Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? (Should You Forgive A Cheater?)

Here's what you need to know about cheating:

The saying goes “Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater”. But does it always hold true? Will a cheater always cheat? And should you forgive your boyfriend for cheating and try to salvage the relationship? The answers may surprise you…

Hi, I’m Amy North, relationship and love coach. Infidelity is, and always has been, one of the biggest obstacles to a happy and healthy relationship. But can it be overcome? In this video I’m going to cover how and when to move on from infidelity.

First off, let’s look at the data. Repeated studies show that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as "happy" with their marriage have affairs. This does not make cheating okay but it’s important to understand that if you’ve been cheated on, you’re not alone. Many women have been subjected to cheating in a relationship and have managed to move on with or without their partner.

But what about the cheaters? A study of serial infidelity by the archives of sexual behaviour profiled 484 people through multiple relationships. The study found tha those who reported cheating--defined here as sex outside of their relationship--in the first relationship on record were three times more likely to report cheating in their next relationship when compared to those who did not report cheating in the first relationship.

While many do reoffend, this is not to say that most cheaters are repeat offenders. There are many factors that affect the likelihood of repeated cheating. And unfortunately not a lot of research has been done on this subject. So the truth is “Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater” is still up for debate.

This means that there’s no way to be certain that your partner will not cheat again. But here are some insights from relationship experts about how to move forward if you’ve been cheated on.

Genuine remorse is a sign of change

If you’re trying to decide if you can trust your partner again, you need to look for genuine remorse for cheating. This goes beyond just an apology. They need to show you that they regret their actions and are taking steps to change their behaviour. This means taking responsibility for what happened. They have to admit what they did, work to understand how it hurt you and express remorse for their actions. They need to have a plan to avoid cheating going forward and make an effort to fix the underlying problem that led to their cheating.

Intention is important

You have to both have a desire to make this work or it’s all for nothing. So remorse needs to be backed up by repeated actions that show both desire and evidence of change. It’s easy to express remorse but it’s another thing to follow through on that remorse to make a change. This looks different in different relationships but couples or individual counselling is HIGHLY recommended.

Circumstances matter

The specific circumstances of the cheating determine its severity and likelihood of being repeated.

*** More from Amy North: ***

[liviamussi]

This was very helpful. I needed this right now.

[webslingingspider]

I don't even need to watch this to know that cheaters can't be forgiven. Move on, that's a good thing, but you can't trust anyone who cheated

[cococha]

If he cheats on someone with you, he will sure cheat on you with someone else.

[afrochick]

I really encourage anyone to breakup with a cheater. If you can’t trust them what’s the point.

[fatherst]

Your partner will cheat again if they are caught and give you excuses instead of truths.

[irfanrashid]

we all make mistakes..no one is perfect .and most important you would not be forgiven if you don't forgive

[sumari]

forgiveness is only for you, it's not for the person who cheated

[lucyfunnell]

Thank you so much for your video I was cheated on by my boyfriend but he told me about it because it was a work conference from out a town and it was just a mad moment that he had and he told me about it and I forgave him so much and we're in a happy relationship have been for 6 years thanks again Lucy

[madibecause]

My sister had a bf and he cheated on her multiple different times with multiple different girls and they fighted almost every day and one time he locked her in a bathroom with no phone or food or water or anything for a whole day and yet SHE GOT BACK TOGETHER with him and her excuse is "everyone makes mistakes" and he wonders why I don't like him

[katscandance]

Found out my boyfriend cheated recently. And i am one to forgive people for a first mistake. Then I found out who she was and I realized that my boyfriend has a type. I’ve seen some of the girls my bf used to date and talk to. And I do not fit into that type. I’m wondering if maybe he actually just doesn’t like me.

[pbdb]

Some ppl once they cheat they like to justify it to themselves… there wasn’t enough intimacy…they didn’t treat me right… it wasn’t meant to last anywayz… relationship was ending so it isn’t even really cheating etc.

Do not try not to cheat because of others or some kind of external factors.

Just ask yourself are you a cheater? Is that something who you really are as a person. If you are not or don’t want to be anymore… then you have to make a strong decision in yourself that no matter what you will not cheat. Because of yourself. Not because of anybody else. If you can truly do that you will not cheat… even if you used to be a cheater… you won’t be anymore.

[Susiej]

Sometimes in a relationship, 1 partner will cheat on the other after the other already cheated on them. I would know. My daughter's dad (my now ex due to other circumstances) cheated on me on a Tuesday night and I said, "Fuck it, if hes going to cheat on me, I'll cheat right back, " and cheated on him that Thursday night

[indisingh]

Cheating* The ONE Thing That Always Happen With Me I'm Too Innocent For This

[dravenrichardson]

Yep I don't care if she cheated on someone else before she even met me, one I know she is that type of person I want nothing to do with her plain and simple. I am not the kind to Forgive and Forget though. I'm too much of a vengeful spirit personally.
Can't we just stick them all on a cruise ship or two and let them have their fun until they sink into the void.

[izzypfutzenreuter]

Lmao all of these reasons are null. I'd rather die alone than endure a relationship with a broken person. If you forgive a cheater, good luck second guessing. 😹 You'll always hold it against them and that relationship is doomed.

[GeekBud]

Yeah, I don't think so
Trust is like a crystal ball. Once it is broken, there is no way you could bring it back to the former self...

If you admit cheating to your significant other, there is a good chance that they will cheat on you if the circumstances permit them to. Same goes for the person who cheats as well.

[susanflowers]

Like you said some have a sick addiction with the highs and lows of cheating. Some play the cards of hearts because of there twisted and deranged view of love

[j]

So in other words, once she cheats she’ll always cheat, and us most likely going to cheat in the next relationship. Dang I feel sorry for the next victim.

[Gymzenn]

So... My girlfriend cheated on me a few days ago (one friend of hers made the move to kiss her but she didn't backed away), yesterday she felt really and told me everything. She understands the consequences and said that breaking up with her would be the most logical thing to do because she deserves it. It has always been a healthy relationship and everytime we had a problem we would spoke it out togheter and fix it... But now I really don't know if I should forgive and give her a seccond chanse, she really regrets it but she broke my heart and soul... What should I do?

[SpareSomeChange]

Can't agree really. Forgiving them for cheating means you've made it for them to cheat. They'll do it again knowing that you'll just forgive them. I don't like this idea that people should be given second chances.