'You WON'T see this coming'- The Signs That A Narcissist Is Trying To Trap You | Dr. Ramani

On Today's Episode:

It’s hard enough to leave a bad relationship when you’re not seeing eye to eye or you find out you value different things or your partner has cheated on you. It’s even harder leaving when you’re not sure if you’re the problem and you’re questioning if you’re being dramatic and people around you don’t think you should.

Learning how to handle a narcissistic relationship is not only possible, it’s a must if you feel like you can’t leave that relationship at this time for any number of reasons.

Dr. Ramani, clinical psychologist, and narcissist expert, points out that in narcissistic relationships everyday isn’t a bad day and that can make it really hard for people in relationship with them to realize they are trapped and even harder to feel validated in leaving.

Part of the reason it’s so difficult to thrive in a narcissistic relationship is because there is a splitting of your identity in a way that Dr Ramani describes as “you getting rid of yourself” in exchange for whatever peace you can have. You learn over time how to not anger your partner. You realize that anything good for you sets your partner off and causes arguments and the gaslighting begins to make you believe it’s all your fault.

This episode is for the woman that needs hope and a strategy to survive the narcissistic abuse and thrive even if you have to stay a while longer.

Your reason to stay or leave is not for anyone’s approval or disapproval
You can get your strength and validation elsewhere
You can become narcissist resistant and keep your identity

Reasons for staying are not to be shamed, your reasons to stay may be valid, but know with eyes wide open why you’re staying and how to navigate the turmoil to come out of this okay.

QUOTES:

“The vast majority of narcissistic relationships are not violent and it’s important to make that distinction.”

“The thing to remember that is unique to narcissistic abuse is that everyday isn’t bad.”

“The mistake people make, [...] is they come in and they be themselves. Well if your “self” is at odds with what the narcissist wants, they’re going to shut that down.”

“This idea of the narcissistic person as a simple one dimensional cartoon villain is just not real.”

“Part of radical acceptance is being okay with them being set off.”

“I don’t think we talk enough about how difficult parenting is, and instead we criticize parents all the time or we give them the absolutely most ridiculous advice in the world.”

“When you show me something bad that you can do to me, you’ve now shown me what’s in your behavioral repertoire, and the only absolute in psychology is that past behavior predicts future behavior.”

“I really am sorry they have a bad backstory. I hope to heaven they are able to get the help that they need, and what they’re doing to this other person is unacceptable and their backstory is not an excuse. In this moment they are harming someone else, their backstory doesn’t matter.”

“You can be empathic and set a boundary, you can be empathic and protect yourself. You can say, ‘they’ve had a rough life AND their behavior is unacceptable’.”

Follow Dr. Ramani:

[LisaBilyeu]

WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!

[milliondollarlex]

Being with a narcissist is like doing the time for a crime you did not commit.

[LettersfromLou]

The sad thing is I truly believe these toxic relationships actually cause chronic illness or exacerbate existing ones. They really do take their toll on a person after years of this kind of chronic narcissistic abuse 😢.

[perfectpeace]

“In a narcissistic relationship you are not allowed to be yourself.” This statement is accurate. Narcissists want you to be a silent mute with no thoughts, opinions, or emotions.
They love to invalidate you and when you seek help or understanding for this disorder they criticize you.

[sarahkoren]

OK. Here is my story:
I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents. My mother died when I was 14.
My father is a Malignant, abusive narcissist, who married, less than a year after my Mom's death, a nasty Covert Narcissist that egged him on in his verbal and physical abuse of me, and my sister.
I had been the cook, housekeeper, and caretaker of my siblings, from the age of 5, because my Mom was handicapped, and I was the oldest.
This continued when my father remarried.
My father, even though he had been promoted to Full Professor, when he passed his doctorate, on my Mom's death, so suddenly had a large salary, never paid for me or my siblings' education or weddings.
Besides physical abuse he constantly devalued us and gaslighted us.
I started University at age 18, where I had gotten scholarships for my grades and grants that I applied for. I also had saved money from working in summers during High School.
In the summer before my Sophomore year in Nursing School at the University, I realized that I could not maintain the necessary high grade average continuing as the housekeeper, cook, and bottle washer in their house.
My father had sat me down with a fake budget to gaslight me into thinking that I would never be able to support myself, not living in his house.
Thankfully I listened to a college friend who showed me that it would be difficult, but possible.
So, at age 19, I left that house, with continuing guilt about my 3 remaining siblings, got a full time job at a local hospital, and moved into a rented studio apt., with that friend.
We rotated every month, who had the bed, and who had the sofa.
My father would call me, and constantly tell me that I would never make it in Nursing. That I was too sensitive, etc. Also that no man would want me, because my body wasn't sexy enough, and I have a below average IQ.
On my graduation from the University, 5 years instead of 4, in the Honors Society, with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing.
He came up to me, in his Doctoral Robes, and said, "Don't think that you have accomplished anything! Your Stepsister's First Aid certificate, now that is an accomplishment!'
I am currently retired, after 43 years in Nursing, 32 years of which I was a Critical Care Nurse Specialist, and charge of the Cardiac Arrest team. Then I made the change, because of Health reasons, to be a Neonatal Nurse, with a Post Graduate Degree as a Lactation Consultant for the subsequent 11 years.
I immigrated to Israel, 35 years ago. Learned Hebrew, succeeded even more in my profession. Bought a home, sold it after I finished the 28 year mortgage, and am currently living in my dream Condo.
True, I am divorced without the very much wanted children. I tried everything in my power to have children.
But I have many friends who love me, and support me.
It took me until age 34 to go no contact with my father, and only just recently went no contact with my narcissistic sister. I am in contact with my little sister.
I am still healing, at age 66, but it is a process.
I am proud when I look back, and see how far I've come😊

