Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters | Erica Komisar | EP 100

This episode was recorded on Jan 30th, 2024.

Erica Komisar is a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parent guidance expert who has been in private practice in New York City for over 30 years. A graduate of Georgetown and Columbia Universities and The New York Freudian Society, Ms. Komisar is a psychological consultant bringing parenting workshops to clinics, schools, corporations, and childcare settings. She is a contributor to The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and The New York Daily News. She is also a Contributing Editor to The Institute for Family Studies and appears regularly on Fox and Friends and Fox 5 News. Erica is the author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little the Sky Isn't Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety.

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— Chapters —
00:00 - Coming Up
01:19 - Introduction: The Instincts of Mothers and Societal Expectations
04:36 - Meeting at the Arc and Podcasting Experience
08:18 - Erica's Background and the Importance of Early Mother-Child Bonding
13:15 - The Critical Role of Mothers in Child Development
19:02 - Alternatives to Maternal Presence: Kinship Bonds and Caregivers
23:36 - Daycare and Its Impact on Child Stress Levels
29:13 - The Historical Shift in Motherhood and Feminist Narratives
33:42 - Generational Trauma and the Importance of Oxytocin
40:00 - Adolescence: A Second Chance for Brain Development
46:17 - Balancing Work and Motherhood: The Role of Part-Time Work
50:09 - The Challenges of Single Motherhood and Societal Support
56:18 - The Importance of Community and Extended Family in Child Rearing
01:02:45 - The Role of Fathers and the Impact of Single-Parent Families
01:07:00 - Closing Remarks and Further Reading Recommendations

[aoifebooth]

Being a stay at home mam is the greatest privilege of my life.

[amandapflanz]

I went to college and worked until my son (18 now) was born. I have never worked outside the home since. I could not imagine leaving him. Trust your gut and not what society says. You’ll never have those years back. It’s the best

[mariagoya]

If we’re completely honest, children need us way longer than the first three years. In fact, for hundreds of thousands of years small children never left home and were always cared for by their kin. This is how we are biologically hardwired

[imjustvisiting]

This video got recommended to me at the right time. I got trapped in a very expensive training contract at my workplace and now they expect me to return to work 6 months after delivery. I was so depressed because I didn’t know how I was going to escape my debt. But, now I know, I need to prioritise motherhood above all else. No debt, no financial pressure can be a priority over motherhood for me.

[summersoblivion]

I never planned to be a stay at home mom… but when my firstborn son was a newborn he was colicky and I had no idea how to help him. I couldn’t imagine taking him to a daycare and saying, “Here, he won’t stop crying… figure it out! Bye.” I knew my son needed me even though it was a very difficult to hold a crying baby for an hour or more. Then, once we figured out why he was colicky (allergies to dairy and gluten), things calmed down (as much as they could with an energetic boy). But the first 4 months felt like we got hit by a train. Glad we got through it.

But soon enough my BIL and sister kept telling me to put him in daycare because he was bored at home with me (not even 2 YO at this point). I was told some women are career women (me supposedly) and only some are stay at home moms. They meant well but I was seriously offended and hurt.

I’m so glad I stuck to my gut and stayed home. I was able to find a remote job teaching and that did not interfere with my time with my son when he was awake. Four and a half years later I have two gorgeous little girls in addition to my handsome little son. Obviously, juggling a remote job and 3 kids under 5 is not easy—even though I have an amazing hands on husband. Thanks to Erica confirming my intuition to avoid daycare at all costs, I sought a nanny and now she cares for my 4 YO and 2 YO for 3 hours a day Mon - Fri. They love her and I get to spend quality time with baby, do some housework, or even sit and work. I could have never planned nor imagined this outcome but God sends the help when you need it! Becoming a mom has been a huge blessing but has also brought up a lot of wounds from my childhood (going to counseling to work through this and makes motherhood feel less stressful). Honestly, it’s the hardest thing ever! But my little children are the best treasures God could trust me with and not a day goes by that I regret staying home for them. The days are long but the years fly by. Treasure them because the first 4 years are uniquely special.

It’s not easy but it’s possible to keep your kids home with you! You just have to commit and then God sends the material goods. He always provides… prioritize the children! God bless you all.

[Sandra-faith]

I'm a stay at home mum of 3. Never considered leaving them in childcare despite 'expectations' from some people in my life. I stayed firm in my beliefs and absolutely no regrets. They are now 19, 16, 11. It's my calling to be a homemaker and I love it. I also worked in childcare previously and did not want that for my kids. Little ones need their Mum.

[lilianakostova]

In Bulgaria (Eastern Europe) there is 3 years maternity leave available during which time your job position is being kept. This time is divided as follows: First year the mother gets 90% of her salary, second year she gets the minimum wage (which is appalling but still something) and the third year there’s no monetary compensation but you can still choose to use it and not lose your job.
Compared to other countries and especially USA these policies are fantastic. And yet, due to financial struggles or feminist ideologies, most women only take the first year maternity and then go back to work.

