'Respect means different things to men and women'

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A common complaint that I hear from women is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't know how to hold her; they don't know how to speak to her; they don't know how to confidently lead them in the direction of a relationship. And, to the extent that this is true, this is a serious, multi-determined problem. Today I'd like to nominate an underappreciated factor that may be contributing to this difficulty: gendered differences in the conceptualization of respect. The issues that women may be encountering on dates could be men's attempts to demonstrate respect. See my recent episode to learn more.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

#dating #respect #relationship

[psychacks]

A common complaint that I hear from women is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't know how to hold her; they don't know how to speak to her; they don't know how to confidently lead them in the direction of a relationship. And, to the extent that this is true, this is a serious, multi-determined problem. Today I'd like to nominate an underappreciated factor that may be contributing to this difficulty: gendered differences in the conceptualization of respect. The issues that women may be encountering on dates could be men's attempts to demonstrate respect. See my recent episode to learn more.


Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

[prairiedweller]

Women: Why can't men read our minds?

[philliptoone]

Take a ballroom dance class. That will help you learn to lead a woman.

[domingonavarro]

What can possibly go “unappreciated” is that some men just don’t “see” her. It could also be that she has an unrealistic expectation of all men in general. It could also mean that men, receiving mixed signals, opt out of encounters with her, women in general unless they have to. All possibilities.

[Icarianbrother]

When I confronted an ex-girlfriend, because she was flirting with other men, she said that she was just being friendly. I initially misinterpreted it as disrespect. I was able to reframe it into her encouraging me to penetrate other women, so I did.

[RossBarton]

Can we please stop letting women off the hook so easily by giving them yet another weak excuse for their often unrealistic expectations of men? Every 5 or 6 seems to want a 9 or a 10, which is just unrealistic. We need to be resetting these expectations. Women of 30 years ago were vastly different to the women of today and their behaviour was much more conducive to actually forming meaningful long lasting relationships. These days, there are few women left who display such favourable traits. Women's vastly increased options accessed via the internet has highlighted and emphasised the flaws in hypergamy as a mating strategy and the result is plain for anyone in the dating marketplace to see. Lets explore ways to deal with those issues rather than letting women off the hook for their poor behaviour towards men.

[Pauliey]

I simply ask the women in my life "What are things I can do to show my love/respect to you?" And I listen and interpret it and say it back to them to confirm their answer.

I also tell them my boundaries straight up. I tell them I don't tolerate disrespect of me, my time, or energy. And finally, that I value honesty above all other things.

So far, so good on my end.

[srb]

Respect has been thrown under the bus....Mothers have allowed their daughters to grow with less constraints, and to believe that they are the prize to be respected and adored, while at the same time indoctrinating their sons to be good obedient slaves to their future wives.
Result: Stressed mother, miserable ex-husband, confused children. Narcissism rules.

[iotaeta-pi]

My ex-wife had a business-related master's degree. I showed her respect by deferring to her opinion when it came to matters she was well-versed in. That is my leadership style: find capable people and give them what they need to get shit done. I think she saw it as "He's not telling me what to do--he's not a leader."

[anonymousanomalous]

These kinds of complaints from women always come as either immature and entitled or arrogant and self-absorbed. If she can't boyher to communicate like an adult, I wouldnt have anything to do with her. Not as a date or a friend

[briber]

I think it is a bit of cultural baggage that women are even seeking to be respected in the first place.

Women of course want to be treated well. They dont want to be dismissed out of hand. They dont want to be ignored. They want their needs and feelings taken into consideration. They want to be regarded as full human beings whose unique experiences are worthy of being heard.

All of these things are good.

None of them make any reference to or hold any association whatsoever with being respected.

I can point to the history books as to when this discussion went off the rails.

The year was 1967 and the song was Respect, as sung by Aretha Franklin.

You see, while the song is strongly linked with Aretha, it was written by a man - Otis Redding. He had always intended that it be performed by a man as well.

Aretha created an anthem that for nearly 4 generations has inspired women to seek a response from men that in fact they are largely not interested in.

In embracing this song as representativeof their own struggles, they take the word 'respect', strip it of meaning and context, insert their own definitions and then (without informing men of the substitution) require that men show them their respect.

And here we are...

[AlmaVasquezjr]

Respect to a man means obedience.
Do what I tell you, no questions, objections or arguments. Silence.

Respect to a woman
Means the man speaking professionally even when upset. Never raising his voice or doing anything threatening.
Being nice and kind and attentive even if the woman is not dressed to the nines.
Treating the woman as a person not a thing.
.

[artificer]

I need women, in general, to stop the "me, me, me" or we should take them down a peg or two.