Recovering from an autistic meltdown

What's it like having a meltdown as a newly diagnosed autistic adult? Recovering from a meltdown comes with a lot of strange emotions and feelings that I am still processing several days after. I am trying to rest and be kind to myself but I wanted to get a video out this week, so I hope you find it interesting/illuminating/helpful/supportive/whatever.

If you're an #actuallyautistic adult, let me know in the comments below what your meltdowns are like, how often you have them, and how you recover.

[YoSamdySam]

Are you #actuallyautistic and do you have meltdowns? Let me know in the comments below what they're like.

[Jessie_Helms]

I never understood my meltdowns until I realized I’m autistic.
Uncontrollably sobbing, suicidal thoughts, and feeling half-marathon levels of exhaustion for a week and not feeling “normal” for 3 months is not just a simple “I didn’t want to go to work” (example of my last meltdown from November).

[TheRhiannonable]

I have recently self identified as autistic, and Samdy Sam has been instrumental in helping me recognise many of these expressions in myself. This meltdown video, as difficult as it must have been to experience, and then share - it redefines so much of what I have experienced that I am so very, very grateful for this. I had thought myself as being an angry person, full of pent up rage. This evolved into empty and seemingly emotionless, with episodes of freezing and blanking. To see this as an autistic expression gives me so much relief and opportunity for self care and acceptance.

Honestly, Samdy Sam, I love love LOVE your channel! Thankyou for being you!

[muppetjedisparklefeet]

I have ASD and my meltdowns frighten me. I’ve punched myself, slapped myself, hit myself against walls and floors. It’s horrible and makes me feel terrible and ashamed and really embarrassed. It’s always a combo of emotional and sensory overwhelm that triggers it. I’ve had some success taking myself to a mirror and telling myself to keep myself safe and focusing on my breathing and feeling the adrenaline run through me. When other people are around I just go hide. I have a lot of shame to work through around meltdowns, being 40 and still having them feels horrible.

[ithacacomments]

I usually am very calm and logical ...and not easily moved to a meltdown enough is enough.
A meltdown usually involves an injustice of some sort. I am a very black and white thinker....something is either right or wrong.
If I am used or abused eventually I will draw the line ....! If I see someone else used or abused....! Meltdown !

[ithacacomments]

My daughter is 45. In childhood she had "tantrums"...which I now know as meltdowns...until the age of 12. As an Aspie woman in adulthood she curses frequently. I was not educated about the autism spectrum when she was a child...I wish that I knew then what I know now.

[MrsNorry]

After watching a lot of videos from you and some other women diagnosed with autism as adults, I am convinced I am autistic, and this video describes exactly the "nervous breakdowns" I have had throughout my life, but never more frequently than since my son was born 18 months ago. I am 33 years old, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I've always been a little bit "weird, " but now I am determined to get an autism diagnosis, because watching your video tonight just hit me hard. I have experienced almost exactly what you just described. The destructive rage, the sobbing and shame afterward...and watching your other videos I recognize signs of autism throughout my life: obsessions, periods of selective mutism (where I thought I was just "shy"), moments where I ended up offending people because I failed to pick up on social cues, etc, etc. I'm sorry this is a rambling comment. It's 5:30 in the morning (my toddler wakes up early), I had a meltdown just last night, and I'm just so happy to start putting the pieces together of why I've felt so different my whole life. Thank you for sharing your experiences. They have helped me to make sense of things. Now if only I could get an official diagnosis. I hear it is difficult.

[paragoncumulus]

I wish more people understood how incredibly draining being a parent is when you don't get a break and the child won't sleep. I have had meltdowns like that. I've had to leave my house for fear I would harm the child. (He's totally fine and never been harmed btw). But the rage and frustration from not having a break and not getting sleep was powerful and frightening.

[muurrarium]

Love hearing the blackbird in the background, there are so few left after the usutu-virus struck. It reminded me- even after your meltdown (or anyone elses)- life goes on.

[emilavoie]

Wow, this was super relieving to watch! I got diagnosed last year (I'm 18 now), and I've been having melt downs like these my whole life (mostly as a child, and occasionally as a teen). I've always felt so, so incredibly guilty for getting this angry, I've felt like I'm secretly a really terrible, angry and mean person and I'm just lying to everyone that I'm not (imposter syndrome basically), I literally had NO idea that was connected to autism. It almost never happens anymore, but it is SO nice to hear that it's normal!! It makes me feel so much better about myself and who I am!

