Autism and Going Non-Verbal

What does it feel like to go non-verbal? What makes it feel worse? What helps?

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[PatronSaintPatTate]

Went out for a work friends birthday last night. Didn't want to leave home at first . Thought I better go to try and build friendships. Got there and went non verbal within about 5 minutes. People kept asking . Oh your quiet. I felt really awkward. We moved from pub to nightclub and it was even worse. Flashing lights, loud music. Didn't talk for long time just thinking I want to leave. Then I made way to the exit, didn't say anything and found my way home.
I have now pledged I'm never doing these social events again. It always happens to me I just find it so hard to gel and be social. I want friends but just no good at communicating. Genuinely makes me feel so sad and lonely. Crying in my shed as we write this.
Grown man, 32 years old

[ElaineWalker]

I almost never feel like talking. It’s realllly hard to squeeze it out. I have to think of the phrasing ahead of time, the speak clearly so I can be heard, the PRAY THEY DONT ASK ME TO REPEAT MYSELF. Sometimes I just cannot talk. I’ve explained to my mom that if I answer like “mmm mmm mmmm m mmm“ (and hope she understands what I mean), it means I can’t physically talk.

[arrowtyrant.]

I suppose this relates.

I have times where I’m exhausted from speaking out loud. It takes so much energy.
Which means I’ll occasionally have these segments of time, more noticeable when at work, where I just stop using my voice and communicate with hand gestures instead.

But right now I’m just lucky to have coworkers that mostly seem to understand that it’s okay when I randomly stop talking and have low energy for an amount of time.

[KatjaTheAutiArtist]

I didn't understand why this was happening to me. And it would lead to meltdowns and shutdowns. Usually I notice it happens when I really want to explain what I am feeling or thinking and I can't find the words or I have had experiences trying to explain that came to bad ends. It is frustrating when I feel like I am speaking an alien language and no one understands me- this leads to meltdown easily. Non-verbal situations can then follow. I didn't really know what was happening but because of content like this it is helping me find the words. Thanks Thomas.

[vik]

Going non verbal has happened at various points in my life, including an excruciating job interview in 3 parts. In the final part, I sat on my hands looking at the wall, whilst the interviewer made comments like, "These are not trick questions. Could you just give me an answer please!" I had a migraine the night before and so started it feeling dire. On reflection, I should never have gone. Strangely enough, I did not get the job! Going non verbal now is complicated by having a functional speech disorder (part of Functional Neurological Disorder) after a prolonged period of burnout. I was interested to find out that a good number of people referred to clinical psychologists for functional disorders are actually then referred on for autism assessment as a result. Really enjoyed this one, Thomas. Thanks!

[AngDevigne]

My husband didn't know he was autistic until about a year ago. Up until I realized he was going non-verbal, I would get triggered - in the proper use of the term - when he wouldn't answer me or answer with one or two words because I thought he was purposely giving me the silent treatment. I thought he was being abusive towards me, so I would get triggered and fly off the handle in self defense. It has caused so much hurt in our relationship, and I'm so glad we know about non-verbal states now because of people like you sharing their stories on the internet. The work you do is so important.

Now, if I start to get triggered I can catch it before it overtakes me and realize he needs help.

Any advice for re-regulating, calming down or feeling safer during a non-verbal episode?

[burralpine]

I really needed this video. I'm still currently trying to get a professional diagnosis, so I've been trying to learn as much as I can in the mean time. I grew up as just a weird kid, and every doctor(not a specialist) I was taken to, told my mom and dad that it's very unlikely that I have Autism. Looking back at it now with what I've learned, I can see that I was clearly not a standard kid. I've always been off in a way. Now, along the topic of nonverbal, I grew up being forced to talk. I'd meow and bark instead of talking most of the time, and I'd get upset when people would tell me to "Use my words". This lead to masking a lot about me, including my nonverbal episodes. I've always thought something was wrong with me when I just couldn't get the words out, and when I did, everyone said I was unbelievably mean. Knowing what this probably is, is really helpful. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone.

[RobinPrince]

Verbal shutdown (people that are autistic that can speak but stop due to stress or overwhelm or overstimulation) non verbal they don’t speak but can communicate in other ways.

[EllaChinois]

When I was going through a university programme many years ago, I went through episodes of being nonverbal when I was required to say something in class. Class presentation for an assignment was my worst nightmare. I used to blame it on my anxiety. Now I got my ASD diagnosis. And blaming myself for being nonverbal once in a while is going to make me feel worse. I am learning to be much kinder to myself.

[raymoonlight]

Very fascinating cause I almost always go silent and dubbed this as listening mode when there are 3 or more people including me. Felt like a rock stuck in my throat accompanied by the thought "everyone finds what you say boring. No one cares for what you have to say so shut up." If prompted at, i would have to force myself to speak otherwise it just seemed rude. Never considered the possibility of these being non-speaking episodes. Sometimes this has even lead into mini meltdowns over group call situations where i just mute myself cause I couldn't talk... easier to meltdown when not in front of people... also after arguments, I've had moments where I'm perceived to be giving people the silent treatment. They take it personally and don't talk to me either...

