Open Relationships || Mayim Bialik

Follow Up: I Was Wrong About Open Relationships

There are things I just don't *get* about open relationships. Yup, I'm going there. Check out today's vlog on open relationships (consensual non-monogamy) to hear my thoughts and questions about this kind of relationship arrangement.
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You may know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory, or from Blossom, but hopefully, these videos allow you to get to know me better as Mayim, too! Subscribe to my channel for video updates. I upload new videos every Thursday!

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About Mayim Bialik:
You ​might know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory or from Blossom​ but there are so many other parts of me that you might not be aware of​!​​ I’m trained ​as a​ neuroscientist, ​I'm ​a passionate activist, an observant Jew, a​ perfectly imperfect​ mother, and ​I'm a complicated human being​ like many of you​. This is the place where I wear ​all of those hats - and none of them have a flower on them! ;)

[alexreith]

Please don't take any of this as a personal attack, I genuinely like you (as much as I know about you as someone who's never met you), but hopefully you will read all this with an open mind.

1. There is a distinction between polyamory and open relationships. I bristle when people call polyamory "open relationships" because it implies a lack of structure, communication, and faithfulness (yes, you can be a faithful polyamorist!)

2. Relationships =/= Sex =/= Reproduction. You do not need to procreate in order to have meaningful (and even sexual) relationships. We are more than just eggs and sperm. And yes, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and transgender people all exist. Sex and gender are more than "simple" biology (as if biology were ever simple anyway!).

3. On loving, giving, and making time and energy for more than 1 partner: you do already know how to do it because you have more than one child. You didn't stop loving your first child when you had your second, did you? Would you be able to make room for a third in your heart? Don't you have more than 1 friend at a time?

4. You can't fix an existing relationship by turning your back and finding another partner, that's what turns people into serial monogamists, but all of the polyamorists I've ever known (and there have been quite a few) don't go hunting for a new partner when their current relationships are on the rocks. That's when you close yourself to new relationships and work on strengthening the ones you have. Yes, polyamory is complicated. Relationships are complicated, otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

5. Quite frankly, the idea that there is one and only one person out there for you is against biology. There are 10 billion miles of DNA in the human body. Every human being is distinct and unique, even identical twins. What are the odds that you will ever in your life encounter the one person whose combined DNA and life experiences make them a perfect complement to yourself? Why are we so hell bent on trying to force one person into a situation where they are solely responsible for all of our sexual and emotional needs?

6. Polyamory doesn't invalidate monogamy any more than homosexuality invalidates heterosexuality. The two can in fact coexist in the world, just as much as its possible for people to live happy fulfilled lives without a sexual/romantic relationship at all if that's how they're wired. Don't let your personal experience make you think that you have the only valid life experience in the world.

7. As far as being old-fashioned, don't let the post-victorian era fool you into thinking that alternative relationship styles, sexualities, and sexual freedom didn't exist in the past. They have existed throughout history, but modern history is mostly written by old, straight, white guys who aren't really that interested in things that don't directly benefit them, and have frequently been quite hostile to ideas and people they felt threatened by, as I'm sure you well know.

[allisonraymond]

Thank. You. For saying "this is what I get" and "this is what I don't". THANK YOU! This is how real, productive conversations happen!

[avenge]

Wow this is great! I'm 22 and a senior in college. I have been dating a girl for 2 1/2 years now and plan to marry her one day. People around me will joke about having a "side chick" and when I tell them I don't do that they then treat me like I'm some rare species of a human. It's nice to know I'm not alone on the monogamy boat because that's how I was raised and I agree that being in one relationship takes so much of my time already that I couldn't possible handle two or more. thanks for the video.

[leonardsmith]

I saw your follow-up video before this one. Seeing parts where some people may have a problem we tend to forget you are stating your point of view. You are only telling how you feel about it and not how others should. Reading a lot of the comments you started a discussion that expanded my knowledge and view of the subject; so thank you.

[ladynottingham]

"Men and women's sexuality are not the same" Finally someone with some ideas that are backed up by logic. You are my hero!

[ryn]

Mayim Bialik
I'm with you on the central premise that women shouldn't have to feel like they need to be sexual in the same way that men are, because we are different, but...

