why venting is always a bad idea

#psychology #communication #venting

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Studies mentioned:

0:00 We’ve all been there…
0:54 (1) Why you vent
2:00 (2) Why venting makes you feel worse
7:05 (3) How to actually help someone who’s venting
18:23 (4) Bonus tips + what to do when you vent
20:15 Outro rizz

[NewelOfKnowledge]

Thank you for your time & attention :)

Full video notes with calibrated questions here:

See you in the next one!

Lew

[dwightschrutebeetfarms]

Dang, in our circles, we don’t start by giving advice. We just let them vent. Then we take turns listening to each other. Hearing sob stories and showing empathy but also expressing logic has helped us. I’ve helped a few friends out of hard situations by giving them ideas and perspectives maybe I’ve seen firsthand. I’ve even solved my own problems by venting and then having the other perspectives given to me. Are we the only ones?

Edit: isn’t seeing a therapist basically venting about things that bother you and finding out why they bother you? Solving problems you don’t even know that you have? Also I DID write this before I watched the whole video 😅

[paparadeliko]

I like listening to my friends vent if they are going through something

[beeb]

I actually don't mind people venting to me, but also just like watching people, be people and not everyone is like that.

[jmadisthinking]

I vented to a random lady at the gas station, now we cool af. Being vulnerable makes friends :)

[jonnystoffel]

4:35 The very instant I thought of a cat, my cat leaped into my lap. So I failed the exercise but discovered a new super power.

[NBirdwatching]

this reminds me of Berne's transactional analysis - parent-adult-child. like when someone vents, they may speak from their "Child" mode, perhaps to seek care from a "Parent." so an effective approach might be to offer empathy (providing care to their "Child") and then redirect the interaction to an Adult-Adult level by engaging their rational side.

[ThatIrishRose]

LMHC here — I watched this with a little trepidation at first, but the entire video quickly put that trepidation at ease.

A bit of nerdy neuroscience as to why trying to meet their venting with logic (and that includes internal venting to self) is an unproductive idea: those emotions are a subcortical process. The prefrontal cortex’s job is to inhibit those processes. Trying to “logic” the emotions can cause them to shut down before they’ve had a chance to discharge properly (think shutting off the power to a house before you’ve had a chance to properly close out programs on your computer).

The validation and calibrated questions is a great way to help facilitate the discharge process 😊

[masteryi]

I've actually never been there, that I remember of (wanting for the person to stop venting). I like to listen and let the person vent if they feel like expressing that. Certainly has helped me, I'm sure it has helped others as well. Nothing wrong with just showing validation and empathy without actively searching for solution. If it leads to unnecessary rumination of anxiety and pain, then sure there's better ways. But I don't think it's always going to lead to ruminating or negative loop. It's more about experiencing, practicing and expressing emotions, such as anger, in a healthy manner, and the other person being present with you. So I'll respectfully disagree on it always being a bad thing.

[infinitezebra]

I needed to talk and vent out my grief, it made me physically ill to hold it in but I didn’t have accepting people to talk to. I got a therapist and went to grief groups and it felt safe to speak it out and actually receive helpful feedback on how to overcome it. Most people give bad advice or don’t respond the way we want them to, it can keep us stuck. I just listen to people now without giving much advice at all because it is a waste of energy. Some people just wanna keep bringing up the past and why life isn’t working out, not have actual solutions. Great video.

[ArthurHuizar]

"You probably didn't just think of a cat"

don't underestimate my ability to follow instructions very literally

[Clare-ls]

Thank you. I now understand how I get it so wrong when my daughter is venting to me. I will be practicing on myself first to learn the technique.If only I had known these techniques earlier in my life!

