Disengaging as a Step Mum for your Wellbeing

Step Family Q & A continues.

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[viktoriyadan]

It took me less than 6 months from moving in together as a blended family to fully disengage!!! The best decision

[Justritamich]

I listened to this again and have decided to slowly but surely disengage. Being a step parent is mentally and emotionally challenging and if you try too hard it will have you questioning yourself. Especially when the child doesn't have any intentions on respecting you and your spouse is torn between the two.

[healmyroots]

I know your advice is for everyone, but it especially meaningful for me as a Black woman to see a Black woman giving advice on this subject. Often we hear "i wouldn't raise anyone else's kids" blah blah from the Black community and to see this is very meaningful for those of us who have taken on that role. Thank you.

[EllieM_Travels]

I was way too hands on in my marriage and it destroyed us. Now with my new partner, I have nothing to do with his parenting.

[AshleyMartin-jvub]

I’m so glad I’m choosing disengagement. I’ll be so glad when the child is an adult and out of my house!

[emilypaiz]

Amazing advise. I’m slowing disengaging from my stepsons life. I have tried everything with him but he always does the opposite. I try to give him advise in order to become a great young man but it has been useless. I’ve been on top on his education and he just doesn’t care he rather be making videos on Tik Tok. I have handled his teachers complaints about him and honestly I’ve tried everything. It might sound selfish but for my own sanity I rather disengage. I rather save my energy for the day I have my own children.

[janeqpublic]

My step kids are all adults and have been since I have known them. They disliked me from the second they met me (not hyperbole), didn’t know me at all, and have treated me with a cold shoulder or disrespect constantly.
Nothing I have done has changed their behavior.
I am not disengaging, I am rejecting them at this point, and honestly, I couldn’t feel more relief and more at ease with this decision.
It’s been nine years, my husband stands behind me with this decision.
I want him to have a relationship with them, but they are not welcomed here.
Their kids are welcomed, but only if my husband is here, because it has already been passed down to them as well.
The grandkids and I do get along very well, but I get reminders that I’m not their grandma…I just get used like I am.
Their biological grandma died over a decade before their father and I got together, so she is in no way the reason why these adults act this way. The reason is because of their relationship and issues with their father, and I am the scapegoat.
No more!
Step families suck!

[LashiaDaniels-hp]

I agree. The way I deal with it is patience and self care. You don’t have to spend your entire day with the kids because the dad has them that weekend. Go get your nails done while they are watching tv. Put your self care as a priority. Also, even if you have money you do not have to spend you money on the kids all the time, tell them you don’t have it. You’re the step parent right ? You do not have to lock yourself away because the kids don’t like you. You are the queen of that house hold. Let the dad pay for the kids sometimes and don’t give your last because it’s not your responsibility. Do not try to be their mom. Just be there and love them as your own. When they are rude, do not reward them for bad behavior. You know how a child can be rude but when they need something they act nice? Well what you can do it reverse the energy without treating them bad. What you do is when they want a snack do not get that for them. Tell them to ask daddy. If the child is young, they understand talk to them as if they are old enough to know not like a baby. Keep it real. Say, “ I know I’m not your mom but I am still you’re step mommy, I care about you. But I’m going need you to have some respect okay because it’s not fair that you want me to buy you a snack but you ignore me, do you want me to ignore you when you want me to buy you a snack?” If you ignore me then I will ignore you too and not buy you a snack. It’s important that we treat eachother right that’s not nice baby”


Talk to the child maturely without getting mad this is an opportunity to teach them and train them to be what you want them to be you have the control.

[LGND]

I agree that disengaging is healthy for your mental well-being as a step mom. I set boundaries, and I stopped feeling guilty about it because some people will try to make you feel bad about doing what is best for your mental sanity.

[rachelmaxwell]

Great advice. If only I'd had this advice years ago! My stepson has dominated my life in the last 11 years. I tried to fix all the problems caused by his parents. Nobody in either of his families were on the same page as me, they're all incredibly ignorant and dysfunctional. I've been co-dependent and unhealthily engaged and attached to his outcome. I was driven by the goal to get him on a positive track in life. My stepson has used me as an emotional punch bag for all of the pain that has been caused by his parents. It's been a crucial learning lesson though, it's been the context for deep personal transformation as it pushed me to my limits and in breaking down I got the opportunity to resolve issues from my own dysfunctional childhood (which were significant). Thank you for this video, I feel like I have just processed a chunk of grief relating to this experience. 🙏💕

[AnisaChyann]

I feel like I should just disengage since the parents are both horrible at disciplining their kids. The mother just got into their lives 4 years ago and spoils them rotten and let’s them have their way most of the time. They live in my house with me and their dad plus my kids and can never seem to get on top of them. They’re becoming teenagers and their mom bought them phones so they can call her anytime something doesn’t go their way.

[MrsShounellc]

I ended up doing it wrong. Although my disengagement happen in phases it still resulted in abandonnent. My approach did not come off genuine but I’m not as regretful as I thought I would be.

[lm]

You can never compete with a previous spouse, who is dead!

[manicmaggie]

My husband's children treat him so badly but he will try until the day he dies. I really don't care if I never see them again, but I will miss the grandson.

[Riley-]

God this was exactly what I needed to hear. Perfect timing, so many videos on how to “make it work” rather than real life emotions and disconnections.

Thank you, so much I’m literally crying because I found something that finally resonates with me.

[shantiafrazier]

I needed this. Thank you for your advice. As a stepmom you feel guilty at times for thinking like this (wanting to make the transition) but it's tiring.

[starahavana]

I was not involved as a step mother from the very beginning. The boy has its own mother and father. So why I should care if he did his homework or if he eats healthy? Not my baby, not my business.

[healmyroots]

My stepkids live with my husband and me full time. He has full custody. Very helpful advice.

[paigehaas]

Wow, every sign that you need to disengage is prevalent in my life right now. Especially my self esteem being linked to the relationship with the step child. Thank you for this video. So helpful!

[nabilahizzuddin]

How to tell my partner that I dont like talking about the child and dont want to know anything about the stepchild progress.Just stop telling me about it.Not my problem