Hysteria When Your Partner Is Too Calm

Within couples, a dynamic often emerges during arguments where one person becomes very ‘emotional’ (much to the annoyance of their ‘reasonable’ partner). Yet the wisest response is not frustration, but compassion: to try to understand the source of their emotional distress.

FURTHER READING

"There are arguments in which one person will get so upset that they start to behave in ways that range far beyond the imagined norms of civilised conduct: they speak in a highly pitched voice, they exaggerate, they weep, they beg, their words become almost incoherent; they pull their own hair; they bite their own hand; they roll on the floor…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Deanca Rensyta

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[theschooloflifetv]

Send this film to someone who could benefit from it and help our community grow.

[joi]

I’m okay with calm. I’m just not okay with avoiding and deflecting.

[slope]

I’ve never even had a partner yet I keep getting recommendations like these...

[kiringuyen]

Being calm is being in control of our emotions, not acting on negative emotions which might make us regret later on. But it’s true that there’s a thin line between being calm and being cold/distant. We have to observe the person’s behavior for a while to distinguish it

[JaneyBrown]

This video is everything. Especially this line: “...it’s possible for a person to be cruel, dismissive, stubborn, harsh and wrong and keep one’s voice utterly steady... Just as one can, equally well, be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent - and have a point.” It's so easy to lay all the blame on the spirited people in a disagreement because they are more overtly passionate and seemingly angry. It's not fair. Thank you for the validation in this video!

[RenIkeda]

Can we also not forget that really listening and a bit of empathy in someone’s time of need goes so much further than dismissing them

[ahverypro]

My past relationship was like this. I would start off trying to discuss our issues calmly, while she would deflect and ignore. Then I would end up getting madder and madder until she said I'm not talking to you until you're done being mad. Which always made me feel crazy. Many times I'd come back calm and actually try to bring it up again and the pattern continued until all the problems piled up til I couldn't take it anymore

[nadcha]

This made me cry because I was just trying to explain this to my husband and couldn’t articulate it well! Thank you!

[tylerkrueger]

Thousands of relationships saved by Alain telling you not to tell your girlfriend to "Calm down." That's a true hero

[KR-rddq]

As someone who inherited traits from living with the “hysteric” parent (because the “calm” parent couldn’t be bothered to parent), I’m surprised that so many people are the calm ones. But as the one shouting usually, it was interesting to see what the calm ones are thinking.

I think that was the problem, in my case anyways. The emotional side would always lay out everything wholeheartedly and honestly and expect the same from the calm side which never reciprocated the same way.

I know that it must be just as emotionally draining to be calm as it is hysteric as such but at least you don’t have to live with the guilt, shame and humiliation afterwards. And this is often given by the calm side when all the hysteric side needed was compassion and the calm side to open up a bit more.

For me (from witnessing and experiencing it) getting angry like that, is like a drug or poison or something and your body goes into a complete panic as you feel like you’ve lost all control. You don’t want to get angry but you have to let it happen or your suffocating and as soon as you do, you regret it.

[FreakingFerret]

sometimes I get so mad that I cry, because I don’t like being mad at my loved ones. Damn.

[LittleMissDeeDee]

I feel like my calm nature and level-headedness during confrontational situations has caused more friction, but I refuse to expend any energy through fussing and fighting. Shouting at my loved one isn't how I show I care. And tbh I stay calm because I know if I blow up, things will escalate - I am capable of being very nasty when angry, so I rather hold onto my dignity and remain in control of my emotions.

[sarahjensen]

People who act dismissive of others' emotions in order to control them or project their "superiority" are dangerous. If someone does this to you, or anyone else in front of you, get away from them and take precautions. These people seem "off" for a very good reason.

[sr]

I’ve become calm over time - but not because I’ve matured - but rather I’ve lost the will to fight or explain myself. Especially, after years of explaining (arguing) falling on deaf ears

[JoaquinArguelles]

I'm usually the calm one, but definitely not always the right one. And great point: at some point, I'll be both "right and acting crazy" at the same time. It's happened before, it'll happen again.

[shormy]

This issue was explained very well in one of the episodes of Esther Perel's podcast series "Where should we begin?"
Episode's title is "It's very hard to live with a saint"

[Kruhee]

I wouldn't say that being condescending is the same as being 'too calm.' You can be calm while not putting down or demeaning the other party in an argument. Though I would agree with the overall message that what we say, how we feel, and our points in arguments are often confused with our reactions.

[UncleWermus]

I've never shut people down when they get hysterical, but I do gear way down as a counterbalance. I process my stress and anger differently, like a stepped pool, and I don't react to things like this right away. Instead I basically "Put er in neutral" and just let the moment happen as they figure out all the things they need to say. Let em talk. Usually they calm themselves down after a few minutes, they just don't know how to express things calmly *while upset.* The silent treatment or forced behavioral change is manipulative and psychotic.

The only problem is that *some people* don't want to be calmed down, they want to see you get mad and engage them in their intemperance whether they think they can "win" or force you into doing something that will net them concessions in the long run. You'll know you're with the second type of person when they start turning to things like extensive day planning and sleep deprivation. Those people are trying to illicit a response in kind; their goal is not actually to be listened to, but to shatter that calm and try to manipulate you in the ensuing chaos.

[sineadw]

I was a yeller, extremely reactive in the past and I have learned to be calm. I've worked on myself a lot to get here. I will say that sometimes when in discussion and it gets heated and a partner begins to yell and become overly emotional. This is very overwhelming for me now. I have empathy at times. However, I have learned that sometimes having empathy for someone who consistently yells and gets angry or overly emotional with me due to a difference of opinion is abuse. And I have learned that my empathy at times only excuses thier behaviour as I was use to idealisng people in the past. This video is definitely context suited, if a person is being emotionally and verbally abused they learn to placate. They learn to stay calm. So for some the conent in this video might not be helpful as it might further them to idealise and empathise with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive

[sebhipolito]

This is so relatable for me right now.