Indiana Jones 5 - No More Heroes

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny takes one of cinema's most charming, optimistic heroes and gives him the Jake Skywalker treatment. Its deserved failure completes the set for Kathleen Kennedy and Lucasfilm. This film makes Kingdom of the Crystal Skull look good. It should never have been made.

Thanks to @ozkii95 and @MrBrownAlliance for help with the editing!

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*Timestamps*
Intro: He Belongs in a Museum: 00:00 - 11:25
Indiana Jones & the De-Aged Face: 11:26 - 14:34
Planes, Trains and Nazi Mobiles: 14:35 - 22:00
Religious McGuffins vs Science McMuffins: 22:01 - 31:00
Jurgen Voller is Dead: 31:01 - 38:20
Indiana Jones & The Prologue of Doom: 38:21 - 41:51
Now I Am Become Plinkett: 41:52 - 47:30
Henry Jones' Moon Landing: 47:31 - 57:02
Helena Shaw Does Not Belong: 57:03 - 01:00:35
Jurgen Voller is Alive: 01:00:35 - 01:08:02
The CIA Has Me on a List: 01:08:03 - 01:10:35
The Moral Clarity of the Nazis: 01:10:36 - 01:17:01
Boyd with the Pistol in the Library: 01:17:02 - 01:27:06
Trigger-Happy Crackers: 01:27:07 - 01:32:00
Horse 1-0 Train: 01:32:01 - 01:35:18
Jurgen has Completed Space: 01:35:19 - 01:38:40
Suddenly, Sallah! 01:38:41 - 01:44:16
Indiana Jones & The Last Flashback: 01:44:17 - 01:47:00
Phoebe Waller-Bridge Isn't Funny: 01:47:01 - 01:51:23
Tuktuk Wacky Races: 01:51:24 - 02:01:14
Don't Trust Nazis (or the CIA): 02:01:15 - 02:04:26
Helena vs Mutt: 02:04:27 - 02:09:07
Puss In Boats: 02:09:08 - 02:12:35
Indy Forgets About Magic: 02:12:36 - 02:17:32
Alas Poor Mutt, I Knew Him: 02:17:33 - 02:24:12
Would You Like to Buy My Boat? 02:24:13 - 02:31:29
Nazis Have Eyes You Moron: 02:31:30 - 02:34:52
The Ear Wax of Dionysius: 02:34:53 - 02:39:13
The Tomb of Archimedes: 02:39:14 - 02:49:44
Let's Kill Hitler: 02:49:45 - 02:57:08
CONTINENTAL DRIFT! 02:57:09 - 03:00:38
Shoot Romans, Save Hitler: 03:00:39 - 03:06:03
Indiana Jones and the Assisted Suicide: 03:06:04 - 03:13:20
And Now Marion For Some Reason: 03:13:21 - 03:16:10
Conclusion: Jake Jones & the Phoebe Waller-Bridge of Doom: 03:16:11 - 03:20:25
P.S. Come On Kathleen: 03:20:26 - 03:32:20

[TheLittlePlatoon]

Thanks to Ozkii & Mr Brown for their help with this video. Links to both channels are in the description. Give them a sub!

Audio might be a bit peaky for the first 30 minutes because I am an idiot.

[alariaaurora]

You know, if 10 years ago someone told me that “in the next 10 years Hollywood will become so shitty that you’d rather spend 3.5 hours watching a critique of your favorite franchise rather than watching an actual movie from that franchise” i’d call him crazy but look where we are

[master_samwise]

The takedown of Disney as the anti-Indiana Jones who simply cannot leave relics in the museum is absolutely poetic.

[Nobody-udou]

I always interpreted "it belongs in a museum" as "it needs to be protected and displayed so everyone can see important parts of the past with their own eyes." I don't think it's hard to see why it applies to old movies.

[Kurai_]

I still can't get over how the nazis' plan is to go back in time and kill Hitler. This isn't even a shark jump, this is a rocket-powered motorcycle doing a triple backflip over a pool full of cloned megalodons.

[tranquilthoughts]

Whoever wants to see the actual Lance of Longinius can see it at the Imperial Treasury at the Hofburg Palace in Vienna. There's also a replica of the lance of longinius that Otto III had made in 1000 to gift to the duke Boleslaw I of poland when he delcared him as "socius et amicus". That replica today can be found at the Wawel royal castle in Krakow.