[Adventures_amazing_amanda]

I’m #actuallyautistic and I rarely have bad meltdowns. I was diagnosed at the age of two. I’ve learned different coping mechanisms and different things by trial and error so many people don’t even know I’m having them. I just had a really bad meltdown on Sunday during the evening and it was one of the worst ones I’ve had in a long time. I sat on the floor and I could barely move or talk. I was lucky enough to have my friend in her car and I was able to barely send her a text message to tell her I’m having a meltdown. She came inside the apartment and I told her to wake up my then roommate since he’s seen me have a meltdown before. I would say this one lasted about 20-30 minutes and it was just so awful. I knew my then roommate was sitting beside me but all I could see was his big nose ( we all had a small chuckle at that one 😂) What seemed to help me the most was having them just sit there next to me and have conversations with me (even though I wouldn’t respond at times or had delayed responses.) After it was over my then roommate got me a small glass of water and I walked around the room a little bit to recover from the meltdown and I felt so exhausted afterwards.

I hope I never have a bad one like that again. This meltdown was mainly caused by sensory overload and I think it was building up for a little while. I also had one a few days prior but it was a much smaller one. On days like those it makes me wish that I wasn’t on the spectrum and that I could be “normal” like everyone else.

Some things I have started doing recently I have found helpful is journaling. I know it sounds silly but I’ve found it quite helpful. I mainly use it to write down what has happened in the day and how I’m feeling so I don’t dwell on it for the entire day. Almost cathartic in a way. Listening to music and taking some deep breaths help as well. I also have a ball bearing that I use to stim with (also my hands when I don’t have my ball bearing.)

I hope you have found those things helpful and I promise that things will get better. Everyone on the spectrum is different and you have to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.

Autism is a messy, complicated, confusing, and oftentimes stressful disorder to live. Just know that you don’t have to do it alone! Reach out to people who are on the spectrum! We all know what you’re going through in one capacity or another. Shoot me a message if you want too!

I hope this advice helps and I thank you for making this video. I understand how hard this was/is to be vulnerable on this subject. I hope you have a great day and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! 😊

[learningandgrowing]

I thought this was just a standard feeling for being a mom? I was told by a family member a few years ago they thought I might have asperger's, at first I scoffed, but I'm now looking to find a doctor that could give me more insight.

After watching your videos and seeing the struggles you deal with, I feel shocked to know that there are other women in the world that have the same feelings and issues that I have experienced my whole life. Its really bizarre to not feel so "other".

Thank you for sharing your story.

[agrotta]

Thank you so much 😭 No freaking other autistic woman youtuber has explained what a freaking meltdown IS! I have been having those as you described, my entire Life 😭 Now I know what actually is! Thank you for not talking around your subjects and never getting to describing what they actually are.
I was also recently diagnosed with autism level 1 by a psychologist. The tests she gave me were for the stereotypical autistic male, which I failed, but she still diagnosed me and said she didn't know what else to diagnose me with other than that, and my previous Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis. I definitely do have SPD, but mine is more in regards to taste, texture, and certain sounds. I grew up in a large NOISY family, and was spanked almost daily for not being able to tolerate said noisy, obnoxious siblings. I don't know if i was desensitized to that type of noise because it doesn't bother me. What does cause meltdowns are dogs barking in my neighborhood and neighbor noise (loud music) I can't escape when i am in my home. I seriously will call the police at 1 am if I hear that bs.

[DebNKY]

Thank you for this. Yes, I have meltdowns! My most recent was when my very sweet cousin thoughtfully dropped by to see me and bring me sweet tea from McDonald's. He doesn't understand how badly interruptions can derail me. I went to the door, slightly irritated, but thinking, he won't be here long, Deb, and you actually are happy to see him, extra so with that sweet tea. So as I was adjusting my attitude, I accidentally and clumsily locked my front door behind me, thereby locking myself out of the house. I've just moved, and the spares keys I'd so carefully had cut were in the house in my purse, because I'd neglected to give him one yet. And it was raining. And I was in my socks. I had one chance for salvation: Walk around the house and try the backdoor. Surely my OCD self just might have failed in locking the backdoor, although my instinct told me what I was about to discover, wet socks and all. The backdoor was locked too. It was almost 5:00, and my landlord's phone number was on my phone ... locked in the house. I was going to have to break a window to get in. ARGH! So I hollered standing on my back porch and slid down the wall, and simply sat myself down, before I could muck up anything else. Luckily my cousin is brilliant. He found an open window. But he'd heard my howl of despair and frustration. And he took it to heart. Ouch.

[jaydenadamski]

I know I'm 2 years late, but I'm binging some of your videos as I await my diagnosis, and I really feel for you. I have had many meltdowns throughout my life, but mostly managed to hide them. The last few years in particular have been extra difficult, and I've punched pillows, screamed and yelled, smacked/punched walls, and literally screamed into a pillow so hard I had a coughing fit until I cried. Fun stuff... Embarrassingly enough, I've hit myself during those times too, because I felt like if I did that it would make me stop for some reason.