[singwithelaine]

I been struggling this problem all my life and only just found out it is because I am autistic. I’m 28 now… wish I found out earlier. I wondered why I couldn’t speak more than a few words to people in person but I am only able to communicate well when I am writing. When I worked as a chef, it was really hard to confront and it happen to me many times when they want me to take on more work than I could. My brain goes complete shut down and I couldn’t even say one word and my eyes start to cry. I get choked up. If you ask me how I got these jobs, it’s only because I show them my portfolio, not through speaking.

I haven’t been working for a while now and been isolating myself. The catering/hospitality industry has a lot of bullies my mental health is damaged greatly.

I started college yesterday to find a new career, first day and went on a school trip that was built to get to know new people. I was so nervous and I didn’t feel comfortable sitting on the bus with someone for a hour and half in silence. I used all my social juice I had in my body to try talking. I could only as simple questions because these people are 16-17 year olds and don’t have much experience like I do in life. I feel horrible when I think back what I ask, I know I might have ask questions that are quite personal maybe without realising because I’m trying to keep the conversation going. Anxiety or true? I think both always…

[ProsceniumAdelaide]

This is really helpful.
I recently had an exteamly traumatic experience that amped up my non verbal moments and now it's impossible to force the words out when I'm in non verbal mode.. I've been frightened and isolated with people getting angrier and non understanding and ..taking it personally..
I don't want people near me unless thst are my close friends who know not to take it personally.

[TheMothaDuckingHamMan]

I barely spoke in school, the final year of the degree I hardly spoke and found myself in a lot less distress as I didn't analyse my verbal performance, I got an award for my excellence in research as I can communicate very well in the context of research papers. However, because my default setting is to end a conversation as fast as possible I can't be hired, or my verbal communication comes across as fragmented and nonsensical - any progression with my verbal communication can reset back to default in an instant, and efforts to change seem futile. The only relationship (of any kind) I can have requires so much compromise on the other's behalf that I don't blame them for not engaging in the pseudo-relationship I offer.

[saries]

I just had an experience going non-verbal this morning! I'm actually a flight attendant and for the most part get on just swell with the communication aspect of my job. Though, I'm often non-verbal leading up to boarding the plane and on the shuttle to the hotel. But, this was a social outing, where I agreed ahead of time to get coffee with two of my crew/friends. And I just couldn't communicate for whatever reason. I was definitely overstimulated (we're in Hoboken and it's a Saturday and lots of people are out on the streets). And then my friend put his arms around me and I had an adverse reaction/recoil, but couldn't get out more than a grunt.

I had another situation recently when visiting Prague with a friend-- I just shut down and couldn't communicate. I could tell too that she was concerned or thought I was upset with her (I've had bad experiences with friends before who have taken my shutdowns personally). But, what's fascinating to me is that I was able to write her a text message explaining what I was experiencing. I let her know it had nothing to do with her and I'd recoup in my own time, but I just needed to be left alone until I was able to engage with the world again and that I appreciate any concern she might have, but if she tries to help it makes it worse. It's so hard when people step in with questions and concerns and now I'm trying to process those questions or feel pressured to explain myself when I can't even talk to begin with!

Anyway, good luck to everyone else. And thanks for this video, always nice to know other's are experiencing similar stuff, even if it manifests differently for everyone.

[AceAspie..]

Going nonverbal tends to happen when I’m in an extremely stressful situation, especially (in the past) when I was in the middle of an argument or confrontation. The particular individual with whom I was in conflict with would likely describe it (as far as I can surmise, since we no longer are in contact or under the same roof) as I am not “there.” If forced to speak (when encouraged to “use my words” while she wondered “what was wrong with me”), very little came out. Thankfully, these stressful moments don’t happen as often as they used to, as I am living in a much better and less chaotic environment.

[louiseyoung]

I never realized my non verbal moments could be autism. I was told it was my CPTSD. Not so sure now.

[intorpere]

Non verbal learning disorder is a lot more severe than not wanting to talk or even not being able to talk. The linguistic part of the brain doesn't come online and they can't even think verbally. Their cognitive development and capacity for abstract thought is severely impaired. This is not part of the spectrum. Some of us aren't "a little" non verbal. It's a comorbidity that people mistake for a kind of autism.

[truhartwood]

When I go non-verbal I can barely think in words at all. But when I get a keyboard in front of me I can type. I explain that it's like when you don't know a phone number, or the notes of a song, but if someone hands you a phone or a piano you can use muscle memory to type the phone number or play the song. I go non-verbal with stressful situations that use up all my spoons. Sometimes it can be a bunch of small things, or a long period (days) in a minorly taxing situation. It's rarely one, single, significant thing, although I did go non-verbal after my root canal.

[Not_alien_editS]

I am just looking back on a recent (a couple hours) time where I was really exhausted and overstimulated after a day of school and than an extracurricular activity. My sister was driving me home and I was sitting there with my eyes closed to calm myself down and there was music playing. I usually LOVE singing or humming along to music but even humming felt like so much exertion. It was extremely weird but I think I’ve experienced this before but always assumed that it was me just being tired.

[TheStimkyLynx]

I really wish I could add something more constructive than just painting a picture with words again but personally it always feels like me standing behind a thick glass pane, yelling and banging up against it fruitlessly while everyone is standing on the other side- none the wiser