I have dissociative amnesia || how it started, what it is + my feelings about it

Hey! I'm Allisun, a resilient Adult Child of an Alcoholic, a Narcissist, and overall Dysfunctional Family. In this video I admit that, due to being raised in constant stress, I have dissociative amnesia.

This is one of the weirdest phenomena in my world. I can't remember so much of my very own life.

As I mentioned in the video, I have mixed feelings about my memory loss. Though I did had many happy times and know I've been privileged and fortunate in a number of ways, I also experienced an overwhelming amount of pain. I was dependent on a family that was breaking my heart and spirit, and totally out of control of my circumstances. As a child, I couldn't process what was going on. I was living in survival mode, and memory storage wasn't a priority. Forgetting became a way to cope.

A big reason I started this Youtube channel is because I WANT TO REMEMBER. I want to remember and make sense the past, and tell YOU about it as I do, and I want to keep track of my life today. I want to clarify all of my clouded, dissociative thoughts and be able to express them out loud. I want to know how I feel and why, what I've been through, what I'm working on, and where I'm headed. I seek clarity and understanding. I strive to live a vibrant life worth remembering.

My siblings were the scapegoats of the family and remember all of the things that happened. They don't totally understand where I am coming from, but I know there is someone out there, maybe you, who does. I hope you know you're not alone. I hope you know that just because you can't fully remember, deep down you know the truth. It WAS that bad. You're not making it up, or making it into a bigger deal than it really is. I wish you strength and peace of mind and heart. If you want your memories to return, allow patience and trust that they will. If you don't think they will return, make peace with that and seek to remember your present life. Regardless, I hope you're okay and well on your way to being better than okay.

You're worthy of all the love and happiness in the world!

If you have any questions for me or would like to share your experience with dissociative amnesia or memory loss after trauma, feel free to do so in the comment section! You never know who needs to hear your story.

Happy Healing (:
Allisun

[childoflight]

I didn't realize that I forgot most of my childhood until I was about 18. Even now in my 30s I hardly remember many details only how I felt in certain situations or through my family's stories. My friend tells me it's a blessing not remembering because it's protecting me but a part of me wants to know what happened. Also I zone out a lot in conversations it's annoying to say the least. 😑

[omsnaga]

I think a lot of the time when we are under a lot of emotional stress the brain doesn't focus on forming any memory of the situation, so there are no memories to repress to begin with because you weren't fully "there" at the time.

[trippymiracle]

The eye thing u mention is a literal physical manifestation of dissociation. According to a licensed clinical social worker I talked to that focuses on treating trauma.

[chelsiemae]

I feel like sometimes we unknowing bury those traumatic memories to protect ourselves from any further stress from them. Sort of like a fight or flight response.

[goldieh]

Thank you for addressing this💕. I can’t really remember any birthdays either. Growing up I thought it was normal to not remember a lot of my past. My brother’s wife recently asked me, in front of my parents, something about when I was in grade school. I told her i didn’t remember a lot because I was very anxious as a child. Because I opened up to my mom once about the contempt my dad showed me growing up (she ended up telling my dad what I said, and btw, I discovered that they are both covert narcissists) my mom was quick to deflect from their part in it and she tried to blame my childhood friends for bullying me. I quickly responded back that they were just kids. My mom has constantly told me it is normal to not remember a lot from my past. Funny thing is she has also told me it’s normal for me and her to remember my life growing up differently. She constantly tries to tell my story to me and other people and getting the parts that I do remember wrong. I try to correct her when she does this and she tries to argue her case with me or acts like I embarrassed her in front of her friends by correcting her. She also tries to tell me how I’m feeling, what I like, or how she thinks I am living my life. Things like “he’s kinda like a father figure to you, huh.” And I’m like “no, he’s just a client and he’s probably half my age”. I think my parents have tried to manipulate my view of my childhood and their role in it by subtly gaslighting me throughout my life. Funny thing, is my dad’s favorite movie was the old movie Gaslight, the movie that the term gaslighting was taken from. Go figure.

[brianaashenfelter]

I completely broke down when you talked about the eye thing. I never knew others did that. It may not seem like much, but it was another revelation on my journey. Thank you.

[HKPiax]

Oh man I just started realizing that not remembering anything up until 13 years of age is NOT common, and it hit me pretty hard. My partents are lovely, they surely weren’t the cause, but I’ve always been fragile and extremely self aware. When I was a kid I couldn’t socialize and somehow couldn’t realize other people have emotions too, so I was alone and I couldn’t talk to anybody. The distress I think caused my memory to not function properly. This feeling of loneliness just crushed me and now I think I interiorized it (I haven’t received medical attention like a psychologist). The worst part is that I feel like I can’t blame anyone except me for this, and up until some time ago I just hated myself for this reason, now I feel like I’ve accepted it, this is who I am. Is this familiar to anyone?

