How to Communicate Needs Without Staying Silent or Blowing Up | #MarriedtoaTherapist

How to Communicate Needs Without Staying Silent or Blowing Up | #MarriedtoaTherapist //

Are you wanting to learn how to communicate needs without staying silent or blowing up? Wouldn't it feel great to feel like you had more than two modes when you're trying to express your needs? If you're riding the rollercoaster of keeping the peace to all out war, this video will show you how to stay steady in the middle. I will give you a plan that you can easily remember when it's time to have those tough conversations.

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00:00 How to communicate needs without staying silent or blowing up
00:47 Can conflict be healthy?
01:35 Three general ways to handle conflict
03:20 Notice when you are feeling stronger emotions
03:42 Stop and calm down
04:06 Identify the emotion
04:41 Practice
05:05 Express vulnerable feelings
05:58 Incredibles clip
10:00 Coping mechanisms
11:30 How to be kind and set boundaries

#communication #mendedlight #jonathandecker

[Mayakari]

I’ve been trying hard to be an affirmer for a long time and I guess the hardest thing for me is to feel like my needs are adequate, that I have a right to want what I want, my journey to healthier relationship patterns comes from a bad place of a feeling that there’s totally something wrong with me because I’m so easily offended, only now I start being more compassionate to myself with all the traumas that made me so fragile.

[hugadog]

The Incredibles! I love this movie. Always found the dynamics and emotions very life-like 😎

[onenanana]

Oh... I need the safety talk. Having PTSD, it's difficult for me to recognize my arousal.

[TheHermitTeller]

Would love to hear more about emotional safety in relationships! I'd like to know how important the tone and delivery of an issue is when it comes to conflict and the role anger plays in affecting emotional safety e.g. walking on eggshells and conflict avoidance as a result of anger from a partner.

[CharredFibers]

This is my sister and me. I'm the avoider. My sister is 100% the attacker. Especially since my mom passed away

[CheezeItzOrBeatIt]

This video came at the exact time I needed it, thank you so much!

[natashafoster]

I'm definitely avoidant with most people. I had to be, in my household. Even my high school psychologist said that, from an early age, it seemed like I was forced into the roll of peacemaker/peacekeeper. But, my mom would also get angry if I showed any negative emotions, so I learned to fake being happy most of the time. And my siblings would get mad at me anytime I didn't want to do something they wanted to do (go somewhere, watch something, etc.). That hasn't changed; they even still resort to name-calling and guilt-tripping.

[Gwenx]

Great, my partner just started a conflict by trying to avoid it haha! I was feeling tired, fed up with they days annoyances and my partner asked me to play a game i have not much energy/interest in, but i thought i could just sit down and chill with it while he played his, but he starts telling me about all sorts of information my head just cant hold and when I'm tired my face is emotionless and my voice monotone, so i ask if i really need all the information to play and i just want to play and not plan so much, and somehow i offend or step on his toes, he closes the computer down, says "sorry for ruining your evening and stressing you out" and i try to tell him he haven't ruined anything and that its okay I'm just really tired and to much information is like overwhelming.
He kinda ignores it and just goes to the toilet, i think that if i continue playing maybe hell be interested and put down the sour face, but 30 min later he just comes in and says goodnight and heads to bed, at 21 o'clock, he never goes to bed early unless he is upset like this..
It annoys me extremely, I'm left to sit alone, feeling like a huge asshole for honestly just being myself, he knows i cant "hold the mask up" when I'm out of energy, i have a hard time putting on a happy face and i get annoyed easy, i was already stretching myself a little and then he just gets into the "its all my fault I'm the idiot" mode and i cannot get him out of that when I'm on zero energy..

I will work on being an affirmer instead. I have to shut up sometimes and not say anything before i can say it in a less annoyed way.

[TAHOEkaleidonaut]

Safety! Past/current trauma can make it hard to create mental/emotional safety for yourself even when you are in a safe space.

