total situation in general.

[AnasSyriano]

Thank you so much, dear, for your time to answer my question 🌹

[Babesinthewood]

I think, when someone breaks up with you for another person and they suddenly hate you, it’s because they’re trying to justify cheating on you, or justify leaving you. Some people cannot just part ways like friends. They have to create a narrative of a monster that they left behind. I’ve experienced this with a malignant narcissist before I knew what that term meant. He would abuse me, cheat and eventually leave me for his now wife. He treated me like garbage, took my money and made me leave my favourite town. He befriended my friends. Whenever I see any of those people, or a member of his family or friends and I either don’t do anything at all or at some point smiled and said hello; they responded with grimaces, turning their noses up and theatrically walking away, or laughing at me, or shaking their heads at me. It’s because these people have made up a narrative where their actions are justified.

[michaelmalech]

What's not meant to be is a blessing in disguise
Let it go and let them go, good riddance.

[reynaGG]

you used the term “potential” as the Dream.
Many of us feel that there is great potential to mesh lifestyles with someone, like all the pieces fit together on paper and life, but they didnt see the potential in us. It’s a missed opportunity and the dream fades.

[Sarah-mlsz]

You’re so amazing and smart, you’re my favorite coach !

[MyFrankieee]

Brilliant video Susan I love the bit about the breaking the wine 🍷 glass 🥲💕

[taranehj]

Hi Susan! I have a question but since I live in Iran I don’t have the means to pay for a super-chat. Can you please help me?
I have been friends with this guy for about a year, we talk everyday and we have a great connection, and he flirted with me a lot(at least i thought so) but as soon as I told him I can see you as a potential date he told me that he loves me and he thinks I am attractive but not in a sexual way and that he would never date me and just sees me as a friend. It hurts a lot and crushed my “dream”. what should I do??