Caregiver Training: Aggressive Language/Behavior | UCLA Alzheimer's and Dementia Care Program

The UCLA Alzheimer's and Dementia Care Video series provides viewers with practical tools you can use in a variety of settings to create a safe, comfortable environment both for the person with dementia and the caregiver.

[shoushirei]

The amount of emotional labor required for this kind of effective care work is so underemphasized and undervalued. Families expect incredible acts of selflessness and patience, yet are only willing to pay minimum and/or poverty wages.

[sisterlindy]

Many years ago as a younger carer I worked in a care home. One morning I was getting some clothes from the wardrobe for a lady who was 90 years old, but she thought I was stealing them and pushed me. I fell into to the open wardrobe and she started hitting me, I quickly said to her that I could hear the tea trolley coming and she should go and remind them that she did not take sugar, she immediately stood back and said yes I don't want sugar and walked away. I made a note not to have my back to this client while supporting her. I am still a carer at the age of 69 and I love my job and the challenges it brings.

[culturematters]

Sometimes, no matter how nice you are, how many times you try to redirect, they're still angry!

[janetfishwick]

My 94 year old mother has stage 5 Alzheimers and lives on her own. She has carers twice a day, 6 days a week. Mother is reasonably compliant and pleasant to them throughout their 20 minute visit. When we ask her about them, mother has no idea they have even been and says she doesn’t want them because they do nothing. Her carers give her medication, clean the kitchen and bathroom, wipe working surfaces down, change her bedding and prepare her paltry tea. Mother is playing a good game and putting on a wonderful show. In reality, when we discuss her going into a Care Home due to her multitude of issues e.g. deafness, incontinence, obsession with clocks and lists, constant phone calls to my sister asking for a car( not hers) to be removed from outside her home and asking for assistance in turning her television and gas fire on, Mother becomes absolutely vile and her carers would be appalled at her verbal abuse, total disregard of logic and general stubborn attitude.

[bigmoneygrip]

I'm a man in his 50's. I dropped a relationship to come to Illinois to care for my father while he had cancer. Shortly after his passing, my mother started to exhibit signs of Alzheimer. Later adding Dimentia. Now, shes turning into in angry old woman. She's always been a manipulator as far back as I can remember. NOW it's sooo much worse. Everything is my fault. She never has accepted wrong, and always pointed the finger. My brothers are no help at all. One hasn't been over since 10/2013. The month after dad died. The other brother will not even discuss the issue by phone or txt. My guess is he thinks he's protecting his inheritance. My point is this.. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to deal with this. I'm either going to explode, back my things and disappear, or simply end my life. I just don't know. I can't deal with this alone. If I point out her illness, she says I'm full of it and spins it to be about my shortcomings. She has many bluffed into thinking she's a sweet old woman. Sooo far from the truth. The brother I haven't seen since 10/12 can attest to that. She ruined him psychology as a younger boy. Now he remembers and stays away. The other brother can care less. Just give me money is his thought. This sucks. Not sure what to do. I work 12 hr days 5 days a week. Getting to be a big load!!!

[sandstew]

Please note that these tips only work every so often, some patients cant be redirected and most times the patients violence grows and becomes harmful to you as well as themselves. If you can call for someone to assist do so immediately for safety of you and them. Or leave them to themselves and try again later when working alone. 911 is extreme and sometimes necessary....I have been sliced in my abdomen before by a patient who hide a knife. Dont let the age of an elder fool you, they can hurt you too. Just remember why you are there and that every life deserves good care

[lexihilton]

That elderly lady’s acting skill is lit 🔥

[debraseiling]

I really appreciate the way that you show two scenarios: one that might be problematic and the other being more accommodating. Thanks!

[meganowen]

Always use a positive tone! Even though these people may sometimes act 'childish', they're still adults and within reason should be allowed to do as they please as long as they're not harming themselves or others. And just think about if you were confused, would you like someone you don't recognize to come dress you, invade your space?! No, of course not, the anger makes sense. Never demonize their behaviour!:)

[kwestwick]

If only it were that easy to have her agree to go sit at the table, with the very nicest of tone and kindest of energy coming from the caregiver. The reality for many is much more complicated than has been shown in this dramatization.

[lauriesolis]

OMG. That is literally me with my mom every day. Because of her other neuro issues I have been wondering for a while if this behavior was a sign of dementia. Sometimes I feel like she talks to me like I am not her daughter- like she either thinks I am someone else or she just thinks I am someone who lives in the house. Ya know? With covid, her neurologist won't see her in person, and her psychiatrist does phone visits and my mom knows the script. So I'm at a loss for how to get her real treatment.

[hothartzdh]

What's ridiculous is the cost of these facilities! Yet the state won't fund a family member who has to care for them at home, by themselves. Without the ability to go away after 8 hours.

[spookybaby]

I find so many of these types of video focusing on how a caregiver is being bossy or rude and when they adjust their behavior things change. That is not the case for me. I have always acted with respect, compassion, and kindness but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. What I need to know is what to do if you are acting the way the caregiver was in the second scenario and the client still yells at you and tells you to go away or says mean things. I got into this type of work due to my big heart but now after every shift I’m feeling depressed, anxious, and exhausted. I wish there were more resources available to help caregivers who do everything their supposed to do but still get treated with aggression and anger.

[JPTV]

This is my guilty pleasure watching these, these are real situations I'm glad I'm not the only one in these situations

[dprintwiz]

It is not only physical aggression that is dangerous. Verbal abuse can be worst, specially if you are a Son/Daughter to the patient.