[olivepennies]

I have trauma from walking away from my screaming 14 month old to "prove" myself to a boss during covid. She is so sweet and didn't deserve a mom who just walked away!

[yeseniafernandez]

I was raised by immigrant working parents. My mother worked not by choice they both had to work to care for me and my 4 siblings. However, before moving to the US my mom was a SAHM because she had the privilege to do so in her country. She always said if she had the choice to stay home with all her children. She 100% would! I now have a 2 year old & a career that I put on "hold" to be with him and my future kids & I wouldn't change 1 thing. Mothers if you are given the privilege to stay home please dont take it for granted!

[Sapphire.]

I wish I could like this more than once... I stayed home with all my three children, breastfed each till at least 18 months, and shared a bed with all till 5 years. It cost me a lot; no one close to me supported it, including their dad, who made things hard for me so that I would stop and find a job. But I wanted to protect them in their most vulnerable stages, and I knew it was best for them. It was very hard!!! But the Lord has been my strength and met all my needs during those times. I dont regret it because I trust I have provided them a safe and secure foundation that will benefit them long-term.

[WillemijnBrechtje]

Thank you for this podcast, as a young mother it is so uplifting to hear i am doing the right thing. I've had so many people tell me it's better to bring them to a daycare so they can socialize yet when our kids are in a group setting with other kids mine are better behaved and have better social skills. Also people are always amazed at how little my babies cried and didnt use a pacifier during the day because i was always holding them and breastfed. Listen to your motherlyinstincts❤

[minadady]

My first born is now about 3 ½ years and has begun Pre-K-3. He's FANTASTIC. He loves his teacher, and the structure is benefiting him. When he comes home all we do is physical activity to make up for all the hard work he's done. Prior to "school" I've been home with him the whole time. We never daycared him, I didn't work. And now I'm doing it all again with his little brother, who's about to be a year.

[tashacool]

What an upside down world, where a mother is looked down on for staying home, as if she gave up on herself.. and in a way, Yeah she did, but for something greater- for her Child and Family, when did ist stop to be admirable though to think about others first? And also that is the most rewarding and fullfilling thing to do! And the grestest gift for society as well!

[WesternPatriot-vm]

Thank you Erica!!!! Your wisdom and knowledge is valuable especially for millennials raised in daycares that lack parental skills to raise children whom never had someone there to model parenting to them full time. These millennials are not the wisdom on how parenting ought to be as they have no experience or knowledge on what it means to have a mother present and at home 40 hours a week . Continue your fantastic work and know millions of mothers are with you along with daycare raised children that lost that experience being home with their mothers being unconditionally loved while their parents were at work. Future generations will benefit from your work. Continue!!!!

[bigthangz]

Tammy Peterson, you & jordan are amazing. You are helping so many people.

[spop]

When I was in school for social work, we were talking about child development one class, and I had read in the textbook that it is essential for young kids to be with their mothers and fathers.
I specifically asked my prof about the dangers of daycare for young kids because surely being away from their parents for such a long time (thinking of the ones that are there all day while parents work), and was completely shut down.
She told me that because there were people there looking after the children as a type of parental surrogate that the child would develop the same way a child would if they stayed at home with their mother.
Even back then I didnt believe her because it did not make any sense.
And then I got a "pat on the head" comment from one of my classmates that obviously knew more than me because she had kids in daycare and they were obviously just fine.

So happy that theres someone out there calling attention to the importance of MOMS being the ones to spend time with their kids. How refreshing.

[micaelamcknight]

As an American listening to this it breaks my heart. I have to start
Work again. I saved every penny for years to be able to buy a home. Instead I used it to stay at home w my daughter. She’s 19 months. The idea of leaving her all day terrifies me. We do t have friends or family and have breastfed and co slept. I haven’t once had someone come to cook or clean or babysit. I hate society towards moms

[CJIncognito]

17:32 For how smart the human race can be, we are pretty dumb sometimes. Of course holding your baby matters!! How crazy, we had to learn this.

[saltchuckwest]

Never ever thought daycare could replace me and made sure I could stay home. Building blanket forts to each lunch and have a nap in was awesome. Still got shamed by working Moms which made me chuckle cause their stress was palpable.

[nessat]

I moved to Russia and my 2 year old is in day care from 7am to 4pm and it's amazing! And FREE! Instead of sitting in her car seat, she is getting fed, taught basic skills I already teach at home and gets socialized. She also has an incredible immune system. So happy to have her in day care. But.... not all day care is the same.

Living in Canada I could never leave my child in daycare. In fact I couldn't handle my child in school in Canada. It's insane how basic consideration for a child differs in different countries... and our family has money.

Conclusion, a good daycare will fully attend to your child's needs and you will feel right leaving your child there. Don't trust anyone and their words, trust your intuition... especially in the first 3 years. You're the mom and if somewhere or someone feels wrong, don't leave your child there.