I feel like you unnecessarily judged people in open relationships and polyamorous relationships that do work. There are more scenarios to consider than just the stereotypical 'sleeping around cuz I can' situation. Not all people who are in open or polyamorous relationships do it for the same reasons or in the same way. Not all polyamorous people even have sex to begin with.

If you don't like people having unprotected sex with lots of people, then advocate for protected sex, don't tell them they shouldn't have sex with, or date, lots of people.
If you don't like it that women/girls are being manipulated into casual sex, then tell them to only have sex they really want. Tell them that manipulative bastards are not worth it, even if everyone else thinks they're hot. Tell them to pay attention to their own emotions, and that if they feel bad about having casual sex, then they shouldn't do it. Warn them about red flags for potentially abusive partners.
But don't just categorically reject any relationship that involves more than two people.

What about people who are in exclusive polyamorous relationships, the kind that includes 3 or 4 people who all love each other, and who don't sleep around or date around with people outside of that relationship?

What about people for whom polyamory is part of their sexual identity, who can't feel comfortable in monogamous relationships? A lot of them will tell you that they feel trapped in monogamous relationships, it feels wrong. Others will tell you they can't handle the pressure of being the sole responsible person for another person's well-being. They find thát too much to handle. They'd rather cooperate with multiple people so they wouldn't bear the full responsibility of "managing someone's needs and desires, paying them attention, holding them when they're sad and raising their kids" all by themselves. They'd rather have their kid grow up with 3 or 4 parents to look after them. To me that actually sounds more manageable than the standard two-parent setup.

And what about asexual polyamorous people who can't find an asexual partner? Quite a number of them practice polyamory in order to get the intimacy of being in a romantic relationship, without having to compromise their bodily integrity.

Not all people experience their sexualities in the same way. Just because the majority of the population functions better in monogamous relationships, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone. Just because you don't understand what it feels like to be a polyamorous person, doesn't mean it's wrong, or incomprehensible, or too difficult to manage. Please look at the reality of polyamory before declaring it infeasible.

Maybe I misinterpreted, but it feels very condescending when you tell women to 'lean in to their biology'. Women don't need people to tell them that being promiscuous isn't part of their nature and so they shouldn't do it. They don't need you to tell them what it is they actually want. You can't read their minds.

And please don't use evolution to police people's sexualities. Don't you see that that same argument can be used to tell gay people they're living their lives wrong because they're not perpetuating the species? And asexual people? Even worse. Didn't evolve right. Waste of space.

As an asexual who is considering polyamory as a way out of having to compromise my body in order to not die sad and alone, your words in this video sound condescending, moralizing, prejudiced and uninformed. I'm sorry. I respect you a lot, but this wasn't your best video.

[fugandhi]

I didn’t realize the concept of a relationship had become so trivialized. Can’t we all agree to simply strive for a good, healthy, and happy relationship? I think the message here was very well said and also a fascinating conversation anyhow (And also hilarious simultaneously). Excellent food for thought. I prefer the old-fashioned type of relationship myself and I’m happy about that. I’m liberated because I’m in a happy relationship with someone I genuinely care about and want to protect and nurture with love, kindness, and good times.😊😇

[TheHannah]