I can't imagine caring for a child while dealing with these intense emotions, and I have so much respect for you - you're like Superwoman and I know that's cliche, but I'm not even joking.
Anyway, your videos give me hope, and remind me that I'm not alone and I can't thank you enough

[indigodragon]

I may be in the minority, but the bird actually provides a grounding sound. I’m very sensitive to audio input, but music I like and nature sounds are grounding to me.

I used to have very bad meltdowns. I’d howl like a wolf in the middle of the night, preventing the family from sleeping, I’d slam cupboards, stomp my feet, rock my head against the couch, and at one point ended up stabbing our ugly green couch (lowkey don’t regret that cuz we got rid of it after that). But yeah, I ended up traumatizing my younger siblings.

I’ve gotten a lot better at controlling myself, but there are still times when I explode. It’s a short explosion though. Literally the smallest thing can trigger it when I’m ready to explode, and yeah I yell, curse, and my family doesn’t help. My grandfather is bipolar and is going senile. He’s very confrontational, and his aggression often triggers me, so I’ll end up literally face to face with him challenging him to hit me :/

Luckily he hasn’t done that... yet. But yeah my meltdowns are generally more vocal and body language based. After my initial explosion, I’ll maybe cry for a bit, but then I just close myself off again and things go back to normal. I try to talk to my twitter moots often to vent what I can, but yeah :/ my family has so many issues of their own that this environment is just so toxic.

[Eb-yiwj]

Hey, I'm a 17yr old girl who is not #actuallyautistic. But I do think I might be, as do two psychologists I've seen (my current psych even refers to neurotypicals as though am I not a neurotypical, which is very confusing). I'm also really struggling with this constant conflict in my head over whether or not I am indeed autistic and I really relate with how you were saying you feel a bit like a fraud and like you're making things up. Anyway, I spend a lot of time researching and watching youtube videos about autism because I can relate to it and it makes me feel a lot less alone.
Your experience that you were describing really resonates with me and I know myself that I have had many meltdowns similar to yours. Unfortunately I have often ended up punching holes in our walls and hurting myself. It is deeply embarrassing when I do have a meltdown in such a violent and destructive way. Obviously I don't do it on purpose and I am always quite shocked and angry at myself that I can become incredibly angry/sad/scared/anxious (I'm not really sure even what it is that I'm feeling when it happens) within like 10 seconds. Luckily though I can usually run and lock myself in my wardrobe, turn the lights off, lay down, close my eyes, block my ears and cry. The recovery afterwards is just really exhausting and sorta heartbreaking. Like it hurts somewhere where I can't find and I don't know why it hurts.

[kscheel]

You have no idea how helpful this and all of your videos have been for me. I am a mom of a now twenty year old daughter who diagnosed herself at age 13 while watching a television series. Then received a medical diagnosis. I have had a difficult time parenting her her whole life. Things got a bit easier after I understood why she was doing the things that she was. Now at 20 she is really struggling to "adult". She has what I thought bouts of depression but now realize that they are recovery from meltdowns- GAME CHANGER! I feel as though I am getting a peak into her head and heart while I am listening to you. Your honesty and clarification is so appreciated. You mentioned something at 8:54 about food being your trigger in the past, what did you mean by that? My daughter had horrible food issues, won't eat certain foods unless they are made a very specific way, same brand of ingredients, etc. Can you explain a little more about triggers and maybe what we can do to help her with them?

[chesterpoindexter]

Hugo here, aged 34 - I've not had an official diagnosis (still debating that one) although I have known with great certainty for a few years now that I'm on the Autism Spectrum. I live in the states, in the south where understanding of autism spectrum is very lacking, especially from medical professionals. I'm high functioning, an' as you might guess, most people give me the whole "oh, well, you look normal to me", which of course is besides the point. I have a wider range of hearing an' I'm also generally hypersensitive to light an' sound - meltdowns happen with me... more often than I'd like; it's usually at minimum two meltdowns per month, though not always terrible, but they happen; I experience sensory overload on a daily basis; I also deal with having c-PTSD, an' in that regard, it makes the likelihood of a meltdown that much greater. Every day when I come home from work, or sometimes just runnin' an errand, I have this almost an' sometimes just flat out desperate need to scream into a pillow, smash my fists against the walls or even my own head, which I have done. It takes me about a week to recover; it's exhausting, an' even depressing, which doesn't help. I do take a herbal remedy to aid the recovery, but the most potent and effective ingredient is Silence, sleep; lots of quiet; hugs help, too.

[BethDensmore]

Thank you. Recovering from one right now and it devastates me every time- I feel so broken and embarrassed and hopeless when it happens. It helps so much to know others are struggling with this. Thank you