Owning Your ADHD

This short video addresses one of the most important topics in coming to terms with and seeking treatment for ADHD - ownership of the disorder. It is not broken down into time stamps because the topics build each other rather than being discrete ideas unconnected to the prior ones in the video.

I hope you find this useful.

[steceymorgan]

As someone who suffers with extreme severe anxiety I can totally relate to her. I would stop eating for days at a time as a punishment. I worry a lot about my life, everyone around me and pleasing everyone. It's absolutely crippling, so glad she got the help she needed, lovely young lady it's so sad that society has 1 in 3 people suffering mental health issues. I hope everyone seeks help

[jbonkerz]

I didn't even know I had ADHD until 2022 at the age of 36. Yet I have always lived my life with the idea that no one owes me anything and that I have to take responsibility for my actions and inaction. Those were taught to me by my parents from a young age. I may not be some big success story, but I live a good life. Better now that I am receiving treatment for my ADHD.

[junegameart]

Many good points here. But I would add a bit of nuance as well by saying that it doesn't mean we cannot engage in interdependence with people.

So many of my friends with ADHD have tremendous social trauma and are still in this colonial mindset of "I am solely responsible for everything in my life." It lands them often burned out, isolated, shameful, shaming others, counterdependent.

We are tribe animals and don't exist in a vacuum. Sometimes we can support each other and seek help in healthy amounts to push everybody towards the top, rather than fighting a rat race at the bottom.

Yes in the end we have to own our conditions, but it doesn't mean we have to face them alone.

[catherinehoward]

I was diagnosed with combined type last year at 55 years of age. I felt such a sense of relief when I was given information and found out about ADHD. I wholeheartedly accept my diagnosis and everything along with it - it makes complete sense to me.
What I find slightly annoying is my friends and others who do not know me as well, is the “but everyone is like that” comments. No, they’re not - or they might be occasionally, but they do not experience the differences and deficits every day like someone with a diagnosis does.
I am not special in any way, but how I percieve life and react to it is different. I have always apologised for my behaviour and have been a people pleaser for decades. I walked away from 2 marriages etc., etc. etc

[EcoHamletsUK]

I don't disagree with anything that's been said, but before you can own your ADHD you have to know that you have it. I'm only 6 years younger than Dr Barkley, and have just been diagnosed, after working out for myself that I must have it two years ago, and have not got the the stage where I'm getting treatment yet. Now I understand ADHD and how it affects me, I'm doing my best to take ownership. But I can't take all the responsibility for problems in my life, including those that were due to the actions of others, where my attempts to resolve things didn't work because I had no knowledge that I'm different to most people and need to deal with things differently.

And I'm already overwhelmed by the 13 years since I started to discover I may have ASD, that was diagnosed 5 years ago, and not understanding why trying to take ownership of that wasn't working. It's only now I understand it's a combination of ASD and ADHD, but I've got 68 years of damage and taking wrong actions to recover from. I don't feel bad about blaming others occasionally!

[kaitjleonard]

My ADHD is me. It's the only me I've ever known. I'm cool with who I am. Thank you for this.

[JoHouse]

Watching this in a country where ADHD is still way less acknowledged and diagnosed, this somewhat personal perspective from Dr. Barkley seems a bit US centric. In Germany, the "excuses" and "denial of your ADHD" and "You can't have it because XY" are more likely to come from your health care provider. It's slowly changing, but that already leads to people claiming ADHD is overdiagnosed and medication is being overprescribed. At the same time, antidepressants are being prescribed like candy. Just saying, its more difficult to stand up for yourself, own your ADHD and get treatment in this environment. I was diagnosed with ADD this year at 34, but I had to fight to be heard and taken seriously.

[ridhvikg]

Dr Barkley, thank you for everything!
Educating myself about ADHD is perhaps the biggest step I’ve taken to cope with it.

[edecorsey]

What if I own and accept my ADHD, but my family, spouse, insurance and clinicians cannot? I am seeking treatment yet my parents believe that medications are poison/ADHD is just a figment of modern society/going vegan will cure everything? What if my spouse thinks I’m blaming my laziness, lateness, and other character flaws on a concept called ADHD that isn’t really a thing? What about doctors that won’t prescribe stimulants due to excessive (and understandable) regulations and treat me like a drug addict? As a nearly 40-year-old woman these are the hoops I’m jumping through in order to try to heal myself after years of struggling in silence, because for women after all, everything is in our heads and we're just messy and lazy.