[peaceandjustice]

This is nonsense. People who work with aggressive dementia patients know that NOTHING really helps. I hate the way that the people who give the advice, have NEVER had to encounter this type of behavior on a daily basis. You are so out of touch. UCLA, please come back with a video that actually is of help to carers. This video is just wishful thinking, put together by people who don't have any practical experience of this type of work. Compared to what I experience on a daily basis, the woman in this video would be considered calm.

[k.r.]

ALL COMMENTS/VIDEOS are regarding caring for ONE parent with dementia. I'm the ONLY CAREGIVER (& I AM 100% DISABLED!) who has cared for TWO PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS for 6+ YEARS! I have NO children, NO siblings, NOTHING, it has just been ME! My parents are in Stage 7 now, but have DIFFERENT symptoms, DIFFERENT health issues, DIFFERENT Sundowners probs, & on & on & on. The 1st 2-3 yrs (again me 100% disabled! And all they have had! Tho' there were others who did NOTHING!), I worked 90+ hours a wk, eating maybe 2 REAL meals/week, driving n2 my driveway & falling asleep immediately til my husband came out to get me, being so exhausted I'd fall asleep in the morning @ the drop of a pin, spilling my coffee all over my lap! There were nights I BARELY made it home-I was SO exhausted! AGAIN, I'M 100% DISABLED! There was a 6 month period I almost, or did, get n2 car wrecks from sheer exhaustion! No one in my husband's LARGE family undestood, nor TRIED to understand(!), nor helped in ANY way! Tho' I (we) have helped ALL of them in EVERY WAY, 10 adult grandkids, 3 50+ "adult children", & great-grandkids. Gave cars, pd 4 private schools, bought furniture for, sent $ to each month while they bought new cars & we (living without ANY, debt, driving used but nice cars pd w/cash, paying our mortgage off early, & ALWAYS, EVERY MONTH GIVING TO TRULY NEEDY PEOPLE!). We did without wants, buying ONLY needs, while all drove new, fanc.y cars, or had Nike shoe collections, yet they all had zero savings, til we finally woke up & said "NO MORE!"). But NO ONE EVER SPEAKS ABOUT A SOLE CHILD, USUALLY A DAUGHTER, CARING FOR TWO ELDERLY PARENTS WHO BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT DEMENTIAS! I've listened to & read all books, looked online, & found NOTHING! NO HELP FOR US CAREGIVERS OF 2!! I am in the last stage, Stage 7 w/my parents, BOTH parents-who both have VERY different problems, symptoms, issues, Sundowners, & on & on! I am 100% disabled & have lost ALL my health, joy, ability to do ANYTHING that brought me joy, since this hit me (like planting flowers, playing the piano, helping with our personal business, cleaning our home & we haven't had a vacation in 12 yrs - as b4 my parents we cared for another elderly family member who was a piece if cake & peacefully died @ home taking a nap, she had ALL her cognition til the end! But I have been utterly ALONE caring for my parents! Both w/different dementias! Today was HORRIFIC! But there is ZERO HELP FOR THOSE OF US DOING THIS! IT WAS 1 OF 10, NOW PROBABLY MORE! YET NO1 OFFERS HELP TO US?! I'm close to suicide as this is BEYOND the WORST of caring for just one! YET NO BOOKS, NO VIDEOS, NO HELP! Why! WHY!? I have chronic pain, Fybromyalgia, C-PTSD, Severe DEPRESSION, ADD, & MORE! Yet STILL, ALWAYS, ALONE, I've done EVERYTHING FOR MY PARENTS! And let my health go! I feel like I've been living in HELL for 6 years STRAIGHT & no one helps or cares! I know the stress causes my chance of dementia to go up (multiply THAT by 2!!), & I swear that I WILL NOT go down the road I've watched BOTH OF MY PARENTS go down!! Why, why, does no1 help those of use caring for 2 w/dementia? Do you not care, or see the DEVASTATION it does to ENTIRE FAMILIES, but ESP
NEEDED!🥺😥

[levicurtis]

I feel sorry for the nurse here she’s doing best she can my aunt toy was the same way she passed away last year in June I took care of her for few years she was great great aunt I miss her so much

[tjkong]

My wife’s father had dementia. For 16 months he needed around the clock care and only four of his eight children helped, my wife, her three sisters. And I helped. His own wife didn’t even help. 45-60 minutes to get him up dressed and into bed. Fights every step of the way. Verbal aggression was a staple almost all the time. He died in 2020 just before the pandemic hit. My father died in 2016, and it was nothing compared to dealing with him. I always tell people, you don’t want a loved one to have dementia

[ericawinfrey]

I’m not being mean or anything, just speaking my thoughts. Most of what I find online about this issue is just like this. As the caregiver you walk away feeling like once again you’ve been told you must be perfect. To me it’s not encouraging at all but instead makes me feel like a failure....and I already know that I fail daily. I could be wrong on this but when it gets to a certain point (could be different for all) but detachment seems like an option. To keep my sanity I’ve had to do this somewhat with my mother in law....she talks ALOT and repeats the same stories over and over and a lot of what she says is so negative....and it is all so completely draining. We’ve all heard the old saying you are who you hang out with...why is this any different? You have got to unplug/detach from that! I do not stand blameless and I own my flaws and I’m aware that much of what I get from her could be her feeding off me because I stay so irritated with her....I get that and own that...but when she goes back home telling people I’m getting a divorce which I’m not or that I’ve killed myself and who knows what else....it’s hard to deal with. Dementia is going to kill her if not something else sooner...but I don’t want to go down with her. This is hard!!!