How can one move into a safer mindset? And how can others help one do so?

Also, if the trauma is/was that severe, once safety is achieved, how can one ID their wants/needs/boundaries if they weren’t allowed?

Asides what’s been mentioned here, how can one create safety when one isn’t in a safe space, &/or relationship(s)?

[mysam]

It is difficult is when the conflicts you have are with a person who was once an affirmer who turned into an attacker and refuses to do better.

[LilyCat]

This video came out only a day or two after a fight with my partner when I was desperate to try to figure out how to communicate my feelings in a way that could be understood. To figure out how I can better communicate with my partner both in and out of conflict. Me being neurodivergent makes it really difficult to put things into words, so no matter how well I understand it, expressing things to someone else can be... a painful process, if not downright impossible.
This video helped me so much, thank you! ♥

[takanomemihawk]

I would just say, be real carefull being vulnerable with people that did not work (and don't want to work) on those skills. You can get traumatised if they are an attacker.

Especially if you yourself are a beginner affirmer.
Been there done that, it is not easy to come back from it.
(if you have tips, I'll take them coz no way in hell I'll put myself back there with no safety net and I have not seen my stepfather for 3 years because of this. If I do not have a safe plan to do so, I will never get back there, my mental health comes before family on this one)

[Hag_of_Fangorn]

I was in a relationship where my partner could never meet me emotionally. He definitely chose not to develop those skills. Not only would he not meet me to affirm my feelings he retreated with his own so I couldn't affirm his. I suffered a lot of loss, illness, and loneliness within this relationship and was never allowed a safe space to lean on this person. I tried many times, but was always shut down. The relationship finally ended after I discovered he had spent over $10.3K on cam girls within a few months time. He is now in therapy (as am I) and wants to have relationship (in whatever capacity) again. How does someone get over their hurt of being rejected their emotional needs when their ex-partner is finally willing to try?

[crow_feather]

I simply wanted to say thank you so much for this video! It came out right at a time when I need to draw my own boundaries with a friend of mine, but haven't known how to do so in a manner that's truly healthy! So, I've been avoiding the situation, not really sure what to do...until this video came along! Thanks again! I now know how to move forward in a manner that is truly healthy! Here's to hoping that he's willing to do the same!

[kedeek]

I'm saving this video, I will need it again. I'm 20 years old, & have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I blow up after keeping my needs, wants & the problems inside then I feel the anger & blow up about everything all at once.

[milano]

Hey! I've been following your channel a few months ago. First of all: Thank you. Some videos really helped me a lot.
The problem I am struggling the most are the panic attacks every time when my abusive parents are abusing me physically but also mentally.
I am 19 now and I' about to graduate in a few months.
Last time I was outside with some of my friends, we were eating at a restaurant and when I came home around 11pm, my dad screamed and hit me. After he left my room, I immediately closed the door and my panic attack came again. I couldn't breath, I was crying, shaking and felt anxiety.
Should I avoid my parents from now on to protect myself? Is this a healthy way? They both are very toxic, controlling and they will never be able to understand or communicate with me like many other parents do with their children.
My dream is to live a life without having contact to any of them. Is this a solution or should I handle the situation in an another way?

Thank you so much!

[catisuser]

Always excited for a new video from my favorite channel 💅

[donnacorbett]

Is there any Mended Light information about how to figure out what my needs are? The bad metaphor I use is that I feel like I'm blindfolded at a mystery restaurant and I can only eat if I order the "right" thing; but I don't even know what the options are. Don't know if that makes sense at all...thanks for your time and for your hard work creating the trustworthy, reliable and relatable videos.

[Peanuts]

Well it was right there's always underlying emotion that i feel

[proolga]

I am still surprised how much time and effort it takes to rewrite your patterns for behavior in conflicts. I think I have first read about conflict resolution skills like 10 years ago, and I have made progress since then, but gosh it is hard not to slide into the deeply learned fight reaction, especially if things get heated.