The actual Antikythera mechanism was found broken into three main fragments all lumped together in one clump. Currently, due to reconstruction and conservation efforts it is broken up into a total of 82 seperate fragments. All fragements are currently in posession of the National Archeological Museum Athens and can be seen there.

[lance]

I always like the way the older films portrayed elderly characters as wise, maybe a bit set in their ways, but able to pass on the benefit of their experiences to the younger generation. Henry Jones, Sr. was such a character. Obiwan was, too. But the new movies have no reverence for older male characters, it almost seems like they resent them and the audience for cherishing them.

[hothotheat]

Makes no sense for a wannabe rebel like Mutt to enlist in the Army. He’d be the last guy to go to Vietnam.

[interregnum_]

"Kennedy won't be assassinated until six years ago" was the slyest line in a video full of delightfully sly lines. Well done.

[paulpascoe]

I think I just noticed for the first time when Sean Connery is holding Harrison Ford when he's trying to reach the grail, that is the one time he refers to him as 'Indiana' rather than 'Junior'. Badass

[teddyharvester]

Another Indy film after so many years COULD have been something. As you've said - bring back Mutt, and as many other people have said - bring back adult Shortround - they could both handle the action scenes, while old man Indy could play the wise mentor role, brain their way out of situations, and generally serve as the repository of knowledge and wisdom. You could even still have him be done with all of it at the beginning but have the combo of his son and everyone's favourite kid sidekick be what brings him back for one last adventure.
But nooo, they needed to have another unbearable KK self-insert.

[canuck]

At least Crystal Skull gave Indy a perfect ending and his heroism is intact so I still consider it canon.

[awesomehpt]

“Just let me die” is that meant to be Indy wanting to die or the little platoon wanting to die after watching that awful movie?

[Betterhose]

1:33:42
My father was a mounted police officer. Police horses go through a lot of training and conditioning so that they don't spook easily.

Mounted police units are primarily used to control crowds of people like at non-peaceful demonstrations. They're supposed to stay calm when people set off pyrotechnics, scream and shout or start throwing objects.
My father told me that they (the policemen) had to stand on the backs of their horses and salute while someone would fire a blank gun.

Look, I'm not saying that this makes the scene believable, let alone good.
All I'm trying to say is that not every horse spooks that easily. Especially when it is a trained police horse.

And in case you, Platoon, are reading this, I'm delighted with your videos, writing advice and humor. I would love to see you analyze a good movie and show us how it is supposed to be done. I reckon you would have a more pleasant experience too, talking about movies (or games perhaps) that you like. Best wishes.

[OLOHEKAI]

How about this:

Mutt is MIA not dead, because he is in Asia Short Round helps Indy to rescue him from the POW camp

[sarcatstix]

Shaw is a wonderful example of wish fulfillment -contrivance fan-fic writing and Mary Sue style of modern story telling.Platoon delightfully illustrates how the film depicts her as better at everything than Indy and especially knows more because of this contrivant photographic memory. Whereas most of the characters of the previous films were educated and did research, explored and understood what they were looking for and thus any repercussions of the ownership/use of the previous artefacts. Ms Shaw simply reads the works of others and knows as much indeed probably better than the olds. A wonderful representation of much of today. ‘I googled it therefore I know it.’ No writers, you really don’t it seems.

[keiichi]

Do they ever explain at any point why the Antikythera mechanism depicted in the film looks pristine and still functional, like it was made the day before, without a hint of patina or degradation? The actual Antikythera mechanism was basically a solid, crusty lump from sitting at the bottom of the ocean for 2, 000 years.

[SammEater]

KK undoing the happy ending of Crystal Skull to make Indy basically have the exact same arc that Han Solo had in Force Awakens shows how much she despises the character and anyone that cared about the franchise.

[Zero_]

The “Kathleen Kennedy - Witch” title card was just 👌 chef’s kiss.

[laurelvanwilligen]

You're absolutely right about the disparity in how we view Nazis vs Soviets.
A lot of it has to do with the vast trove of records that fell into our hands at the end of WWII and the relative paucity of Soviet records available to us.
In many ways, the situation with Mao's China is even worse. It's amazing to me that we even know about the famine of 1959 to 1961.