5 Thought Distortions That Keep You Codependent (And How To Heal Them)

[wait_in_gold_ON_SPOTIFY]

I’ll take responsibility. I won’t say I was THE problem, but I was part of it. I lied to protect her feelings a ton, and that created a vibe that me doing all the emotional labor was us “working things out”.

[luminousweb]

I appreciate seeing these things in writing, so in case this helps anyone else I'm sharing.
In Secure Relationships:
1. We offer people the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and support them emotionally through that process
2. We give love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel in connection with them
3. We're honest about the ways we differ from the other person and ideally learn through those differences
4. We use conflict and disconnection as opportunities to reconnect to our self and to build long-term intimacy through an awareness of each other's boundaries and differences
5. We give people the opportunity to rise to the occasion of loving us in a way that preserves our dignity as well as theirs

[DP-]

Self abandoning is me all over. I over invest and try to cater in order to prevent them from wanting to leave and in the process I lose myself, I lose that which attracted them in the first place because I become someone else. I’m 36 and I just figured this out yesterday.

[cameronpavelic]

“Give people the opportunity of loving us while preserving our dignity, as well as theirs”

Very well summarized, thank you.

[emmabobby]

You don't necessarily do double the work and anticipate the other's needs because you believe they lack the skills or emotional maturity. You do it because you believe you owe it to them. You see no flaw in them, you just believe that if you don't prove over and over again that you can provide for them and make everything in your shared life, as fluide and nice as you possibly can, they will see you as unworthy of love, as you have been trained to believe you are.

[carissaetlora]

This video just changed everything for me. The part about trying to be the same as somebody you’re dating has been an insane blindspot for me and it explains much. Thank you.

[julietteferrars]

I’ve been avoiding this video all day because I know it’s what I need to hear. I struggle with codependency so badly with my mom. She has had cancer my whole life and I’ve always been anxious about losing her. I try to make every moment perfect since I’m afraid it’ll be our last time together. We have some good bonding moments, but she also guilt-trips me a lot and is very emotionally immature. I feel like I’m her mother and even her therapist. I feel horrible around her sometimes, but whenever we spend time apart I have panic attacks or feel so guilty for enjoying life without her. It’s a miserable way to live and I’m honestly just pushing through everyday waiting for life to happen for me. Your videos have been super helpful and encouraged me to face a lot of my issues instead of sleeping and daydreaming my life away. 🖤 It’s hard. I’m grateful for your support.

[iddefusco]

List @19:50

1) the belief that when you love someone it’s your job to save them from the consequences of their own actions

2) the belief that it’s unkind to express your anger or discontent with someone who has unintentionally hurt you

3) the belief that closeness is being the same as someone else (emphasizing similarities and hiding your dissimilarities)

4) the belief that falling out of connection with someone in any given moment is an emergency that needs to be immediately solved in order for you to remain close.

5) the belief that love means anticipating other people’s limits, and not expecting anything more of them. (Give the other the opportunity to rise to the occasion and work together as equals and as a team)

[ryanbarker]

Codependency is such a misunderstood and stigmatized term. I know I felt so incredibly heard when my therapist finally succeeded in pushing me towards my first CODA 12 step meeting. This video is awesome.

[christianyaerger]

"Don't erase yourself."

An excellent summation of this video. I found myself sitting down and writing out 3 pages of notes on this video, exploring my own missteps in relationships, and where these behaviors originated. Being able to break those things down is helping my acknowledge and process some childhood traumas.

Thank you for all your work. :)

[vaniafelipe]

I had this aha moment few weeks ago. I saw myself trying to love people into loving me. I had to set hard boundaries on myself. At first it feels like you’re a bad person, but when you take a step back and get some clarity you see the wisdom in patience.

[jaclyndiane]

Im realizing one of the ways insecure attachment shows up for me is, I have a really hard time with not internalizing incompatibility to mean that there is something wrong with me. And really pedastalizing the other person, that they’re all good, and I’m all bad. Glad I see it, but it’s still painful in those moments. AND, im surviving it. 💯

[sandybrown]

I think this starts even younger. As a child, in order to keep myself safe, I learned to protect my parents from their bad choices. Co-dependency infects us at a very early age and affects us as adults.

[klb]

As an anxiously attached person working to heal, I recently stopped myself mid-people pleasing by being honest with my best friend and telling her I didn't want her to come with me on my birthday trip to Europe. The reason I don't want her to come is because I feel like we are on different healing paths, and when I try to explain concepts to her like anxious attachment and limerence, she gets defensive. I struggled so much feeling terrible after I told her I didn't want her to join me on my trip. I kept telling myself "other people's thoughts and feelings are not my responsibility" and that helped. I think me feeling so bad about it (like unable to sleep well for a few days, terrible feeling in my stomach) is a symptom of my codependency and anxious attachment, and I feel like she might be codependent as well - she has repeatedly emphasized in the past that we are BFFs for life, I'm her sister, etc. That feels like a lot of weight to bear, especially when it's just natural for people grow apart sometimes. I felt (and still kind of feel) like I am responsible for her. Anyway, I'm glad that I was honest with her. Thank you for your videos Heidi, I love watching your subscriber count increase because more of the world needs to hear your wisdom <3

[Laht]

Just came across this video and have listened halfway so far. I only recently learnt about co-dependency and unfortunately it describes me. I can't believe none of the therapists I've been to over the years have ever told me about it. I'm 53 already! Also disappointed in myself that I didn't pick up on it myself. It would've saved me alot of distress. Thank you for enlightening me.

[angelmossucco]

Conflict is necessary in the presence of emotional and analytical intimacy.
Relationships are a venn diagram, not a circle. ❤️

[helenan]

Thank you. I rejected the idea i could be codependent in my relationship of 5 yrs that just ended. I thought it meant you couldnt live without the person and constantly seeking their validation, but you helped me understand it and realise how much i am codependent. I am 23 and grateful for so many valuable videos on youtube to break generational patterns early on in my life <3

[justinbordner]

I've spent my adult life in solitude, aside from work, developing my talents, curiosities, emotional IQ, respect for myself and love for life Heidi. Consequently, I have learned to not out source my self esteem. I have earned what I've learned. There are 3 things that I will not beg for, money, sanctuary, nor will I ever beg for love. I will not force love to be sympathetic to cynicism or saddism. I love what you say about the harvest of honesty, and growing together through creative differences, however I feel that if my companion is harming me, willfully or not, that if I need to explain to them that they are being disrespectful, being psychicly vampiric, or emiting vibes that disturb me or if they lack grace in their movements I will walk away. I do not believe that natural attraction, authentic affection needs to be coached or corrected to encourage compatability. You and I either connect like red to a rose, or we seperate as the stars leave the dawn.

[lauradeveausmith]

I appreciate your devotion to the precision of your language.

[sunnyadams]

Swooping in to clean up the mess also robs the person of the confidence and sense of self-sufficiency, cleaning up your own mess brings. If you're never allowed the satisfaction of saving ourselves, how do we learn how and have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves. I was cast into torturous, crippling anxiety eventually.

Or not only watching someone suffer is hard, but more than that, with a Narcissistic parent they rush in to fix it because of how trouble reflects upon the person due to how it might "look to the neighbors". Not for the kid's benefit. Mine were masters at then blaming me for not fixing myself.... I had to get rid of them and learn real quick how to ADULT @ 57. BUT I DID IT AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF now. Thanks, , Heidi ❤