[truth-hurts]

Think the difference between me and Justin Timberlake is the access to good therapy and medicine. Here in the UK waiting lists are 5+years. Mental health system is BROKEN. So without appropriate support - it's sometimes difficult to see the wood for the trees.

[GreenSharpieScience]

I have pretty impairing ADHD. But I am also ‘successful’ in the normal sense, I have a degree in physics, a masters in pharmacology and PhD from the University of Michigan in physiology and have published in nature etc although my area is in stem cells and electrophysiology not adhd, but I’d certainly qualify as ‘successful’ in a normal way but I would ask you to read your list and pretend you’re talking to someone with down syndrome or someone with cancer or someone with essentially any kind other kind of impairing cognitive or physical condition. The things you list are true, life is hard and no one owes anyone anything etc. but it certainly isn’t empowering to be told that that’s how you need to learn how to cope with being impaired, just suck it up and ‘fix yourself’ so the rest of us don’t have to be annoyed by your life. This is not going to result in any positive change and worse it’s likely going to lead to the loved ones of ADHD people to doing harm to the ones struggling the most with their adhd.

It firstly assumes that treatment actually fixes ADHD and prevents the ‘bad choices’ that you are suggesting are responsible for the ‘sad’ unsuccessful lives many people with ADHD lead. But it definitely doesn’t. For me personally it makes it just about to the level that I can mask when needed. But despite my intelligence, access to good healthcare and many other privileges, treatment has never been close to enough for me to come off as normal or prevent stupid impulses or talking too fast or chronic time blindness etc. you get the picture. And it has absolutely Nothing to do with me not taking responsibility for my life. Nor is that the case for those who have ADHD who have not been successful. It is not an issue of personal responsibility even though I know full well that’s exactly what it looks like from the outside. I think this is the most important concept that needs to change in the way people look at ADHD.

I know the kind of behaviors you’re talking about, my younger brother fit exactly what you’re describing. And the difference between me being able to pull of the pretense of normal functionality vs him is that his health insurance lapsed and he stopped being able to get his adderall in his 20s and he just kept going with life doing his best. Which is the point. Essentially everyone is just doing their best for themselves. He would get into financial problems all of the time by not paying bills on time and racking up late fees etc, he would be late to work etc many of the exact same problems I would have, only I could clean up the problems a little sooner and stay on top of the issues a bit better because of adderall and having a stable job.

My point is that there is NO difference between those of us with ADHD who have become ‘successful’ and those who haven’t except for luck and circumstances. All of the rest, the blaming others, not being able to make changes (like navigating health care and appointments two things which can be remarkably hard for someone with ADHD despite best intentions and necessity), the lying to make it seem like things are fine etc etc. everything you talked about your brother doing, all of that is just a defense for not being able to manage better. True, occasionally people with adhd fall for their own bs, but it’s always just bs. And when it’s not bs, its depression as a result of the seeming futility of life with adhd, and it is the depression which is stopping the changes from happening to reach a better state of functioning.

My point is would you tell someone with depression or parkinsons or whatever other conditions to not get upset with the way people treat you, or that your life like this is just a choice? No you wouldn’t. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds you’ve fallen for the common ADHD bs that adhd people often tell ourselves and others defensively to keep ourselves intact. It’s not real, the blame and the complaints on the system etc, the blame or complaints may be true or not but they are not in anyway interrupting the process of improving our lives. It’s not the cause of why bills don’t get paid or appointments get missed. It’s just a bs defense against our own overly critical thoughts that were born out of everyone else’s continuous criticisms of us. And yes it annoys the — out of everyone around us listening to us complain when they (and we) can very obviously see what went wrong and had we just not been adhd making adhd problems for ourselves as always that we wouldn’t be in this mess. I do know people with adhd who start to believe their own bs and all of the anger they have towards themselves gets an outlet to go to, but it’s a coping mechanism, from trauma essentially. It’s not the adhd that is doing that, it’s the trauma response. That needs to be addressed separately from the adhd.