Hi Mayim! I rarely comment on videos, but I think my testimony could be interesting, as I am a polyamourous person.
Open relationships are not about fixing a failed relationship by seeing other people, it's not just about sex, and it's not a promiscuous situation where everybody's sleeping around. (Well it can be, but monogamous relationships can be shitty too, full of lies and miscommunication and cheating, sleeping around, etc.)
I've never met people as consent-focused, safe in their communication and their sex habits as in the polyamourous community of Paris (I'm French. No that's not a cliché ^^ polyamourous people are rare even in France). A good polyamourous relationship includes respect, care and love of all parties, complete honesty, constant self-work, as well growing together (just with more than one person), helping and supporting each other. Polyamourous relationships can create beautiful families, beautiful communities.
Being polyamourous is not about being greedy or wanting always more sex and distraction, or about running away from responsibilities and commitment. It is about accepting that your partner doesn't belong to you, and that possessivity is only a construct based on self-doubt, low self-esteem, and the overgrown egos that are so valorised in our society. You don't lose anything when your partner loves or makes love to another person. You are enriched by their enriched happiness, you often gain a friend in their new partner, and the diversity of relationships can only make everyone stronger.
The social construct that we let go of is not so much the one that men and women are the same (that's a different story). It's the one that says that owning and controlling your partner is essential to maintaining your honor. I think that's a useless and counterproductive way of seeing things. We should focus on giving, growing, creating together, not refraining and shaming people for their Of course, you can let go of this construct and still choose to be with one person! But once you've accepted that the relationship is free and flowing, evolving as its members evolve, you'll have room for much more change, conversations, and renegociation of its terms as time goes by.
As for the argument about limited time, focus, and energy. Well, you make time. It's like making time for one lover when you thought taking care of yourself was already a lot! And like making time for kids when you thought taking care of one lover was already a lot.
And for the argument about biology, I just think it's simply a bad argument. But that's been said in other comments. This argument is dangerous, and can be used against polyamourous people as well as gays, trans people, but also women scientists (women shouldn't be scientists, they were made to conceive and care for their kids), small people, disabled people, etc. If we gave in to our biology we would do a lot of horrible things, and forbid a lot of beautiful ones. Biology didn't tell us to make buildings and send stuff to space. We are able to question and bend the laws of our biology and that's what makes us human.
Please, next time document yourself before making broad statements. I find it odd you talk about open relationships as if you had answers to provide about it, even though you haven't experienced it, and don't seem to have talked with someone who has. Next time, come to the subject with a more open mind, maybe invite someone to talk with you, ask them questions, etc.

[alextate]

I feel the same way and I can't express how wonderful it is to hear someone else express it so clearly.

[priyankamurali]

I don't agree with open relationships for myself but its important for me and others to know about this. I don't want my daughter/son tomorrow to feel uncomfortable talking to me about this merely because I'm a possessive partner. May each soul, whatever they identify as, find happiness. Thank you for teaching me something new, Mayim!

[tonjes]

I mean, when it comes to the idea of being exhausted by multiple relationships and connections, I'd say....we are able to maintain relationships of all levels of intimacy with various people. It's why we have romantic relationships with partners, relationships with kids and family, relationships with friends. There's a sliding scale of what and how you share in all of those scenarios.

[Kahlee-B-Bear]

Australia? Multiple wives in Australia? Where? I live here and you never hear of that...

[jgal-kmds]

As a child of someone who has parents married and faithful for 60 years, I applaud this. I only wish I could have achieved something on the order of their relationship.

[fzfxfcf]

Agree 💯
I believe people who are into open relationships are people who haven't find that one person who rocks their world and who they inevitably fall in love with. I mean, when that happens you don't ever think about anybody else but your love. And if you ever do think about anybody else, if you get stronger feelings for that new person it means your initial love wasn't that strong. Or if it isn't comparable to your initial love it means you are with the right one and that's why this beautiful and commited relationship between two people exists

[jampyTV]

Best line eva.. "The Sex" :)

[ctrodney]

"primates are monogamous"

No they're not. Most aren't anything like monogamous (with something like polygamy being the most common.)

But a few species do what's called "pair bonding." They form monogamous style relationships, but without the strict monogamy that we add. That is, even species that practice pair bonding still have sex outside those pairs.

[nelaspurna]

Literally love your channel. I just feel like you are explaining my thoughts about the topic (opened relationships, sexualization of women in name of empowerment...)....which is why my friends and lots of people around often think I am old fahioned and prude (even though I'm 27). I am very happy someone like you has a similar outlook on this topics as I do :D

[ClydeDay]

My take on open relationships are like them saying "You will do for now", but I want to see other people. Then after they have played the feild they will find someone better than the other person, and leave them. I am in a closed, monogamous relationship, and we just celebrated our 11 year anniversary. My brother however is in a open relationship, and he has gone through a lot of partners because he stays with one until he finds another to be with.

[TaylorKaye]

Just love how honest you are! Thank you for sharing.

[noktelfa]

I have friends who are polyamorous. I am not. I have friends who are gay. I am not. I have friends who are straight. I am not. I have friends who are bi. I am not. I have friends who drink alcohol. I do not. I have friends who enjoy country music. I do not. I see people all around me who have different values, qualities, types of understanding than I have. I don't truly understand them, but I understand them distantly, like one might understand the Na'vi from Avatar from watching the movie, but not really understand them because they're fundamentally different. I can't judge people by my own standards, because I'm not "normal", but I try to judge them (more or less) by their own standards.