Toxic or Not? (500) DAYS OF SUMMER

Are Tom and Summer toxic… or not?

Licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright take a look at (500) Days of Summer and question if Tom and Summer are toxic or not. In this series, they investigate if movie relationships claimed to be toxic really are and what “toxic” actually means. Jonathan talks about Tom’s immaturity and how it defines his failed relationship with Summer. And Alan talks about the mind-blowing miracle of love.

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Cinema Therapy is:
Written by: Megan Seawright, Jonathan Decker, and Alan Seawright
Produced by: Jonathan Decker, Megan Seawright, Alan Seawright, and Corinne Demyanovich
Edited by: Emily Colton
Director of Photography: Bradley Olsen
English Transcription by: Anna Preis

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[trinaq]

One thing to note is that when Tom was describing things he loved about Summer, he only mentions superficial qualities, such as her eyes and hair. When he was angry with her, he declares that he now hates the same qualities. Part of Tom's arc is realising that Summer is a really person, not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and this is solidified when they meet again, and he sincerely wishes her well.

[iPyroNigma]

Number one lesson for a crushing teenager:
"Just cause they like the same bizarro crap you do, doesn't mean they are right for you".

People are significantly more than the things they like.

[marybonner]

It is such a anti rom com it's such a breath of fresh air especially at the time where rom coms were a dime a dozen romanticising toxic relationships such as this. And considering the madness of the marketing of the Colleen Hoover movie out at the minute we still have a ways to go.

[SamwiseLovesJesus]

Sometimes I watch Cinema Therapy videos despite not having watched the movies. I probably should watch more movies tbh 😂

[stephenbradford]

For me, the “message” of 500 Days (if I have to pick one) is that the worst heartbreak of your life doesn’t mean the end of your life. As a twenty-something single loser, that was a message I needed.

Doesn’t hurt that 500 Days also got me to question some of my own questionable behavior towards women.

[Braddicusfinch]

Starting to grow up is realising Tom isn't great. Really growing up is realising that Tom and Summer are both well-meaning, flawed people and are a classic example of avoidant and anxious coming together in a way that is harmful for both, Tom refusing to take responsibility for his own feelings, and Summer refusing to acknowledge the effect she might have on the feelings of others. The difference is, Summer grows quickly enough to be the first one to realise it isn't working.

I actually think there's an argument to be made that they both have the same problem: They both perceive Summer as the "Manic pixie dream girl". Tom perceives her as this because then she's the cute, quirky rom-com girl of his dreams that he refuses to see as anything more complex, and Summer sees herself as that because it allows her to create walls by using her random quirkiness and aloofness to keep people away, which I think is evident by how she gets more sincere throughout the film

As for the ending, I don't buy the interpretation that Tom goes back to square one

[chelseaparrott]

I agree that love is less about having similar interests and more about having similar core beliefs and principles. Summer stated very clearly she wasn't interested in a relationship and Tom literally only wanted a relationship. Two people can be great people but awful for eachother.

[CrashHulkman]

He worshipped her, or rather his perception of her without ever getting to really know her. He never asked about her interests. He never really asked about HER in general. We the audience know almost nothing about her. Her whole backstory comes off more like his version of her backstory in his head. She supported his interests, showed interest in architecture, showed she enjoyed some of the same music and such, but he never reciprocated. And she points out at the end how the man she ended up marrying started it all by asking about what she was reading, showed interest in her interests.

[blackshard]

I'm a romantic, a lot like Tom in this movie, but I'll tell you what, I am so glad I've grown up since then. A few years ago, I briefly dated a woman and we seemed to be hitting it off. I really liked her. We didn't perfectly align in terms of interests, but we have similar values and I genuinely wanted to understand her likes and interests. A few weeks into the relationship, she told me she liked spending time with me, but she didn't see see a place for me in her life full-time. She could tell I was becoming attached and wanted to be sure I understood. I asked her if this was something she could imagine changing over time, because I was willing to take things slowly if it might be different some day. She said no, she didn't think it would change. I thanked her for being honest with me. We've remained friends ever since. There is no way 20-something me could have taken her words as anything other than rejection. Older me recognized it as a sign of respect.

[sassycaterpillar]

I like the callback of "once you know youll feel it" by Summer telling him the same line he told her early in the relationship.

[Skooskah]

Something I really love about this film is that it's clear from interviews that the main writer didn't fully understand how in the wrong Tom was (Tom was essentially a self-insert, he wrote this after a tough break up). But JGL and the director were aware.

It gives Tom's character this kind of sincerity and authenticity that we might not have gotten otherwise. We all know a Tom.

[blkyogiobi]

“Be careful that your subjective perception is not confused with objective reality.”

Words to live by.
Well said Mr. Decker.

[brooklynsalzwedel]

“Insert derogatory gender-based slur” had me cackling for a solid 60 seconds.

[hugomendoza]

People talking about whether Tom or Summer are the “bad guy” miss the point of the movie entirely. It’s a realistic relationship bt realistic people portrayed in a realistic way. That last talk on the bench really hammers home the gist of the movie.

[johnathancooper]

I always loved this movie because it accurately shows how trying to "force" someone into a relationship with you (romantic, friend, et cetera) just makes everyone involved miserable. Even Tom is suffering along with Summer. So it is not worth it.

[stardustbuilt]

I find it interesting that in the beginning, Tom is like “well love is real and it just happens and you know, ” which is a very non concrete or evidence backed answer, then when Summer gets married he wants a concrete, definitive answer as to why she married someone else, like the “it just happened” response is no longer acceptable since Tom isn’t getting what he wants.

Also, it sucks to be upfront about what you are/aren’t looking for in a relationship and someone is like okay cool that works for me and then they try to flip the script on you. I’ve been in relationships like that, or even had friendships like that and it’s like having the rug pulled out from under you because you realize okay they’ve been lying to me since the beginning and they don’t actually like me as I am because they want to change a very big part of me/ideals/etc. My circle is pretty much nonexistent because of crap like that, I mean how hard is it just to be honest and say yes that’s for me or no I’m not interested.

[believethehype]

in 2009 I watched this movie as a 17 year old and it forever changed how I viewed relationships and my role. helped me understand that I was also a problem and it wasnt all my partners faults as to why things ended. this will forever be my #1 and my favorite movie of all time.

[FishareFriendsNotFood]

ALSO: Plenty of people simply prefer being on their own, it does not always need to be born from trauma, and you may not need to 'heal' and then you will want partnership. It's just a choice for every person, and there's no right answer. I've been in relationships, I've been single, there's upsides and downsides to both. Right now, my ideal life is a single life. That may change with time, that may not. Just do you, everybody. 🙂

[enduringbird]

I appreciate Jonathan's nuanced take on going to bed without discussing something. I HATE the advice "never go to bed angry". It's terrible advice because sometimes you need time to calm down and reflect for yourself before you can have a productive discussion. And sometimes fights start at 10 pm and there's no time for that. Plus if you're neurodivergent it can be even worse. It takes me a long time to understand how I feel because my adhd gives me so many overlapping thoughts that it's really hard to articulate just a single thing. I need to reflect and sleeping often brings me so much clarity. I appreciate someone saying that sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not.

[hayleyoesch]

Toxicity aside, love is indeed a miracle. I moved to a different country with my boyfriend at the time, determinedly chose to stay and rebuild my life here after the breakup, and met my now husband years later. I followed love, lost love, and amazingly found the love of my life 🥰