Owning our differences and knowing ourselves allows us to make sure we can figure out the right hacks to get things done better and function better in our societal structure. But there is absolutely cause to complain about how we are treated, and the schools and works environments do need to change if we want a functional society that doesn’t outcast members who are different. Ableism is no different than racism or sexism. And while it remains true that no one owes women or minorities anything either, how about we take the moral stand and focus the anger and disappointment you have towards those like your brother and mine and focus it on those not living up to an equitable social contract. And instead let those with ADHD know that yes the system is rigged against us in some very significant ways. And work to undo the defensive trauma responses that are actually the problem as a result of society’s wrongs. From that point the person with adhd can stop getting caught up as much and know in themselves that they aren’t inherently a failure of a human that it’s not because they are lazy or stupid etc. Empowerment will work a million times better than the suck it up and face it life is hard method I promise you.

[OrafuDa]

Blaming others is not a great way to improve a situation. But all in all, this goes both ways. If an ADHD person accepts themself as who they are, then that works best when others around them also accept them as who they are. And that goes for all people, essentially: people with ADHD, other conditions, and all sorts of neurotypicals too.

I guess there may still be ADHD people who are like your brother, Dr. Barkley, and who externalize their problems. And that is not acceptable, and a cause for more problems. But on the other hand, the ADHD people I meet tend to internalize their problems. And that often leads to problems like anxiety and its disorder, rumination and even depression. We know about these. And there is withdrawal from society.

We also know that other neurodevelopmental disorders are relatively commonly co-occurring with ADHD: dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, to name a few. These further limit the ways how these people can negotiate their way to a more successful outcome in society, and own their disorder.

And let’s not forget that the co-occurrence of some of these conditions has only recently, 11 years ago, been accepted and embraced by the DSM. People who had several of these conditions were at a complete loss to identify them correctly in themselves. Our “official” understanding did not reflect their reality … so they and people around them were essentially gaslit into seeking other explanations. (And I may very well be one of the affected people.)

To own our disorder(s), we need to know and understand them, and we need to know ways how to deal with them. These are not at all obvious, all the time.

In the end, I believe, all this comes down to good science, education and understanding … on all sides. (Hasn’t learning about our hard-found knowledge in general been a great tool to improve our ability to adapt?) I do imagine that we need to learn about the differences in people in schools. Because we all are the same, in many ways, but also different in other ways. And as we learn to understand and deal with these differences better, we can learn how to improve the situation for everyone.

One last comment about asking ADHD people to negotiate their way to a more successful outcome. I do not disagree … but the limitations in executive functions make this more difficult for people with ADHD. (There are other disorders, like schizophrenia or ASD, who also make this (much) more difficult, but for different reasons and in different ways.) All in all, I agree that people should try to make the best out of their situation … to the extent that they are able to do it. And as I wrote in the beginning, I also agree that people should stop blaming others, when the problems lie in their own limitations. But again, this also requires that people know their limitations and how to help them deal with them, and that there are opportunities for people who have limitations in central functioning areas like EF (for ADHD) or social abilities (for ASD), and so on. Medications can help, and sometimes they help a lot, and non-medical things can help as well … but they don’t make these conditions disappear completely.

In the end, I agree with what you are saying to the extent that people need to hear this when they are externalizing their problems and blaming others beyond measure and do not learn and accept themselves and work on themselves while having the capacity to do that. But I believe this message needs to be extended to society in general … there need to be accepting as well and provide reasonable accommodations. (This is often possible, even at low or no cost or at a net benefit … not completely without problems, but maybe with “better” problems.) Overdoing the “it’s you!” message leads to the problems of internalizing that I mentioned above. We need to find a reasonable middle ground.

(One example: if gay people still had to solve all their problems themselves, by “simply adapting” to society as it was, then we would not have gay partnerships and gay people would still go into unhappy heterosexual relationships to conform to societal expectations, with all the mental health problems associated with that.)

We need to remember that we, as a society, are best off when we are well informed and able to work together, in the best ways possible, as a whole and as individuals … rather than asking for the impossible.

Edits: for clarity, examples and more about my conclusion. Sorry, I felt I had to.

