I think my wife might be having an emotional affair. What can I do?

Recently a man in a community I serve posted a question I've seen in hundreds of forms:

"What is an emotional affair and why is it so disruptive? My wife had an WhatsApp affair with a guy years ago. He had just split with his wife and... she reached out to him and it went from there. At peak it was 300 messages a day. I was very hurt by this
...
She told me I was being silly. She told me I was being insecure.
...

She had lied about it, kept it hidden from me. They had secret meet ups in my house very late at night and concealed it from me.

She promised to stop the relationship. And then we were "in love" again but through lock down our marriage fell apart, for me out if nowhere. And she was putting me down and comparing me to the man she thought I should be, then I realized this was the man HE is / seems to be.

Then I found out she had got back in touch with him 2 weeks after she said she'd stopped and they had more meetings."

Brothers - these scenarios are super tough to navigate. A woman who won't get off her phone. Who's sending hundreds of texts a day to another man that is NOT you. Watching it feels like opening all the doors and windows on the coldest day of the year and watching the heat just flow out.

When a man says something about it, he's often shot down with brutal attacks about his shortcomings.

To get through this, a man must have brotherhood, wisdom, and a solid support system of men who know exactly what to do.

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[luiscarrasquillo]

Wow, listening to this after a situation that happened to me 30 years ago! If I would’ve known! Caught my wife talking to her ex and denying it with all her heart when I was looking at the proof in front of my eyes and still denying it! What you say here is the truth about them trying to put the shame on you. And what was wurst was that I called the dude and he straight up said it was her. Should of left then and there because 30 years later and 2 adult children my life has been miserable 😖

[travisrules]

This is not only informative but also very telling, on both sides. Speaking as the "third-party, " many people (including some here) may think it is on the partner who initiated the "emotional affair" to bear the brunt of the blame. But I think the reality that some may forget is that it also falls on the other partner as well. As Psychologist Esther Perel states, "If the partner has everything they need at home, there is no reason to look elsewhere."

If the partner is not providing the emotional support at home, is it any wonder why they are looking elsewhere? Not to say the intentions from the third-party were leading to an affair, but it was apparent that the person in question had frustrations about their partner such as insecurity and frequently bringing up the past.

I think it's easy to suggest there is a lack of accountability on the partner who has an emotional affair, but I think it would be fair to also suggest accountability should come from both partners. In reference to the insecurity, there does seem to be that (although you indicate that it is not but there is some hint of that). It's easy to point blame but wouldn't the blame also be on the partner who is not responsive or willing to work on themselves? If the partner was doing everything they should be doing and contributing to the relationship, there should be no reason for the partner to be concerned. Right or wrong?

What I merely want to point out is that relationships are always a work in progress. They are in need of re-configuration and re-modification. It is to no surprise there is a sense of comfortability and thinking of "I have this person. We're married. Have kids. The job is done." This mentality can be damaging if this expectation is the norm. Relationships require work.

[jaydixson]

I made my wife separate from my best friend. 9 months later she wants to go back as friends. You are dead on with your words

[CynthiaWilsonMinister]

Great message on emotional affairs. I agree that women that are not getting attention and emotional support at home can easily be lured into an emotional affair. I just posted my message on this topic. Also, gaslighting takes place when a spouse is confronted. I found that in my own marriage.

[ddnick]

Once u cross the boundary, there is no way u will see your partner as the same. These self proclaimed experts and therapist are making money out of your pain and giving u lame excuses to stay with the unfaithful spouse. Fights and disagreement is a part of relationship but this is sneaky
You can not trust them for long term. " People change " Yes but but after cheating there is no relationship.

[marciamellow]

It is all about self worth...you have it or you don't...for both men and women!

[mrk]

My Wife, now ex-wife did this all the time. It's cheating mentally instead of physically.

[beegee]

I am female... if that hurt my BF and I wanted to stay in the relationship with my BF I would stop any extraneous relationships with illicit "friends".

[nickdipaolofan]

I'm only five minutes in and this guy is describing the average woman perfectly regarding lack of accountability, letting their emotions rule them, and especially trying to gaslight their man if he confronts her on her bullshit.

[beegee]

12:50 ... yes, my ex BF did not have great boundaries from the get-go. A big flirt (confirmed recently by his brother) . He would even do it in front of me and never introduce me. I can only imagine what he did when I wasn't around. I communicated how these things hurt me he would gaslight each time. It was hard on me. So when he started up with an emotional affair with his "little friend" that was like the last straw.

[mrk]

My advice, leave the woman. She learned that it's ok and she'll never learn that it's wrong if you stay. She will deny everything that he just discussed and call you crazy and make you believe it. Trust me, God has revealed much about my ex wife who loves her everything except herself and her husband.

[beegee]

My ex BF said that he would drop his "friend" and then a couple days later he said he changed his mind. (Mind fck) He toyed with my emotions.

[voulapetrakos]

I’m sorry this goes both ways my husband was having an emotional affair with our sons mother n law I picked his phone up and and I could not believe it the following day he told me I don’t want to live with u and our marriage was over four years ago I thought what in the fuck are u saying he turned my life into hell after I married him when I was 14 and a half and six children so mr u need it’s two way street it’s not only woman I hate this man that I loved and respected I never ever thought he would do something like this he destroyed me and our family after many years of marriage if u can’t handle it hit the road by the way after two years we settled he was hiding so much money had so many accounts that I had no idea plus he was sending his personal stock market shares for her and she’s married and she’s 9 years older then me I don’t understand what u are trying to say I blame men 70 percent👎😂

[anum]

What abt my bf doing this emotionl affair with his cousin, although he has been accountable but also gaslighting me that i m the who does not want a threesome. Like he literally said that. What the hell should i do now? Should I leave him?

[sobiaperez]

What should she do ?? If it’s been a few times over the years and he loves women

[drezdnerj]

Wrong wrong wrong if u make a marriage all about you that's where it's wrong from rye get go

[LeroyLegacy]

Women aren't comfortable with accountability...that's a freaking statement right there!