Why you need constant reassurance from your partner: understanding and overcoming insecurity

Complete transcript: Why You Need Constant Reassurance from Your Partner: Understanding and Overcoming Insecurity

Person 1: I just need constant reassurance from my partner. And I can tell it's getting really annoying.
Therapist: When do you feel you need it most?
Person 1: Anytime they're not around. Or when they're quiet or taking their own space. I don't know I just yet this feeling like something is wrong.
Therapist: Well, when you grow up with parents who withhold love to make love very conditional, where you need to perform to get their love, you can grow up having the fear of abandonment. That gets triggered anytime someone needs to withdraw from you. This is why it's so important to practice self-soothing. Our partners might have long days away or just need their own space. And this doesn't mean that they're going to leave or that they're mad at us. And when we give them this space, it shows that we consider them and trust in our bond. The truth is when we have abandonment wounding, no amount of reassurance will actually change the way we feel. It's up to us to teach ourselves to feel safe when a person is away from us. And to remind yourself that distance doesn't mean rejection.

[rainorshine]

It is also important to note that this does not in any way condone hurtful behaviour such as being ignored and ghosted in texts etc.
know the difference between healthy behaviour and toxic behaviour in others as well, not just in yourself

[siku]

While it's important to fill your own cup, it's equally important to stay away from relationships with people who don't care why you're like this. They're not much different from the people who created the issues in the first place.

[mollyhooper]

For me the hardest part is listening to my gut feeling and knowing what’s normal. Especially with friendships that feel one sided. Is it really one sided or do I just perceive it that way because of my fear of being left out?
Not wanting to be the problem could lead to gaslighting myself and telling myself that oh it’s just my fear of abandonment - when in reality I’m actually in a one sided relationship where the other person has gotten used to just giving me crumbs and expecting me to be happy with that. The worst is when they know about my past and use it against me as proper of ‘oh you just feel this way because of what happened’

[gringogreen]

Yeah, while this feeling is real, it's not always reality. I'll tell you what I tell my friends, "Give them every reason to stay and as few reasons to leave as possible."

That said you need to do this while you are being yourself. Trying to cater mainly to someone else's needs and ignore your own is a recipe for failure 😉👍✨

[Aurora-eo]

Me 1000%. I feel bad for not realizing this when I was in a good healthy relationship... Sad I screwed myself over. 😢 I pushed them away. I pray 🙏 I'll find a good healthy relationship again, and I am aware of so much more. 🙏

[amygerstle]

It happens in friendships too. Especially when they are one sided. Especially when someone appears to have Avodant Attatchment. I finally gave up on getting what i needed today from other people. Once i am in a state of feeling abandoned and hurt it colors my perceptions with everbody i go to for support.❤

[Jess-knvl]

I can relate, its either this or being fiercely independent like my life depends on it.

[SteveGrein]

This is so hard when you just need some words of affirmation or a genuine hug or kiss and you are with a dismissive avoidant who won’t even acknowledge their presence. I find I can go up to couple of weeks tops with being really focused and keeping myself “okay” and when I show a bid for attention or straight up communicate that I feel like I need my wife, it’s a trigger and defensive and I’m the one that is not showing up good enough. It’s so hard when you’re doing the work to learn and grow and become more secure attached and they just don’t want to communicate or show any interest in bettering themselves and the marriage.

[LoveHonor]

Dear all, distance indeed does not mean rejection at all if you love and trust each other. Due to the war I had to leave my country with my children but my beloved partner could not move with us due to the law. So, we have maintainted our long distance relationship with love and trust and mutual support for 2 years and 5 months for now. It is not easy but this distance shows how much we love each other and miss each other and can't wait to meet and be together forever again. I hope and pray one day it will.
By this I meant that you have to believe, love and trust God and your spouse in order to be happy in your relationship. 😊

[thewisdomofaspen]

The biggest thing I keep reminding myself is that I've genuinely healed from this, and enjoy my own space now. I still have things I struggle with but oh my god, I'm so much better than I was a couple of years ago and I have to be grateful for that even if I have no idea what I'm doing now I feel like I've totally switched lanes

[JennyNobody]

I used to be like this. My husband has been so patient and generous with me while I learn it's okay. These days, thanks to content like yours, I only really need reassurance when I'm really struggling or its valid (not often at all anymore)

[Katie-km]

Distance from someone I love even not romantically is painful. I’m just learning to not expect people to want to be in my life. Then if they are I had no expectations and they chose to stay and be in my life. Losing people is painful for me. I’m trying to learn to be content with or without people. Those who want to be in my life will make an effort to be there. Otherwise, it is what it is

[aywancfc]

Wow this is me to a T..I just have a hard time being alone and feeling safe during those moments. Especially if my partner is upset or angry with me and just leaves and forgets to tell me he just needs space and will come back. It triggers everything and my body presses the panic button. But, I found that playing soothing music and doing something that engages me like drawing, and talking to myself helps a lot. And if nothing else, calling someone I trust like my mom helps.

[henrietahaniskova]

Except for when you are dealing with a dismissive avoidant person that makes you feel constantly needy even when you have healthy need for connection.

[Dlos]

This is the hardest thing to teach yourself when youve also been conditioned to feel guilt from experiencing comfort when youre caring for yourself. Im pushing through dating a foreign military guy…things get bad sometimes but i have to remind myself he didnt choose to be deployed just to make me feel this way…

[AdaonACalaSaca]

Yeah.
I lost my partner because of this.

And many friends. Actually.. about all of them.

[fbbWaddell]

I disagree. Consistency in behavior from your partner is what heals this abandonment wound. For instance, I used to really freak out when I was dating someone I really liked and they would pull away. When I finally dated someone who was understanding, he contacted me at the same times everyday. This consistency reassured me and taught me that even when he needed space, he wasn't going anywhere. I eventually got the to the point that I didn't need him to do it anymore, but he still did it as an act of love.

[danaroman]

This has been me for 53 years, and it explains so much! I'm so thankful for this and all your videos!! 💗

[sarahjmount]

Wow did it take me a looong time to learn this lesson! And sometimes it still creeps back in. I always blamed my partner. (Please excuse my lack of proper grammar.) That they weren’t paying enough attention to me; that they were doing something deceitful if they were late coming home; that they were shut down from the relationship; and that they had a problem with intimacy when it was me all along in that respect! Thanks again for the awareness you bring to complex trauma. ❤

[OptimizedAlchemist]

I love the way you explain things in your videos, thank you!