What The Power Struggle Stage Feels Like For The Fearful Avoidant | #shorts

In this video, I discuss what someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style often experiences in the power struggle stage of relationships.

#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles

[Sidera]

I'm an FA and I also happen to attach quickly if we're really connecting. ("Attaching" being different than "feeling attraction/biochems" alone).

As soon as I start to attach, this happens. It means I get like, at most, a few days or weeks of a honeymoon phase, which may not even be a honeymoon phase because it's just GOING ON DATES and the other person hasn't attached yet, so I experience frustrated and alone. The fact that I fall quickly into a honeymoon and attachment phase before my potential partner does ALSO triggers the FA wounds because they are not reciprocating on my timeline, so I assume betrayal/lack of interest.

If/when they are ready to enter the honeymoon phase, I have already been tearing my hair out in the Power Struggle stage for weeks and am done, the attraction is dead. I can't actually articulate I attach too early because people think you're mentally unstable or lovebombing them and leave.

I've tended towards relationships now where I'm like, so-so about the other person, because that means none of this will activate, and the other person never notices I've never actually gone through a falling in love stage. It's mind-numbingly empty though, and I eventually leave because I am so unfulfilled.

My ideal situation would be a ridiculously impractical one where we meet and mutually hit it off immediately on a fast timeline. That way I could at least get INTO the relationship to figure out how to navigate each stage. It'd be nice to know what an actual honeymoon phase felt like. I've been searching for this for 25 years, and the likelihood of it happening as we age due to biology seems less and less.

Anything less than this and I feel tortured in a Power Struggle alone or, if there is little attraction on my end, stable, but like a ghost walking through a relationship with someone.

[billyvanilly]

This is exactly wat I went thru in my current relationship with my DA partner, it was a struggle and I broke it off twice because I couldn’t handle it. Luckily he was patient and didn’t give up, we care about each other a lot and we have built a connection that is hard to just let go. We are good now and came to an understanding, but before that happened we struggled a lot. Now we are getting back to a good place .❤

[firefoxchibi]

Right before my FA walked out a second time, it was like he was trying to cling on even harder to the connection, being almost excessively expressive about how much he adores me and couldn't wait to see me.... and then bam, 'I can't do this anymore', within a matter of hours. It's crazy scary how quickly they can switch from the fearful side, to the avoidant side.

[huda]

Currently involved with a DA and feeling exactly that. Thanks for the video ❤❤

[coolqh]

Me, right now. It's such a struggle.

[twinkles]

I am an FA too, and before watching this video, I thought I was losing my mind. But you describe exactly what I am going through at the moment, with my partner who is very likely a DA, or at least leaning DA. It sucks, tbh. I've worked myself to the point of exhaustion for this relationship, for quite some years. He stayed, except for some stonewalling he never really walked away. At the same time, he wasn't really there. He was very controlling about how often, how, where and when we would spend time together. The connection between us was cold. I did walk away, even a couple of times. Until I felt safe again, then I returned to him. Credits to him for putting up with that. Since recently, my DA partner is coming closer. He even lets me info dump attachment style theory on him 😄, and told me he wants to do the work, too. While acting cranky but I understand he felt triggered, he agreed on intensifying the frequency of the days where we were seeing each other, and even let me blurt out a future relationship goal and agreed on wanting to work towards that goal, too. Now he tells me he never wants to go back to the previous amount of hours we spent with each other, which wasn't much. But now he's coming closer and he is actually the one being loyal to seeing each other every week, while I notice myself pulling away, quite some. Since recently, I've really started expressing my needs to my DA partner, and it feels so unsafe to do. My DA partner showed some toxic responses to this, but really doesn't want to he tells me, and I believe him in this. I understand this response is related to his own traumatic childhood. At those moments we are both showing toxic behaviour towards each other, we are projecting our abusive cluster B parents onto each other. Realizing this, was very helpful for us. Still, I keep swinging back and forth with extreme measure, between wanting my DA partner close and wanting him at a for me safe distance. I do experience feelings of guilt for what I am doing to him. I've started to communicate about this swinging behaviour with him, without being aware that it's the power struggle phase. And eventually, I do my best to keep showing up. But it takes a lot of work and a lot of communication with my DA partner. Definitely going to show this video to him. Thank you so much for creating and sharing this video!

[gogohappygirl]

So very true. Really looking forward to, and waiting for, the DA version of this video. I’m a FA dating a DA.

[thomaspan]

They met someone else but still refused to let me go. They even told me during a social event that they would bring that one home and told me not to get upset. They even told me that they were just messing around until last month they were not. I'm going no contact.

[shubikl]

I needed that just now! Thanks Thais!!

[robdog]

I was aware of this already as an FA. But, what if the AA still wants more time with you even though your trying very hard to meet her needs and you feel trapped? What if both parties feel unheard and unseen with their boundaries and you just can't find a middle ground?

[cyn]

I'm going through this right now.

[madhuryamaa]

What does the FA need during the power struggle stage? Should their partner give them space or remind them they are there when they are ready to talk?

[mirandaread]

I sent an accountability letter do I reach out after if I haven’t heard back or is that the last time I should initiate contact. This was after 35 days no contact from a 3 month relationship. He’s FA and left saying I pushed him away too much and he felt I was going to leave him and he was going to get hurt. He hasn’t contact doing no contact or responded to my letter completely shut me out

[lucytownsend]

How long does the power struggle stage typically last?

[goldbrick]

Is this how they are w/their therapist as well?

[gogohappygirl]

Whatever happened to the DA version of this video???