[jules.b]

My dear friend married a narcissist and i watched her spirit being eradicated day after day over four years. The times she’s cried over him is immeasurable. She lost who she was, this is what the narcissist does. He built her up & knocked her down day in & day out. He alienated her from her friends & family but I wouldn’t let him do that with me. I’ve listened to her & tried to help her understand what was going on without interfering in her marriage. She finally decided she’d had enough when he went on holiday by himself, &she very nervously took the opportunity to change the locks and end the relationship. He tried to screw her over in the divorce court but the judge saw through him. He totally lost control over my friend & that’s what hurt him the most. She is now struggling & working hard to keep afloat but she’s HAPPY. She’s back to the lovely stable person she was before. And she’s thanked me endlessly for standing by her & supporting her. So people, you CAN leave the narcissist. just believe in yourself. 🥰

[CrazyEightyEights]

"Someone who loves you would never abuse you."

It is more than two years since I've gone no contact with my dysfunctional family. Sometimes, I am lonely (and I do miss my nieces and nephews), but the lack of drama is refreshing. The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. Nurture yourself and thrive. People who are happy with their lives make better life choices. 2024 update: nearly 4 years no contact, and I am happier and more at peace with myself. I still have work to do, trauma to process, and a better life than I'd ever hoped for to live.

Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.

[josephchirco]

It’s not about “Not setting them off”
It’s about that they’re totally unpredictable and that makes it HELL !

[LejlaEnigma-oymj]

I grow up with a narcissistic mother, the pain the crying she put me through is something I can’t forget ..after growing up I met a Narcissistic partner ..it’s something I don’t wish for no one to pass through ..I didn’t had no one to speak to, to help me ..but the videos I was watching on YouTube ..I’m on my healing journey but the memories just come up

[athenafarrell]

Always secretly love yourself more, like a hidden stone they could never unturn and see.

[ryanfowler]

“The fights and arguing happen less often and you think, ‘I’m doing the right thing!’ But what you really did was get rid of true

[ursalaoutrageous]

What you said about losing your own identity is so true. I was married for thirty years to a narcissist who showed never-ending contempt for everything I said and did. Even my own kids, hearing this going on, saw me as defective and were also abusive as teens. I left him after he persisted in adultery and moved to my deceased parents’ home. I remember thinking I could redecorate and coming to the realization that I had forgotten my own tastes, my own opinions, my own likes and dislikes. Over the last twenty years I have rediscovered the real me and it’s been a joy.

[angel]

This breaks my heart and gives me chills... when the narcissist gets their claws in you, you do start to question who you are, they get in your head and make you feel like something is wrong with you.

[lori]

EVERY therapist should be required to watch this episode before practicing and before being licensed.

[melissagere]

That's true. When no one is around that's when a narcissistic individual goes from 1 to 100. Split personality and saying disrespectful things. Once you call them out on the disrespect they dismiss you instead of apologizing.

[maddigotthatchalk]

I have never felt so heard and validated in my life. A Narcissistic’s favorite place to start a fight is definitely in the car because you are literally stuck with their presence in a moving vehicle. It’s sickening to know how I can look back and know that is where almost all of them started.

[Subspace._tripmine]

People tell me that I should go back to my family, and they say "Blood is Thicker than water!" I say, "You're right! It is! The mess is harder to clean up!"

[sylviealexandris]

It’s refreshing to hear a therapist say if you stay know why you’re staying instead of you have to leave.

[unravelwithanne]

A 3years old throwing a tantrum and an adult male raging and throwing a tantrum are two completely different experiences. a child's tantrum stresses you out and passes on within the hour. An adult's rage rattles you and it seethes for weeks. The tension remains for weeks and the energy in the house changes until you give in to their demands and pacify them. The experience of constant rage is life-altering even your nervous system feels it long after you've escaped the toxic relationship.

[tbala]

OMG!!! The favorite place of a narcissist to rage is in a car. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years - it got progressively worse and YES YES YES raging in the car was an ongoing ocurrance. I can't even count the hundreds maybe thousands of car rages I tolerated. I finally got out. Now is month 8 after break up, and my life is 1000 percent better, calmer, real friendships developing, spiritual growth, supportive community, revisiting old passions which I had given up. It was hell going through the breakup but I'm eternally grateful that I finally said ENOUGH and left.