3 Ways to Avoid Getting Sucked Back Into a Toxic Experience or Relationship - Terri Cole

Do you minimize your negative past experiences?

Or do you have selective memory, where you only remember the good from a painful relationship or time in your life? Almost like hyper-positivity with past experiences?

Do you feel tempted to return to these toxic relationships or experiences?

If you’re nodding your head, you are not alone. I see this in many of my therapy clients, and I figured if it is happening with them, maybe you are experiencing this, too.

In this episode, I am talking about euphoric recall – what it is, why it is dangerous, and how to protect yourself from falling back into old, toxic patterns or relationships.

*Time Stamps*
0:00 - Introduction
2:11 - What is euphoric recall?
4:02 - Euphoric recall in toxic relationships
6:55 - Why euphoric recall is dangerous
9:00 - Euphoric recall is based on a false narrative
10:13 - Play the tape forward
13:01 - Make an "ick" list (tip from Doctor Ramani)
14:15 - Find an emotionally trustworthy accountability pal
15:13 - We are always recovering

*If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos*

*About Terri Cole*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

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*Resources to Check out*

I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.

#terricoleshow #addictionrecovery #toxicrelationships

[msevolution]

The ick list was a game changer and it was VAST - no backsies

[annegroarke]

So very helpful Terri. My “ick list” is under construction, thank you ♥️🌸

[alessaxn]

This is timely! Thank you, Terri. My motto going forward is "Reality recall: NOT euphoric recall".

[Rainbow]

The best quote! "Our day-to-day lives are not a weekend in Paris. Our day-to-day lives are how understood we are, how well someone knows us, how well someone treats us, how cared about we are." ~ I also want to add that all of this can only happen, as the Prayer of St. Francis suggests, in how much we seek to understand our partner, how much we seek to know our partner, how well we seek to treat our partner and how much we seek to care about our partner, as we wish to be treated.

[No__Importantt]

That you, Terri. I do this often and each time I return or rekindle an old relationship it always turns out the same. Funny that you've posted this because I just realized this very recently. I had no idea that this behavior has a name or is common. I really appreciate you offering alternative solutions/ways of thinking.

[christinerobertson]

I was no-contact with my mother and gradually let her back. She is getting up in age and gave me some money and her car. She made me in charge of her banking. At the same time, though, she takes control of everything including my 28 yo daughter. She has crossed this boundary years ago and acts as a go-between daughter and me. She acts like she has the inside scoop of my daughter. I told her I how I didn't like it, and I'm her mom, you're the gma. She said "It's all in your head." Wow! So toxic. When I go to pick up her car, I will be staying separately. Thank You Again, Terri!!💚

[littlecat]

I need to listen to this everyday to remind myself to not go back . Thank you so much Terri .

[nuriamolina]

I've recorded myself everyday throughout the relationship. So I have all the precise and detailed proff in my own voice and yet, I do struggle to accept it, even when I play it back and pay full attention to my words and feelings. It's so hard to fight this on my own. I live with my narc parents, that was my main reason to relapse with the narcissist relationship.

[gregariasanchez]

I just experienced the mean side that comes after the love booming... You desglosed so well that euphoric recall! And the toxic relationship happens to be with my mother. To think that she finally "really" loves me and wishes me inly the best, is a ever coming dream.
And one question: Do you have your Boundary Boss book in spanish?

[karenr]

This is applicable with a covert narcissistic/ codependent mother too. I am pregnant with my second child and almost two months ago I made the tough decision to go no contact with my mother for 10 days after she crossed a major boundary for the last time. Since then I’ve limited my contact with her to only 2 times per week. She also deploys “love blaming” attempts in order to get me back into her life full time to keep extracting narcissistic supply from me. While, it hurts me to be estranged from her, especially while I am pregnant, it has been the most healing decision for my mind, body and soul. Thank you for your content. I love your book, it has been such a powerful tool in helping me realize my mom’s boundary destroyer behaviors and how to navigate my boundaries like a boundary boss! Thank you for your work! 🙏

[AA-lqpu]

My ex never said anything critical of mean to me. Which is confusing. He was just constantly coming home very late and constantly texting other woman. And then threatening me if I even being up or ask who he is texting. Its confusing. When i was ill he neglected me and i almost died due to lack of medical treatment.

[sally]

You are Amazing. This is so helpful! I just read the Audio book Boundary Boss and bought it as well so I could do the exercises! Also recommended it to many! You are brilliant!

[kgrymp]

This video holds the essence of human pain and suffering, and how to tackle the hardship and difficulty of life happening…In addition, you make it sound so incredibly easy to understand through your gifted speaking. I love the way you combine science in your conversations, so Brilliant Terri!!! I so appreciate you!! ❤

[allisonb.]

WOW this was a very good well explained, esp about daily life and how that felt with the person.

[reetee-sriu]

Married 21 years this may 2023, he's 10 yrs older, codependent relationship with physical, mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual, and financial abuse denied rejected from day one, he silences me like mute, the disrespect and disregard for him self, me my wellbeing disregard for Life, I filed for a divorce this morning, I feel sad for him, I'm battling with myself so I will not allow him back for more sane, what can I do to strengthen my will? Thank you for your videos 🙏👍❤️

[Wingsandflowers]

This is such an amazing lesson! I need to do that more frequently...play the tape forward. I can't thank you enough❤

[bakers-wife]

I loved this one! Im a recovering addict (11 years) And Ive been pulling back from narcissistic family members! I love that you said look forward but dont forget where you came from! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[Audiofatuation]

I just ended a toxic relationship yesterday. I ignored so many red flags because he love bombed me awhile. My dad is a sober alcoholic I have no contact with. My ex was similar in diff ways. I *actually* thought I'd broken the cycle of unavailable men. I truly did. I'm 40 & wow so much more to undo. It hurts alot. But I am grateful I am out.

[debrealawrence]

Hello! First time here, and I feel hopeful. Have so many issues From my childhood that I am now noticing how they are causing relationship problems in my life currently.
Looking forward to learning how to deal with this. I am an empath and my last relationship was with a narcissistic man. First time I ever encountered and boy, did he do a number on me. I have never been so hurt and crushed and am learning now all about this.

[L...P]

I wonder if you might sometime address estrangement of family members due to religion, politics, etc. and how to either maintain relationships or stay open to reconnection. I have an adult child who has been radicalized (and who also has autism), and it's been very tough to stay connected. I'm guessing many others are experiencing pain in this area.