Should You Tell Your Partner Everything?

Honesty is normally a very good thing; but is it always and at all points valuable within a relationship? Are there any things better left unsaid?

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Produced in collaboration with:

Khyan Mansley

[Marker]

Truth does not come from 100% honesty unless you 100% understand yourself. And that, sadly, is impossible at present. To communicate everything that flows through our minds would be misleading to our actual desires and wants that we will act on. So it is not about censorship or keeping secrets. It is about processing and gaining perspective of our thoughts before communicating something that has potential to impact another person.

So truth should always be communicated. But always communicating every thought is not always truth.

[sylendraws]

I don’t think you have to tell your partner everything, but when in doubt you should be honest with them. I think honesty, openness and trust are very important in a relationship and it’s better to honest than to lie, hide or pretend like nothing is going on.

[LouiseSampsonite]

I think that this is more acceptable when I consider that it’s the small things I keep back from my husband, the momentary thoughts, criticisms that would hurt him, etc.

The big things, the childhood traumas, the “sins” I feel I need to confess, those I share, even when difficult, and I trust in our commitment.

[wronggg]

"Long term relationships are hard because it's difficult to keep up the lie that you're a good person." -Chris Rock

[jeremymenning]

My partner didn't want to hear anything I said, so eventually I stopped telling her.

She was shocked the day I told her we could no longer be partners. It was the first time she heard what I said in years. I had given her many warnings...verbally, physically, emotionally.

What good does sharing *everything* do when someone isn't listening?

Answer: *None*

[bolivar]

Here is a quote I love:

 " People who are proud of being brutally honest, always end up being more brutal than honest"

Sharing whatever comes to our mind is not a sign of courage or autenticity, but a sign of "intellectual laziness and poor emotional intelligence".

We should always keep in mind that for our partner, we are probably the person who can hurt him the most in this world.

I remembered that famous scene from the movie " Eyes Wide Shut". Obviously it is not a good idea to tell your partner that you are not jealous at all and you aren't afraid of losing him / her. Well, friends who watched that movie will remember how it all went after that!!

Someone who admits to be in love with you, will always be very vulnerable to any remark that comes from you.

We must protect the people we love and not fill their precious minds with things that won't enrich their souls or contribute to make their lives a little easier or aliviate their suffering in this world.

[luffyskywalker]

Total honesty or idiocy. Nobody wants a totally honest relationship.The waiter being the most attractive women in the world is an unnecessary comment. That's not about being honest with your partner.

[dawehl]

Rule for life: be honest, or atleast... dont lie

[ossen]

*Not telling is not lying. You have to have personal life. Relationship doesn't mean that you become one. It means two people liking each other and strolling down the same path. If the ways separate, then just be thankful for the experience and grow as a human.*

[unlimitedbitsgaming]

I learned this in my many nights of self-reflection after the first break-up I went through. One should learn to have control over how much we share, and control over how much we want the other person to share. We shouldn't want to know every little detail about each other, because we will all learn of things we won't like.

[OpusLoveProductions]

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[JJ-wiuw]

Trust everyone with something. Trust no-one with everything.

[girl-in-a-treehouse]

I'd rather hear my boyfriend has the odd murderous thought he would never act on, than if he found some waitress the most attractive woman in the world.

[JoschuaSchmidt]

I think this is such an important message that a lot of people haven´t quite realized yet.
We are still longing for that utopia of having someone to understand our inner self, our deepest feelings, maybe even those, we don´t understand ourselves. But that´s just impossible. Sure, a partner for life is someone that we share more with than with anybody else, but he or she is just a human being. And not even one, that was "designed" to be our better half, our completion.
We are all imperfect and we won´t ever understand ourselves or someone else completely. But that´s what makes us human. And that´s why love is so precious - because it´s not a perfect possibility we have chosen, but rather a big project, that we can put all our heart into.

[ffmbtsu]

Man I wish I was as forgiving as that girl was.

[AaronSpence]

I've been married for over 25yrs, and as much as I love School of life info, I completely disagree with this one. My wife and I spent 20yrs subconsciously adhering to this rule... don't say anything we think might be hurtful. Don't be too real, don't be too honest, keep communications comfortable. It was a disaster. I was ready to leave the marriage as it was shallow and fake.

When we hit the wall, we wrestled with this lack of REAL honesty in our relationship, and pushed through it. Sure that was a VERY hard and hurtful time, but coming out the other side, we can now say ANYTHING to each other. We can be our REAL selves, not an edited version of ourselves, that we think the other wants to hear. Now we have what I consider a REAL relationship, not just a casual friendship where we keep our innermost thoughts to ourselves for fear of offending the other, or being judged.

Interestingly my wife had edited out so much of herself because she thought my feelings would be hurt if she told me. She was completely wrong, her edits were the things I WANTED to know about her. The restaurant scene... when you have a REAL relationship, and are secure with yourself and each other, that's just fun. My wife often ASKS ME if I find the waitress attractive, and if I do, what I like about her. She's also happy to tell me when she finds the waiter attractive, and I'm happy to hear it.

This is not to say either of us just blurt out every thought in our heads, there is still a process of editing, and saying things the right way, but there is no holding back, worrying about offending the other, or being judged. The difference between our relationship now and what we had for 20+ years is stunning. I would NEVER go back to that.

Having another being with whom you can share yourself completely, is the most gratifying thing you can do. It takes time... sometimes a LOT of time to get there, but it's a worthy goal.

[Eliza]

Any guy stupid enough to share something like that in that cruel of a way would lose my respect pretty quickly. Stupidity is hard to unsee.

[ashleylemmer]

Brilliant, one of the biggest mistakes I've made in relationships.

[empathylessons]

I disagree with this. But it tends to be a deeply personal dilemma that people fundementally disagree on.
What's most important is that we find someone who agrees with us on our fundamental outlook.

[wronggg]

If your partner knew everything, then wouldn't they just sprint away screaming?