111: Understanding Rejection Sensitivity

“We all have blind spots. We all have pitfalls and life terms. Part of the therapy process is about gaining insight and awareness of what those traps and what those lenses are and seeing that this is a recurrent theme that happens for you in your life.” (24:49)



Introduction:

Some people look like they truly have it all. Great job, great family, and the drive to keep moving toward success.

Oftentimes, in those who look like they have it all together, they are actually coping with a personality trait called rejection sensitivity. On the surface, rejection sensitivity looks like intrinsic motivation and perfectionism. The deeper you go, rejection sensitivity looks like isolation, anxiety, and intensity.

In this episode, I talk with Dr. Jared DeFife about rejection sensitivity. Together, we talk about where this personality trait originates, what it looks like, and how people can work with rejection sensitivity rather than allowing it to have control over every action and relationships. Jared also shares insight into the role that rejection sensitivity plays in his own life, and why blending insight and awareness of this trait is essential to learning to thrive professionally and interpersonally.

Take a listen to learn about how to turn rejection sensitivity into a superpower-like trait and improve the lens through which you see the world along the way.

About Dr. Jared DeFife:

Dr. Jared DeFife is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He’s also an adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Psychology and Behavioral Science at the Emory University School of Medicine. Jared is passionate about helping “intense” people integrate interpersonal and personality-focused therapies drawing from schema-focused and mentalization-based therapies into their lives.

Some Questions I Ask:

What is rejection sensitivity? (3:34) How does rejection sensitivity show up in a personality? (7:35) How can someone determine if they have rejection sensitivity? (19:47) How can someone work with rejection sensitivity rather than let it take over their lives? (23:06) How can people learn more about this trait? (35:37) In This Episode, You Will Learn:

How people develop rejection sensitivity. (5:16) Why high rejection sensitivity often gets mislabeled as narcissism. (13:43) How rejection sensitivity differs from high sensitivity. (22:30) How schema therapy approaches taking action on high rejection sensitivity. (28:44) How rejection sensitivity exposes various modes within the personality. (31:00) Resources:

Rejection Sensitivity Questionnaire

Don’t Take it Personally! by Elayne Savage

Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young

Brené Brown

Jared’s Website

[moonmissy]

The problem with people with rejection sensitivity is that they find it hard to stay in therapy because anything can be taken as rejection. Once that schema is activated, they devalue the therapist and leave.

[aquamarine]

This was amazing and so validating. A big revelation for me, thank you!

[Turbo_Tina]

Great podcast as usual. Hearing that other therapists have struggled with this issue as well is validating and gives me hope that I can overcome this too. Thanks.

[mindheartsoul]

I've listened to one other podcast by this therapist so far. I'm very much a believer in the value of therapy although good therapy is very difficult to come by, a main reason being the existence of something called a False Memory Foundation which threatens legal action and the loss of a hard won "LICENSE" to "PRACTICE" if a therapist identifies hardcore sexual or ritual abuse in the childhood experience of their client. Therapists are at risk of being blamed of implanting those memories therefore the client is not allowed to remember or recover that knowledge without jeopardizing the career of their therapist.
Anyway I'm going to place my comment here in the hopes that it will be visible, allowed.
Childhood emotional neglect is quite real and the screen (as in television screen computer screen, phone screen culture) is a big part of the phenomenon. People do not participate in family activities and there is no active involvement in the children's lives other than driving them to and from activities, putting food on the table, tucking them into bed and returning to one's own singular interests. Most of these parents are products of childhoods of emotional neglect themselves... ( multi-generational now) as well as having been indoctrinated with the idea that Parenthood is little more than a biological activity temporarily keeping us out of the workforce and productive lives.
So the soft voice psychology podcasts keep the emphasis on the victim mentality, we remain helpless children in our lives at the mercy of all powerful adults we have no hope of becoming, so somebody, perhaps the state better step in and make things right.
There is a big picture here as well as the supposedly caring focus on the neglected child. There is social engineering, active social engineering at work to break down the family, which simultaneously takes away a support structure from everyone within a family who now reside together largely for convenience and economic short-term necessity.
Everyone's uncertain What Love Is and responsibility is a bad word, getting in the way of unhinged "freedom".
If you are a person seeking emotional help, read the writings of M Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled", as well as his book, "People of the LIE, the hope for healing Human Evil". Nathaniel Branden was good but M Scott Peck has the most coherent insightful powerful good parent loving energy that provides actual Direction and guideposts for maturing oneself into
A genuine adult and understanding why these efforts to mature are essential to self esteem and productivity and happiness. A person in the process of becoming with an idea of how to make it happen. We really do live in times when we are going to have to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, because Parenthood has been all but destroyed and we have to resurrect it and make sure it never gets lost again. Parenthood has to be regarded as the important activity it is, incorporating all of the values of using examples of self-control and patience and kindness and love and discipline being maintaining a structure that allows a child to thrive and be nourished and confident that they are loved as they develop the ability to strive for greater achievements with increasing maturity. I am a Christian but I completely reject spanking or hitting children because by and large it is child abuse with rare exceptions. an adult who has good self control and respect their child's dependence upon them will provide their child with tools to develop self-control that do not require physically hurting a child. Reliance on physical punishment is excusing child abuse in oneself. I seriously distrust the source of that oft-quoted Bible statement that condones hitting children, however in any case I would never allow a school or an institution to put their hands on my child in any way, or anyone else's children if I could intervene.

[KK-giwt]

I isolate completely because of fifty years of being made fun of as a child and discarded as an adult.

[MyChannel-hdwd]

It is 100 % not something you are born with....

[jansoyster]

It is very hard to listen to this video for me, a person with RSD. I struggled with the concepts since the host laughed so much throughout and I sometimes even had difficulty hearing what the interviewee was saying while the host was merrily laughing along. While that was happening, the need for a warm empathetic approach to this painful problem was not being respected. I understand that perhaps the host did not realize the perception that was coming through was that RSP is not a serious condition and I felt it was being trivialized. Please become aware that your affect also gives a message to the vulnerable listener. I assume that is what you intend to portray.

[edwinputman]

If you were truly embarrassed to mention Yale you wouldn’t have. That info is completely irrelevant to this talk. Maybe you are not the right person to learn from. Anyway, I stopped listening. Repulsed. When you learn to use the word ‘I’ less maybe you will find that you’re able to say more.