[AnandMagic]

“Our loved ones with ADHD cannot help behaving the way they do. It is a biological disorder, not a lifestyle choice. It is not simply something they could change in their mind over time if they wanted to.” - Russell Barkley

[Deviliza]

This is more about your beliefs, than it's really about ADHD. I do share a lot of them, but as I'm not American, I can also clearly see that some are even culture here. In DK it's generally a firm belief that schools of course should be acommedating. It's quite more debated how good they are at it and how they should do it. And trying to raise above the culture.. well - I do agree with the world around also having responsibilities towards handicap. Any handicap, and ADHD is one. We as people have a responsibility for creating an environment that is acommedating where that is fairly easy to do. Where it leaves people strugling too much. It's not either or. It doesn't mean the we should not take responsibility for our self, but also employers should be accomdating. As they should be responsible towards the environment and diversity too. But of course we also need to do our part, and try to resolve what we can.

[Indiekid-]

It was difficult to take responsibility for something I didn’t know I had until my late 40s. Something that I have been abused for my whole childhood. Fair enough once you know you have this condition, but for some of us we have had a lifetime of punishment for something we didn’t know we had. Sometimes the damage is already done.

[Jeffur]

I grew up a pretty optimistic and happy kid, especially around 15-18 I had a growth mindset and the self-assurance that everything would work out in the end. I even attended an orientation for that Covey book you mentioned at that age. Not sure where things went wrong, but it became very hard to return to it despite logically knowing that no matter the circumstances, it is the only mindset that offers a positive path forward. I guess I just had one too many honest attempts to do what everybody says you're supposed to be doing and failing, that I gave up trying for a while. I am getting treated now, it's helping me do some things that benefit me and could make it easier to get back on my feet, but it still feels like I am lying through my teeth to rebuild my self-worth.

[Nath-dp]

You forgot the most important point: DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!

ADHD is incredibly difficult to live with, especially without the proper support, and it is ok for people to struggle, and it is NOT their fault! I think Barkley hinted at this, but as someone who has worked with ADHD all these years, he should know the harm he can cause by not explicitly saying this. ADHDers have been blamed for everything all their lives, and they tend to absorb criticism like a sponge. Self-blame and self-hatred should probably be a diagnostic criteria at this point. Personal responsibility is important, but most ADHDers I know have plenty of it, but struggle with having a healthy sense of selfworth.

Final point: while I agree that the blame game is not particularly helpful, it seems hypocritical that ADHDers aren't supposed to blame the world for not accommodating their differences, when, meanwhile, the world constantly blames ADHDers for being different. Also, blaming others for ones own problem is hardly unique to ADHD; Have you ever watched Fox News?

[bryonyvaughn]

Thank you so much for your bluntness. There is such a flood of anti-medication channels here (don’t get me started on TikTok) that it’s easy for people to be sucked into the latest clickbait trends and never realize that meds are literally life prolonging for those with ADHD. Your channel is what got me to go for meds for my son instead of only using occupational therapy. I’m grateful for the research you share and link. I believe it will help my son throughout his lifetime. Thank you.

[esiantwiwaa]

I have always been hugely in favor of taking responsibility for myself my actions, my decisions, etc. That's how I've raised my children as well. I have never, ever in my life enjoyed owning an issue of my own as much as I enjoy owning my newly discovered ADHD. (60; as yet not officially diagnosed) Nothing has given me as much gratification as to understand why I am the way I am, why I behave the way I do, and to finally work towards solutions to the problems that have plagued me my entire life. I have made so much progress in just a few weeks from owning this condition, doing as much study and research as I can, and setting up systems in my life to help me manage it. Also, I see how all of the wonderful positive ADHD traits are reflected, have always been reflected, in my life. More joy in understanding!

And thank you Dr Barkley! You have truly been a godsend!

[nachocheeba]

When it comes to owning up to the decision to stay in treatment, I don't think it's fair to say you have to own 100% of that decision. There may be factors that suffer as a result of getting treatment, such as going into debt to afford therapy when you're health insurance is expensive, going into debt because of health care costs, or having utilities shut off because of wage garnishment in the case of filing for bankruptcy. To this one, the decision is still one of cost vs benefit, and the decision you make is yours, but there is a reasonable amount of blame to be put on those other factors. To this point, I would say to be mindful of whether you could've controlled those factors, and accept when you couldn't (don't take ownership, but allow it to be true without judging it or emotionally wresting with it). In other words, take ownership, but to the extent that you could control everything that you could, because there might be factors you couldn't control. I think it's okay to say "I had to stop treatment because I couldn't afford it; if only my health insurance made it easier to get treatment".