the chronically online state of asexual discourse

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[Jekyllstein_Gray]

I'm sorry, but why did nobody say "Humping Humpback Whales?"

[janmillerstopmotion]

I was 50 years old when I heard the term asexual. I had never experienced sexual attraction and even kissing repulsed me. I never told anyone how I felt out of shame. Knowing there’s nothing wrong with me has been so freeing. I definitely identify as queer and I’m grateful that my queer friends accept me as such.

[kappathefish]

I once got harassed on Twitter for complaining about how nobody wants to acknowledge aphobia in the queer community. Just a bunch of people calling me a virgin who can't get laid. Proved my point very quickly.

[anonymousqueer]

as a asexual person and perhaps someone somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, i think people forget how strongly people feel about sex and romantic relationships. i remember when i told my siblings that i might not want to have sex ever how they thought that was weird or something that was not really rationally and how this came from two very supportive queer people(and one of them were demisexual themselves). or that people want to know what you are up to sexually and how they think its their business. from the time of being a little kid to when you are a grown up people are constantly asking if you are interested in anybody or have a crush or slept with so and so. society thinks its important that you are in a romantic/sexual relationship even if it can be very conservative and weird about those things

[aprilmazae]

it reminds me of the "gold star lesbian" discourse, like it's all about who is "gay enough." so exhausting. we don't need to tear each other down when we are constantly being attacked by homophobes and transphobes. stand together.

[arurora]

This discourse literally drove me off of tumblr. I just could not take the cognitive dissonance of people who spoke on end about how dangerous and scary it is to ever say "no" to a man would turn around and say that asexuals couldn't possibly be facing any danger due to them being ace.

[nomisunrider]

Speaking as someone who took a long time to come back out as aroace after the ace discourse era of tumblr, I will always be grateful to the trans people who stood by us.

[ilexdiapason]

it took me an extra four years to admit to myself i was ace because of ace discourse - this stuff really does destroy a self-discovery pipeline

[morgainebrigid]

41:00 - Ace people *can* be disowned by their families if they refuse to marry, and marrying to fit an expected norm is essentially the same as marrying so you can pass as straight, IMO. People who don't get married are often looked down on by others as less stable, or even selfish, which can result in job discrimination.

[reesesbeanses]

I think a major part of the popularity of anti-ace bullying is because aces/aros were seen as a “safe” target for people who enjoy the rush of power that comes from bullying or who like having a designated “bad/cringe” group that they can use to feel better about themselves by comparison. Aces are a tiny percentage of the population, so they don’t have enough social power to effectively fight back when someone is cruel to them. They’re a minority group, but ace discourse made it easy to justify picking on them because you could just say “well actually aces aren’t LGBTQ and aren’t oppressed so that means it technically isn’t bigoted to be dicks to them.” They were the ultimate acceptable target for teens and young adults who wanted to hurt other people on purpose but didn’t want to feel guilty or damage their reputation.

[kwowka]

In person, every single person I’ve ever met will go ‘oh of course aromantic / asexual people are queer!’ Yet on the internet, people want to create strong boxes of queer enough and not queer enough, which ends up being the complete opposite of what the community should be.

That’s not even mentioning how exclusionary of aro so many of ace accepting spaces are- apparently it’s okay to be ace, because ‘we can feel love too!’

Basically. I get off the internet. Aroace people don’t deserve to be debated.

(Edit: yes I know platonic love is just as valuable, my point was that in a lot of online ace spaces people don’t believe that, so they hyper focus on romantic love)

[essneyallen]

For anybody that thinks "well how can you experience medical discrimination for being asexual", picture being a woman that never had interest in sex and imagine needing any kind of ob-gyn exam/checkup/screening... the older you are the worse it is, it gets immensely dehumanizing.

[besupaaa]

Finding out that I'm acearo helped me so much, broght me SO MUCH relief, but I think people forget how much emphasis exists in sex and romance to validade a relationship.

[GrimmDelightsDice]

My knee-jerk response to albatrosses being called seagulls led me down a wild rabbithole. They're actually closer related to penguins than seagulls, apparently!

[leicean]

I’ve always thought of it like being nonbinary vs being trans: some nonbinary people consider themselves trans too but others consider themselves only nonbinary. Some ace people might consider themselves queer for one reason or another or don’t for other reasons. It really is up to the individual ace person to decide where they feel comfortable 😊
But that’s the issue: some people make it very unwelcoming and uncomfortable for ace people who DO consider themselves queer. And honestly I think it’s a shame that people are exclusionary.

[connerblank]

The internet really needs to sit down and have a talk about the difference between descriptive labels and prescriptive labelling. They _are not the same thing._

[blueberrysans]

Like what some other people have brought up, people forget the emphasis on romantic and sexual attraction in society. My entire life conversations have often been based around love lives and people asking me about crushes, do I have a boyfriend, is there that "special someone" yet, and other things like that. The first reaction my very supportive mother had when I came out as an asexual, was telling me how I'm too young to know, and the "what about the kids?" argument. When I brought up that I would probably end up getting a vasectomy her first thought was to tell me a story about how doctors denied her friend from the procedure because of these reasons-

* What about your husband?
-divorced
* What about kids?
-Already has 2, doesn't want more
* What if you want more in the future?
- She doesn't (plus adoption is a thing)
* What if your future husband wants more biological kids?
- Oh well
* Oh well, still no because of all these what ifs

She ended up getting denied either way. My mother frequently tried to fear monger me into no longer being out and proud. She has gotten better, but she still brings things up like that. I don't doubt what she told me won't happen, in fact I know it's incredibly likely, especially since I don't conform to any gender identity, to add to the fact I myself am a sex repulsed asexual.

Stay safe, and love yourselves.

[levineer]

I think that labels both liberate and restrict. When I was in high school, discovering Asexuality and Demi Wiki pages relieved me from feeling "broken." We know sexuality is a spectrum, why is it so hard to accept that perhaps it is a intersectional, moveable one? This reminds me of the discourse of "gold star" gays, as though being intimate with certain partners invalidates a person's queerness. Growing up, one of my Mom's friends told me that he didn't know he was gay until he had dated both men and women. Compulsory Heterosexuality aside, this anecdote drives home my belief that discovery and change can be part of a person's lifelong relationship with sexuality. Also, if you go around policing other's sexuality, get a better hobby.

[MQ_]

The impact of the discourse unfortunately had a lasting effect on me. I realized I was ace long before I realized I was a lesbian. But even in super accepting queer spaces, I’m quicker to tell people I’m a lesbian rather than reveal I’m ace out of fear that it will spark some sort of argument or questioning of my identity.

In general, I think the conversation is shifting to be less vitriolic, and I’m very interested to see where it goes from here. Really loved this video, and I’ll definitely be thinking about it for a while. It was much needed and a very refreshing take on things.

Sending love to all my fellow aces <3

[raffheads]

I hate the worry about "but how would the straights see us? How we would explain this?" we need to stop policing our identities for people outside the community, all experiencies should be welcomed and discussed with empathy