Does your partner have the CAPACITY for INTIMACY or CONNECTION?

#love #marriageadvice #relationships

Is your partner capable of intimacy? Do they have the emotional capacity for closeness and connection and selflessness? It's a good question. One we should all answer before getting seriously involved with someone and especially before marrying them. Some people are not going to be emotionally safe for you. Some people have a subconscious fear of closeness and vulnerability. You loving them isn't going to change that. We have to learn what it looks like to be in a healthy mature relationship and pay attention to any warning signs in ourselves or our partners that jeopardize that. Our relationships depend on it.

Marriage is all about commitment and faithfulness and trust and connection and friendship and intimacy. Are you prioritizing those in your relationship? If not, there's really no point in even getting married. That is how we HAVE a great marriage. That is what LOVE requires of us. They aren't add on's. They are essential to a healthy marriage. You can stay together, but the presence of respect and emotional safety and closeness and playfulness is what makes a relationship thrive. And it's possible for you!

[Clovergirl]

Thank you. I'm still trying to work through the ingrained self-doubt from my marriage; he always made everything out to be my fault and refused accountability for even small things. As I've worked through (and still am working through) my past traumas, I definitely see where I was contributing to some of the toxic cycles we found ourselves in. While it doesn't feel good, it at least is a small consolation to realize that perhaps he wasn't in a place where he was capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. And with hindsight I can also see that I wasn't in a place where I could love him the way he needed to be either. I hope he finds the healing and peace that he needs to one day be loved like he deserves.

[gailrosenberg]

I finally came to the conclusion, after a 35 year "marriage" and now over 5 years separated and 2.5 years divorced that the ex is the kind of man who would have treated any woman, ANY woman, the exact same way he treated me. For the longest time, I took the neglect and covert abuse personally and that is where the trauma and pain come from. That the horrid behavior was somehow a reflection of my lack of worth. I over-performed for decades to try to win his favor, never realizing that he had zero capacity to be open, vulnerable, intimate or caring. His apathy was like an extra person in the house. Now I know that nothing I could have done differently would have helped. Your words are very comforting. Jimmy, you are very wise and emotionally intelligent--a rare blessing to a wife.

[juliedevlin]

This video is SPOT ON and I’m sure many people are in this exact situation. Staying is hard and divorce can be very hard too. When there’s little hope of change it comes down to choosing which “hard” seems best at the time.

[andrearobinson]

Which marriage book do you recommend? Been on the Gottman website but not sure which one to get to try. Thanks.

[andrearobinson]

I'm def near my breaking point cause I feel I have tried everything. Today his excuse of not talking to me is to give me space. Umm, you are just pushing me further away by not speaking to me or addressing the note I left you where I attempted to explain how the kids are feeling. There's just never a good time to talk.

[ellebelle]

Just like you can’t get blood from a beetroot you can’t get intimacy from a stonewaller. 👏 🎯 💯

[prayingforyou]

I’m the hurt spouse😢
I recognize the need for help but there are barriers to getting that help…..excuses from spouse (money, time, etc…). I’m afraid that I’ve already abandoned and left my relationship while still in it. My husband should have listened to me crying for help years ago and gone yo counseling to get help but didn’t see the need. Now I think he realizes for the first time that I’m serious and that I’ve checked out and he’s scared and frantically trying to make up for lost time. Asking me out on dates etc….it’s all fine and dandy but it’s not enough. The fire is going out. I feel like I’ve done all that I can do. I do have to stand in the truth! I have fought for my relationship. I really am willing to do counseling as a last resort but having a hard time with finding the right one (husband is limiting it to only a Catholic counselor or someone at our church……which I haven’t found yet and I don’t see him looking at all so it’s all on me)….and……another stupid that I find one that can do weekends or flexibility with my husbands schedule and lastly, one that is affordable (all seem to be too pricey for him). The cost of counseling will have consequences of having to sacrifice something else….like me not getting my hair done or something (according to my husband). Soooo…… I’m at a loss and dead end!!! I don’t want to be extreme or seem like I’m over exaggerating/over reacting in my actions but I think about separation or divorce. Again…..he has me where he wants me….I have no money on my own and he is over our finances. sit in misery and fake/try to be happy to appease and try to live life. My kids (20&17) see it and tell me I need to get their dad and I to counseling. I feel responsible how I handle this because they are watching. I never want them to think this situation/my marriage is ok or healthy and to just put up with it. I’m such at a complete loss!!!! Right now I’m trying to save some money to at least try to get myself to counseling. Ugh!!!!😢
Thanks again for your most sincere videos!!!!