[YakubTheFather]

Holy shit there’s more of us?! There’s no support groups for this issue, this is honestly relieving

[_quapp]

Your words resonated with me so hard I almost broke down. Never in a million years would I have the strength to upload this. I thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart

[lindseyeddington]

I’ve never related to someone this much. Thank you for this.

[themissingsock]

thank you for this video. I haven't though to look up anybody w/amnesia, and it's *so hard* to reconcile the things I lost with the things that people remember me as, and, anyway, thank you for sharing and having the courage to share so that somebody like me, who doesn't have the courage to match my face with my words, can hear it and feel less alone. have a wonderful year. I hope you're also doing well, years later.

[weirdthiccpeach]

It’s weird to hear someone else describe what I’m going through. I tend to not care about remembering until I’m on the spot about my past.

[Peacelove]

I totally relate to this. My thinks it’s the HIV affecting my brain, my sister thinks it’s the meds I’ve been taken since I was 5, I think it’s deeper. I have had severe memory loss for years. Even as a child I recalled things completely incorrectly. I don’t remember my favorite birthday. Shoot I completely forgot that at the airport my mother in-law was with me. I constantly say I’m sorry bc I just don’t remember. Dinner 3 nights ago, nope! Math, heck no! I’m starting to forget how to spell certain words where before I was an English wiz. won many spelling bees . It hurts my heart that because of the severity of loss in memory recall many people don’t want to stay my friends. Damn I typed people! 😭 I absolutely relate. My therapist was the one who told me to look into this as I do suffer from PTSD and not often but has been linked to this particular dissociative disorder.

[maggs]

the eye i thought i had a weak eye or something omfg. thank you for all your videos!

[MHChrono]

I can't remember a single birthday I had as a kid or teen... nothing before 20 or so... I've got pieces, scraps of memory here and there from when I was younger, but that's it. I think I use most of my energy to block out all of my emotions and reality... just trying to stay small, or not exist at all. I'm kind of afraid of remembering... I run and hide from feelings and memories because I've conditioned myself to fear them. It's pretty much taken over my life.

[saranohmusic]

God I really appreciate you making this. I don't remember most of my birthdays either. The distinction between all the assaults are blurred too. I trained my mind to not think about my abuse. I'm recovering sexual abuse memories but most of it is blocked. What makes me sad is that most of my everyday life is blocked too. I want to remember... But I understand my mind was protecting me all these years. I subscribed and looking forward to watching more of your videos! :)

[angelagoins]

Wow.... I have no words. I really thought I was the only one. I always knew I forgot stuff... and I knew I could purposely forget them... I always just called it my "black box" in my head. I am at a point where I am tired of going around the same circles in my life, and am trying to "fix myself" / heal.... so I am learning a lot, but realize the years of trauma I experienced has really left me confused as to who I really am.

[frannie]

Myself and my family work around my dissociative amnesia and now find it quite amusing I’m also bipolar so life’s interesting to say the least!
Your description resonated with me I had a traumatic childhood the scapegoat of an abusive covert narcissist then carried on the cycle with 20 years of horrific domestic violence all the while self medicating my then undiagnosed disorders!
I will definitely come back and share some more you seem lovely 😊
Taking responsibility and safeguarding your mental health is the most important part and the first step to heal somewhat.
If i can remember that is 😊
🤗 💖💖

[paulagonzalez]

Hi! Great video! I have this type of amnesia. I don't remember much of my childhood. My few memories are from times I was away from home, visiting other people or staying at other people's homes for vacation. I only have one memory from childhood with my mother and that is because it was the best moment of our family life. No abuse was going on that day. Other than that, I have years blocked out of my memory. I honestly don't want them to resurface. If my brain protected me from that, I'm grateful.

[sahanab.m]

Omg.... Is this why I don't remember most of my life?! The incident with your friend is so similar to what happened to me a few years ago... Watching a famous celebrity talk about her childhood in an interview, I tried to remember mine and just went blank. And you are so right. Times like these, I sometimes question the abuse I suffered (not as surprising, I guess, what with how narcissistic parents make you question your reality to the point that you might not trust yourself any longer)
I can't thank you enough for this video... Now I know why I'm bad at recalling most of my life but do fairly well at college...
Pls don't stop sharing!