[eyespy]

This reminds of a funny video from a few years back, where a man and his female friend/partner are sitting on a couch, and she’s venting to him about this particular problem that’s stressing her out, causing her mental and physical pain, and clouding her thoughts. As it turns out, she has a nail lodged in her forehead. The man attempts to tell her several times that it’s the nail causing all of these problems, and if she just takes the nail out she’ll be fine. However, she constantly interrupts him, refusing to listen to him, and repeats that she feels like she’s not being heard by him.

😂

[niktrivo]

You showed at 6:18 how sharing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event can lead to this negative circle. But shouldn‘t it help to talk about traumatic events in order to cope with them? Shouldn‘t bad thoughts or traumas have room, so we can process them and get rid of them in the long term? Because stuffing them in your unconsciousness isn’t the solution either. Correct me please if I’m wrong. Would like to hear your take on it. Btw great video as always :)

[livrowland]

Is there a difference between venting and just calmly telling a good friends about some problems you're going through if you're going through tough times? Seems you should be able to share if you've got a lot on your mind (I don't mean ranting for quarter of an hour about a parking ticket..). Are you saying you can only talk about positive/happy or neutral things with them? Is genuine communication not important..? Edit: interesting video, thank you, some good points to consider, have finished watching it now.

[PinkWytchBytch]

I feel like I needed this today, as a nice reminder to handle hardships better. Gotta call myself out for this one, sometimes I just have a good vent session, and I understand that there’s a fine line between “hey can we talk I’ve got something on my mind and I need someone else to hear me out” and then there’s [insert three hour rant about personal issues]. I’ve come to think that about 20-40 minutes is the max a vent session should reasonably go on, both for your own and the listener’s benefit. And that’s entirely subjective, that timeframe can be different for everyone

[carnigoth]

Do the studies even distinguish if the venters were allowed to vent around safe people? It makes a difference if you are met with belittleling and invalidation. Also, isnt therapy mostly venting?

[borderlesscuriosities]

I was disagreeing with the beginning of this video, but once you moved onto *how* to vent better and be a better listener to venters, I love how you explained it!!

I have countless stories of me venting to strangers and them giving me insight and advice which helped a lot and made me feel so heard and seen. I also have countless stories of strangers venting to me, and through their venting they either gave me awesome advice as well (sort of cautionary tale type of advice) and I’ve also had people tell me that my advice triggered an epiphany in them. Most of these happened while I was traveling (I lived as a backpacker & nomad for a few years throughout 4 different continents). Yes, I can also look back and think of how embarrassing or annoying I acted towards some of those people (and them towards me), but the benefits outweighed that, most times.

When it comes to the venter, the key is absolutely about *who* to vent to and *when*.. don’t vent at a party or special event, don’t continue venting to someone who’s clearly trying to stonewall/ignore you or looking for an “out” of the conversation, and don’t vent unless you genuinely haven’t vented about that topic before and need insight, and don’t vent about your cautionary tale to someone who doesn’t need that advice.

I also think it’s about *how* you vent. If you’re just saying “this is so horrible” “that girl was so perfect and now she’s gone” etc, that’s very negative and it only really leaves the listener with one option—to empathize and comfort you. Instead, it’s best to vent with introspection and genuine questions towards the problem. “My girl left me and I don’t know why I can’t get over her, it hurt so much and I don’t know why I’m holding on so tight, because the relationship clearly was not healthy” opens up the listener to be able to give much more nuanced advice or support than if you just said “I’m terrible and pathetic and nobody loves me”.

[slowlife]

I think unless you’re a professional of some sort (doctor, therapist, financial adviser, lawyer), you should NEVER start with where YOU want to lead them. If they are coming to you in distress, you should find out (or help them find out) what THEY want. If I had a friend or family member, and I’ve had my share, who is leading me towards what they want me to do, it never helps, and has over time led to broken relationships. It’s hubris to think we know better than the other person what they need or want.

[r.]

When you vent, other parts of your brain process the information and help you find new solutions to the problem. So does the advice of a willing ear. Even if their advice isn't right, a brainstorming session can ensue, and solutions abound.