Why People With Autism are Viewed as Less Empathetic…

Support and empathy look different to people on the spectrum. Being autistic does not mean we lack empathy.
#autism #asd #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent #empathy #relationships #relationshipgoals #relationshipadvice #adhd #grieving

[elizabethfreed]

This is so relatable, even the verbal/physical cues the autistic character is giving off (I'm high masking but when in a distressing situation like this I too tend to have more broken speech, less eye contact, etc)

[hananitkowski]

"My understanding of support is through my brain" THIS.

[jamesmilburn]

This vedio his so hard. I had almost this exact issue with my, unfortunately now ex fiancé. I wish i had these words at the time and, although it probably wouldn't have saved things between us, it would have likely saved alot of hurt for us both.
Thank you for making vedios like this, it means alot to know that I'm not alone and other have similar experiences. I am definitely saving this video and will come back to it as an example of how to have a healthy and open conversation.

[brentmakes]

I have the opposite problem. I completely overcorrect and pour on what I think sympathy looks like and try to share the pain with the other person. It's the only way I feel that I can truly be supportive. It can backfire but my family and friends understand that I am overly empathetic and that I feel deeply for them. I've also explained that I immediately extrapolate the consequences of their loss (those left behind, the work they must do in the absence of this person, the pain they must be feeling) and feel that too, making communication that much harder.

[tinaperez]

Wow, the neurodivergent is being completely nice & caring - not even most neurotypicals are considerate enough to ask how they can show up for someone else. No one can read another's mind, the person in this example should've completely told the neurodivergent person how they could support them. I mean he was ASKING for crying out loud. 😩

[Efflorescentey]

I’m the autistic one but the comment about “if you have to explain it it’s not genuine.” “Why?” Really called me out. I know my version of support looks different to others, I shouldn’t expect them to read my mind, I should be comforted by their desire to help in a way that I need.

[heatherloudon]

You beautiful human!

This explains so much ❤

Thank you 🤗

[Einsteinette]

This truly hurts my heart to watch. It felt familiar. In my experience, it was so hard feeling like at my lowest, most vulnerable moments where I was already terrified of my own emotions because it felt like weakness and failure, I couldn't rely on my partner for support. Accommodations that normally were not a big deal to me felt absolutely untenable in those moments. I don't mind using precise language and being hyper-explicit when I'm regulated, but it was overwhelming when I needed help to feel that it's always my responsibility to ask for exactly what I need. It felt like when I needed reciprocation of the effort I put in to bridge the gap, there was nothing to draw from despite all I put into the relationship, which felt not only unfair but felt like I had no value to someone I cherished. Having to describe the support I needed while at a low point felt like asking me to get up and go code a robot to perform a task for me, which essentially feels like having to take care of myself because no one else is motivated to love me when I have needs. I wanted to have a partner who was intrinsically motivated to observe me, learn my needs, and bridge the gap when I didn't have the capacity. So in moments like in this skit, I felt taken advantage of, alone, and unseen. I also felt so stupid, like I must have had no self-worth to choose a partner who didn't provide the support I needed. So then I got angry. Anger is meant to protect you by telling you when your boundaries have been crossed. My anger in those moments was saying that I had worth and dignity and deserved to be valued and given reciprocity in relationships. But I can't control the other person, so that anger is just frustrating and doesn't lead to any real solutions other than "end the relationship and find a partner capable of meeting your needs or at least capable of figuring out how to grow to meet them without putting the burden on me"

But leaving isn't easy either. The intention and the love that I hear in the autistic person pulls at my heart. The skills aren't there but the desire is and that means something. But how do you handle it when it means something but it's not enough? It's miserable loving someone who can't meet your needs, especially when you work so hard to meet theirs. When you love someone, it feels like all the sacrifices you make and the effort you put in is worth it, because their delight and comfort mean so much to you. When you don't see the same effort, it breaks your heart to be so invested in someone who doesn't seem to value you or even be aware of you. I never understood why my partner couldn't problem solve about the relationship. My brain was screaming, "It's not that hard. Go read a book. Find a coach. Talk to a friend or family member for advice. Practice these skills and seek them out on your own so that you CAN be there for me when I need you. If you loved me and cared about me and prioritized me, that's what you would do, instead of just saying 'I'm sorry' and expecting that to mean that I will take on all the burden of fixing everything again and again. Put in some effort." Seeing the intention and not the effort, and wanting so badly to be loved by someone who kept letting me down over and over took a huge toll on me. At a certain point I didn't know whether I was being manipulated or they were genuinely lacking competence, and over time, it felt irrelevant, because it felt like remaining incompetent was a choice that they made consistently. The sadness they expressed said "I care about you" but it felt directly in opposition to their choice not to work on these skills which said "I don't care about you." Being caught in that dissonance is it's own kind of hell, especially in the context of a commitment like marriage.

[amberfuchs]

Expecting someone to read your mind is magical thinking and a sign of enmeshment. I suspect allistics are more prone to enmeshment, while autistics are just seeking out some healthy boundaries.

[danyelPitmon]

If I am understanding this correctly when it comes down to understanding grief and somebody else’s pain from my view as self diagnosed autistic I have a hard time comprehending how to help somebody that is grieving and not knowing how to act not knowing what to say and not really being able to understand other peoples emotions and feelings when it comes down to grieving all I do is I just try to go to social cues the best that I can and I just hate it so much because I can’t completely get what they’re saying in the morning but yeah and I usually just freeze up so tell me if I’m wrong or if I’m right or am I just confused but I think I’m right on this one so I just don’t know how to react when somebody has lost I try I act past it I can’t understand what is a person who does not like touch that much and for sometimes who doesn’t understand emotional pain other than my own I’m just not sure I question all the time but yet I do feel extremely empathetic I just don’t know how to convey that to other people very well

[paulwilliams]

I don't know if it's my autism or my ADHD but ... Is that a Jeff Goldblum pillow?

[Marie_me_]

Ok so I’m really trying to understand. Like if I have to ask my bf to kiss me or hold me then I feel it’s not really genuine because as a NT it makes sense that it should automatically be a normal action for someone who is in love with the other person to automatically want to kiss and hold them.
So let me hear more from the ND point of view.