Healing the Wish To Be Someone Else After Narcissistic Abuse

In today's video I discuss how the scapegoat child may cope with the narcissistic parent's devaluation, deprivation and control by wishing they could become someone else. This is different than having an ideal self. An ideal self is still thought of as part of who you are now. In cases of severe narcissistic abuse, the child may imagine a day when they can like themselves by becoming someone different. This offers the child hope at the expense of feeling connected to who they really are. The latter is not an option because their narcissistic parent makes the experience of being who they are feel so wretched. I will describe this strategy, how it is adaptive, and offer a way to surrender the wish to be someone else.

Knowing the truth about your strength is a critical step in healing from narcissistic abuse.

After watching this video AND if you’re ready to learn more…

Accelerate your recovery journey today by getting a FREE Copy of my ebook, Learn 4 Ways Adult Scapegoat Survivors Can Heal

[RPJacob]

Trying to heal while still being in contact with a toxic family is like trying to blow dry your hair standing in the middle of a rainstorm.

[sk.]

absolutely true, and yes, true also that you never can do or say things right, always critic never any friendly reaction....it feels extremely difficult, I try for so many years and as soon as I meet unsafe people I fall back. That s frustrating....

[fuzbugg]

so wild how we need to become blind to ourselves to "belong" ... so hard for self esteem

[imnoel]

Eventually I did become the person I'd dreamed of being as a child, educated and independent. I've only started to feel like that person through learning the truth about being the scapegoat. You helped me do that Jay. You have my heartfelt thanks!

[marcinpaz]

All the suffering and absence of love help me embrace GOD'S mercy and unconditional love.

[ekkamailax]

Interacting with small children from healthy families can be healing.

The other day I’m at dinner with a friend, his wife and 4 year old daughter. I asked the daughter “what’s your favorite ice cream.”

She said her favorite flavor, then I told her my favoring flavor.

To my complete shock, the parents did not insult her (or me for that matter).

Coming from a family where any mention of your likes, needs and preference is met with insults put downs and mockery, moments like this are incredibly healing.

I remember feeling shocked and thinking to myself “wow there are actually parents who don’t insult their child for expressing their favorite flavor of ice cream.”

[barbaraferrier]

I think this explains how I escaped the abuse - almost, and then slipped back into being a punching bag, over time, in my marriage. My empowered, ideal self benefitted others, but was afraid of the danger when it came time to own my strengths for my own benefit.

[weaviejeebies]

This is so true for me and so incredibly painful. Maybe even one of the worst parts. I could never be proud of myself because I could never achieve that radically different self -- the one who didn't have ADHD. Even after decades of adulthood, I couldn't look at my life and give myself the ok. I didn't feel like I could be happy without earning that ok from myself, and the criteria were my parent's unattainable standards. Then I embraced Buddhism, and the principles of meditation practice, keeping mindfulness habitually active compassion, the precepts of non-harm, right actions, etc gave me the value system, perspective, and set of honorable self-discipline guidelines allowed me to set a new healthy criteria for self-evaluation. The meditation practices gave me the executive control and cognitive expansion to see I'd been playing a sick person's rigged game my whole life. _The world is NOT what they taught you it is. These rules are NOT REAL!_ YOU _can see the world and its principles for_ YOURSELF!

[PaintingandExercise]

I found that it worked better for me to first, escape the narcissistic abuse and go No Contact and then, start analyzing/understanding the abuse and making sense of it all. Since my narc abusers did not live in the same town I was mostly able to live in defiance of the narc rules. My self esteem was fine. But when I would go visit them the games would start again and they would play their sick games on me. They would have me feeling like dirty, lowly Cinderella in no time. It has been 1 year and 9 months since no contact.

[amberfuchs]

Very helpful video. My therapist says I have structural dissociation from enduring my childhood, so this video resonates strongly with me. I'm practicing being proud of myself for my efforts and accomplishments. I was told my healthy pride was hubris, so realizing it's safe and healthy to have self-esteem is a new experience.

[hazel_basil]

It feels like if I succeed or people like me, I’ve fooled them or somehow faked my way there

[moirabij]

Thank you, Jay for explaining this complex psychological dynamic. I remember clearly how for the longest time I literally wanted to be anyone but myself. It was so painful to live in this state. Thankfully over time I have developed a self that I can respect and love - the person I had been all the time but couldn't show in the toxic family system. Your work is absolutely stellar.

[pavanatanaya]

The hyper critical tendency reminds me of my own childhood. Military culture has that tendency as well. My Father didnt have children. He only had recruits

[lisadoidge]

You have described my entire life in this video. It helps to hear someone explain it to me. I have gone through life believing something was wrong with me.

[sarahtyster]

this was brilliant. it made total sense of a lot of aspects I have found very frustrating about change. thank you.

[dawnwilliams]

You have clarified my confusion as I am growing into myself. Thank you for giving me the way to keep going and to help me understand that this is ok now. To be me, which feels unsafe now but will hopefully feel at home one day.

[andreasmith]

Jay, Your videos are a light in the dark. Your words are so true. It takes my breath away and I’m realizing how much I need to do to work on my recovery and I thank you for providing these tools.

[aihirockso]

Currently in the painful transition process of accepting my ideal self as a native not a foreigner. After years of downplaying my positive attributes and accomplishments in hopes of sharing a reality with a narc parent, i finally chose to love myself unconditionally. Thank you Doc

[Melissa-qbsh]

Thank you Jay! I’m so grateful that you have chosen this as your specialty. I’ve learned a lot about abuse and narcissism from other sources, but never from the perspective of the scapegoat, and never with a path of recovery. ❤

[kasrakhavarinejad]

Hello. I've come to realize that many scapegot survivor of narcissistic abuse develop OCDP (obsessive-compolsive personality disorder) and it's never pointed out! even what you're saying is sometimes the symptoms or beliefs of this personality disorder. So please consider this in further execution. Thanks again 👌