Signs the Unfaithful Isn’t Growing in Repair Work after an Affair

Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post infidelity recovery work it’s not always easy to know who is exhibiting safe behavior and who is exhibiting unsafe behavior. Filled with humor, passion and grit, today’s video reveals signs the unfaithful isn’t quite serious about repair work.

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 - Amanda, Florida

HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[atherisgreen]

I've tried 3 years with my cheating wife, this women will never change. She's got excuses for everything, consistent with NOTHING, and I'm tired, We have 4 kids, I've done my best to hang in there for them, to avoid them losing their family and foundation. But it wont happen, 2023 this is over for me. I just cant do it anymore with this women.

[mfar]

1-defensiveness
2-lack of urgency
3-perpetually making excuses
4-alienation (of therapist/the group setting/etc) placing comfort over healing
5-must be chased to do the work (read the books, attend sessions, etc)
6-finding fault with all the help available & everyone around
7-still hiding things & being dishonest
8-unreliable

[LaLeoRonroneo]

The man who betrayed our relationship cried about just wanting us to be happy. He had all these red flags, although he did sit down to do the affair recovery boot camp everyday . He resisted healing from his addiction and rebuilding trust. I remember I asked him, “ what should be the consequence if more lies would surface?” And instead of reassuring me that it just would not happen again he said “if I lie to you again you should just leave me.” Sadly, that was his way of saying he was incapable to do better for us. It was weeks later that I reached my limit after a snarky comment about betrayal. I am grateful to have done my work and moved on in integrity best I could two years after the lies were uncovered.

[AshleyJax]

This is exactly what I’m experiencing with my husband and he’s had multiple affairs and still hasn’t been humbled by his actions or shown true remorse it’s just insults and neglect if I try to get him to even watch a video with me

[terrywade]

Signs you’re not growing:

1) defensiveness
2) excuses
3) alienated (your own comfort is more important)
4) you have to be chased, no initiative
5) find fault with everything (not humble)
6) still hiding things (still evasive, not transparent)
7) not reliable

I’m going to add:

8) putting your needs or wants first
9) not initiating the difficult conversations
10) not showing any interest in your partner’s healing or feelings
11) inconsistent behaviors
12) playing the martyr
13) not asking your partner any questions in an effort to learn more about how you damaged them
14) not being inclusive
15) lying to yourself and believing your own lies
16) not challenging your own thoughts to see if they’re true
17) doing everything the same way and expecting a different result
18) not trying to repair your integrity
19) coasting and hoping things get better on their own
20) lack of urgency to win back your spouse
21) not being vulnerable with your spouse by sharing feelings
22) lack of self awareness
23) not showing sincere remorse or compassion
24) acting frustrated because of their inability to trust you
25) treating your betrayed spouse like they’re trying to cause you pain or “turn the knife” by reminding you that all of these actions you’re NOT doing is causing them more pain and that they’ll never get over your betrayal!

All of these things show that you are not safe enough for your spouse to heal or trust you anytime soon.

[Kairos_Kronos]

I have even thanked him for the few times he stayed when I mention I’m not okay or I’m getting triggered and it went well, but then when truth gets revealed he acts like that isn’t a punch to the gut and just drags me back into the hell I was going through, making me feel so defeated and exhausted and back finding there is still so much not to trust still.

[turbogts]

Samuel you have been invaluable in my and my wife's rebuilding effort. One thing I realize now is that the unfaithful/betrayed dynamic applies to all of our other marriage problems besides my addiction. I haven't commented on here for a few weeks because we have been so busy owning our s&$t together. Almost six months into separation, we now know we will be back together after the kids are done with this school year. Surrender the ego and give it to God, whichever role you are in. It's working for us, praise Him.

[jhawkins]

Thanks Sam, I just Talked to Tony on Wednesday and 6 of these are the exact issues I've run into as a betrayed from my unfaithful partner, stuck and frustrated I remain... Hoping EMSO will break thru the issues. Your video's are spot on ever topic, I've watched about 60 of your videos. Sooo helpful and I am extremely thankful for this program. You all have helped me as a betrayed of 25yr marriage more than words can express. ❤🧡💜

[TX-oorn]

More great info.. Really appreciate your information and your delivery is personal. Sadly I am venturing down this path, but so glad to have found you. Keep up the good work.

[robertmullen]

Thank you Sam for another great video. I look forward to each Thursday morning for these new and helpful words of wisdom.
I appreciate the time and effort that goes into them. Great topic today.
We're still here, pretending together, 1947 days since D-Day. The boys are growing up so fast, and doing great at school and karate.
I hope you enjoy a great Christmas. Thanks for all you do.

[rajeshbajaj]

11:37 your marker’s are so to the point. Thanks for sharing such great info.

[clay_vessel]

Thank you for the information. Not sure I agree about the group settings. I think some need 1:1 group seem to be like putting a bunch of criminals together. Still not understanding taking responsibility. I chose to cheat because your actions made me. Is still a HUGE lack of maturity. It’s quite sad, for the person doing the behaviors, but also for the person who wants to have a healthy relationship.

[kevinkennett]

Almost 3 years out, and my UW failed in all of these scenarios. I was losing hope, but now I know there is no hope for us.

[carolynyoung]

Questioning if he is still hiding things even if not about the affair are what’s hard for me to let go of. It’s been 3 months since discovery and I feel like we are doing better healing together. The trust or at least the belief in trust is killing me.

[rbee]

Laughing and shaking my head.. My ex-husband hit every single marker for years! Years later, I am married to an incredibly good and kind man of God, and my family is still hoping and praying for the return of my psychopathic ex because apparently having a divorced daughter is the worst thing that can happen 😅

[ashenmirage]

I too have tried for 3 years after my UW had a 3 year affair. Unfortunately I had the extremely bad luck of actually seeing it, since they had a compulsion to record it. I can now see there is no hope. I have tried everything to change my reaction, response, the way I communicate. And realized I was doing all the changing. She still reached out multiple times. Lies about absolutely everything. Makes excuses for the lack of effort and interest. No remorse. I think I got one apology and a few”get over it”. So bad now there is hardly any civil communication. Plus I think she’s doing it again. And still doesn’t have the balls to just say she doesn’t want to be married to me. I think she enjoys watching me break. Well She broke me. I don’t even know who I was before this. I am withdrawn, depressed, antisocial, miserable. Everything I worked so hard for is gone. I don’t know how I’m going to snap out of it to fight for my kids to have a father. I feel like I’m chained to a tree.

[katsarti]

Thankyou Sam....It's almost as if you looked into my situation with a magnifying glass. 2 plus years after original D

[gebronthomasson]

and remember how much time and effort put into the affair..so not an excuse

[jamesmcginn]

Im doing work we did free bootcamp. Im eager to watch videos or readings but when she rages i get stonewall then get defensive. Even when i try not to be defensive im defensive i dont know what to do.

[ファミリーフォーラムジャパン]

My spouse Was in contact with an old boyfriend repeatedly, breaking promises and lying about it. She would apologize, but then in therapy would insist she had done nothing wrong (I.e because the interaction with him had not been sexual). Fudging on apologies is a clear sign of a vacillating attitude toward recovery.