Why Do INFJs and INFPs ALWAYS Feel Like the Outsider?

INFJ and INFP personality types tend to always feel like the outsider because we’re so different from other people. But there is also another, deeper, reason that we feel like we don’t fit anywhere and it has to do with what we experienced from our family growing up as an INFJ or INFP.

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[gratefuldan]

"The Introverted
Intuitive has, in a way,
a very difficult life,
although one of the
most interesting lives."
Carl Jung

[sunset]

You are correct. Ppl are not ready for us.

[UniversalDirp]

I am an INFP, and all my parents were ESTJ. Every. Single. One.

[alexarogers]

My boyfriend is an INFP and I’m an INFJ and I feel like this is one of the things that brought us together. We could both relate to feeling like an outsider and we both had existential difficulties lol

[carolinaluz_lumiar]

This is so true! I am so intuitive and it's always creeped people out! I don't know many intuitive people, specially introverte intuitive people. I live in Brazil, it's a very extroverted country and introvertion and intuition are not very appreciated here. My family has too many issues that they feel content to just ignore and as a child I always pointed them out hoping to solve them, but I was called a liar and they made me doubt what I was seeing. To this day, 40 years old, I still doubt my intuition. Thank you for shedding the light on this subject.

[franzjosefmueller-alban]

So true, after spending my entire life trying to “fit” in in my mature age ( I’m 55 ) I decided just to be me.. and oh boy the more people I meet, the more o enjoy been alone . So for whoever it may help: one day you realize that your soul mate has been always been you, accept it, embrace it and you will never feel alone (or need anyone else ) in your life .
Best wishes to you all
Franz

[kittywalker]

I do know this as an adult.
Hearing you describe it from a child’s perspective just gave me one of Oprah’s Aha! moments. I was known to be weird by first grade. I was bullied and blah blah blah, it was rejection city the whole time. Accepted. What I never saw until this video is How it happened that I was rejected by my own family members, as a child. I grew up thinking it was bc I was unlovable. I didn’t love myself until my late 40’s. By the age of 32 I knew I was lovable bc I became a mother, but it took about 15 more years for me to crack the seal. I’ll be analyzing this for a while, like any respectable INFJ. Thanks a lot!

[shanehazlewood]

I have always felt like the outsider. From playing kickball at school recess to playing music on stage in college, and everywhere in between, but especially at work. Although I’ve felt kinship with some people who had similar interests, rarely have I felt understood. Sometimes people closest to me call me crazy or weird. But it’s ok. I own it. I’m learning to lean into that, and still be the awesome self I know I can be. But it’s taken a long time and a lot of learning, growing, and working on myself, and reducing the negative people and groups that give off that vibe. It’s a process, and I’m further along than I was, and I’ll keep growing and finding my people as I learn to live out and express my truth. I look forward to the days when more and more people I’m around get me and cheer me on. Thanks Lauren for another insightful and helpful video!

[trocycling]

I'm an INFJ all day long. My dad is an ISTJ and for whatever reason told me (every single day!) that I was exactly like him. I ended up going into the same professional field as him, and in my 40's, I cracked. I'm now trying to reinvent myself, so to speak, but it is extradinarily difficult as I have a family to support now. All the signs were there early on that I needed to be doing something different with my life, but I just wanted to please and had no other direction other than where he was guiding me. I don't think he intended harm, but that was kind of abusive in my opinion. I wouldn't dream of forcing my kids down the path that I took because "it was the best one for me, so it will be for them also".

[bcrwarlock]

As a child, I was always saying the "wrong thing" and getting in trouble for it. I didn't know the script, but was expected to adhere to it. And as Lauren said, there would be consequences afterwards. I too felt like something was wrong with me, and having my stepdad saying so on top of it all made it so much worse. The only way to have peace was to become a people pleaser, and constantly seek validation that I am doing "the right thing". Later in my high school years, I made up stories about myself so I would seem cool and be accepted. But they saw right through me, and I only ended up feeling humiliated and even more like an outsider.

I feel like I have found my tribe reading all of the comments here. It only took 48 years to figure it out and find you all.

[hugmc]

We are made into family scapegoats even in adulthood ❤

[marie_sushi]

I'm an INTP writer and I feel the same way

[IveeNia]

Brilliant - thank you so much! True - my parents were frightened because i have always worn my heart on my sleeves - but i learned with all these years (am 59 soon) that sometimes it is better to bite your tongue off instead of saying something - but today i said it: (it was the goodbye lunch of my daughter's farewell from a boarding school)

i said to all the parents and people there - (and of course, the pupils who had just finished their exams): that WE SHOULD NEVER KILL THE LITTLE CHILD IN OURSELVES - i made that clear to all of them - that this is the most important "person" in our bodies - because if we do - our fire is extinguished - but as INFJs are - i lacked words - i can better write such stuff :) however - those who needed to understand that answer - did and thanked me :) (it was hard to speak up in front of all of them) ;)

[cory]

This is exactly it for me, too young I recognized that my parents felt uncomfortable with me. It's lonely because they don't even recognize in themselves that they do this. I transitioned a year ago and get lots of surface level acceptance but then the extreme discomfort is painfully obvious to me. To them they think thats what acceptance is.

[bladerunner]

I'm 45 and have felt like an outsider for years and hope it goes on for life 😀I wonder if this world is actually meant for us.

[laisa.]

OH THE SCRIPT! I saw the dynamics in my family, but was scolded for pointing anything out. One person was almost a tyrant and I couldn't tolerate it. But everyone else seemed to, and I was punished for not following their script. Only at 15 my mom for the very first time admitted I had been right about this tyrant all along. It felt like such a rejection... I had been scolded for being right. The world was SO CONFUSING!
Plus, I realized "nothing" was real. Like christmas. It was made up. Monday was made up. We made up all kinds of stuff, but everyone seemed to believe it to be the only truth, and I felt yet again on the outside of both my family and society....

At 46 I'm diagnosed adhd and gifted iq, which is quite the rabbit hole.. I don't blame anyone anymore, I stopped that 20 years ago as I saw everyone has their own reality. But then I've tended to fit into other's reality somehow, instead of being true to myself.. whatever tht may mean. 😅😅

[caroleb]

Thanks for this Lauren. At midlife, I've been through many of these experiences. I've lost a lot, been through a lot, and am still going through a lot. Although I don't yet have the life that would be healthiest and happiest for me, at least I've come to understand why life has felt so difficult and confusing. I live in hope, take one day at a time, and use my creativity to imagine what my future could look like, and that's what keeps me going.

[GraceUnderFire]

Thank you so much, Lauren! I’m in my 40’s and I’ve never felt more seen. I’ve subscribed to your channel and am super excited to hear more of your insights in regards to INFP-A personality types with extreme intuitiveness. Grateful for your meaningful work, Lauren.

[illumin]

This fit so perfectly. As a teenager, I became very extraverted and highly active in all kinds of groups in order to find people outside of the home and to avoid home. Very successful in that, a)most of my family (females) resented me and b) I learned those achievements changed/meant nothing in the end.

Also…in human design, I’m a self-projected projector….also relatively rare. Somehow your video and that helps with the uniqueness…but still feel an outsider. Whenever I try to accept the advice of others…..it tends to backfire for me. But I’m so conditioned. Sigh….but life is good and I’m grateful and enjoy my spiritual/intuitive ways! I hope ya’ll do too!

[catrocastre]

I never thought about that. I feel like I wanted to be seen and nurtured for so long that I got unhealthy, like number 4 in The Umbrella Academy Series.