THIS is why you feel so needy: anxious attachment

Key Points
00:00 - Anxious Attachment
00:15 - Anxious Attachment Example
01:24 - Signs Of Anxious Attachment
02:09- Core Triggers in Relationships

#healingjourney #healingfromtrauma #anxiousattachment #anxietyhealing #relationship

[tamitaylor]

This is me. When in relationships I feel so unhealthy because I'm always worried about abandonment. It actually makes my stomach hurt.

[kristilandis]

I love that you are teaching about attachment styles, PLEASE teach us how to overcome them. 😭

[Janne_Mai]

I relate to this a lot. My relationship can't be my secure base anymore because my partner is facing their own issues and has withdrawn. I struggled with this a lot while they were still trying to be there; now they've admitted that they can't. I am trying to refocus on me and work on my own issues and I hope that in the future I can have a secure relationship with someone. I read that something like 80% of your own needs should be met by yourself and I...did not meet that criterium. In a way I feel like this "breakup lite" was a helpful push. I can still grow. Hopefully I get to start therapy soon.

[JBec]

My wife and I both have anxious attachment issues. We both strive for emotional needs, and many times we strive for needs we cannot explain or define. Its irritating to be mad at another person for not meeting a need that I cant say what it is. We are both honest enough and love each other enough to take the time to walk through the anger and help each other define the need and then work on meeting that need. It's a process that is both messy and very but very much worth it to have someone see you and know you.

[Mysticastera]

This was impeccable timing. My current partner asked for space last Sunday and I have been riding the highs and lows of emotional dysregulation. This video makes me feel so seen. We’ve been communicating this week but it’s never felt enough for me. I haven’t made it clear that I feel a certain way but he also has a child he shares custody with his ex wife. So I know his responses will be delayed. It’s just been then constant worry that he will want to end things when we have a regroup next week. This video helped me.

[Sharifzadehh]

F***, this is how I show up in all of my intimate relationships. Gonna cling to “better late than never” for this one.

Thanks Dr LePera for providing so many forms of material. 🙏🏼

[khrystalny_tyulpan]

100% about me! Because of my childhood with avoidant mother and unpredictable grandmother I developed a super anxious brain. I can imagine a thousand scenarios about what my close one is doing while we are separate (even in short periods of time). My body goes into a heavy freeze mode: I cant't properly eat and sleep, cant't do basic things. Another problem is that I don't allow myself to express my needines and don't know how to do it. I constanly feel very ashamed for my anxiety, jelaousy and intention to control everything around me. The struggle is real and being an anxious one is sometimes really hard for soul and body. I guess the longterm psychotherapy and building strong predictable relationship with your therapist is the main cure for people like us.

[JennyNobody]

I resonate. I ask my partner sometimes if he is quiet or grumpy if he still loves me or if he hates me/did I make him upset - im usually also struggling with stress during these times. Thankfully he is secure and I've been able to debrief him on why this happens. He is more than happy to tell me, and physically reinforce with kind touch, as many times as I need that i am still loved and I've committed to managing these insecurities and understanding the normal shifts in personal energy he has so I dont feel i need to ask anywhere near as often these days (it's actually rare now, we will have been together for 12 years in January)
Im thankful he has never shown me how potentially exhausting my need for this has been to him and that I have been able to make leaps and bounds in my progress towards not needing his outsides affirmation... because he has never actually treated me in any way that I should suspect the security of our relationship.

[mellissagalgey]

Yes that's me, people always leave so I totally get it.

[angelacallsforaid]

God thank you thank you thank you! For the first time I don’t feel talked down to about my trauma, feelings, and the way I’ve been dealing with my emotions

[RKTGX]

This video comes at a very good timing in my life. I was quite clingy and needy with a close friend and while she also wasn't perfect, I've put on her a lot to just feel safe. Especially what you said about being needy and being triggered by unresponsiveness. After something that happened which blew up some things onto the surface, i took some distance for myself to really think about everything and observe inwards. The wounds of emotional neglect and abandonment are central and really deep here, and with everything it doesn't help that i was also genuinely hurt by some behavior. This felt like a grief of a bond but a good chunk of it is actually grief of past trauma.
Also for me it was very helpful to learn of the term "Limerence" which is fitting to the anxious attachment.

[maddyolive]

My mother used to tell my sister's and I we were the reason she's still alive today. She used to say really beautiful things about how amazing we were. She also used to have anger problems and could turn at any moment. She would scream and yell and throw things. We were never allowed to talk back and if we showed sadness it would make her more angry- Because we had no idea 'how good we had it'.

[arielsmith]

I absolutely love your shorts you make and just realized you probably have a whole bunch of videos and I was right! Love love love your insight and descriptions. Thank you!!

[KatherineStark-ek]

I resonate with this so much! I am realizing more and more how much trauma i had in my childhood, and im trying to fix it. It is causing my relationship to crumble and i am trying everything i can to salvage it and repair myself completely before its too late. I also have gastroparesis which does not help my mental health and my fear of being abandoned. I have been hypercritical of my partner and the things he does more often than not, and my tone toward him and my children isnt always the best. ive snapped before i realize that something has come out of my mouth and im doing my best to be conscious of what i want to say, but also apologize for my behavior and try show my partner that i do love him and want to be with him.

[graciemason]

I feel like I was parent number two. I would love on my kids but detach when I was going through something usually financial or my own health issues. These videos are an amazing resource. I love them. Helps me mend and repair my relationship to my grown children and avoid making same mistakes with my 11 year old. Thank you for posting these. ❤

[doingthehealingjourney]

Thank you Dr Nicole. This is so helpful. I wrote out the transcript so I could understand better as I'm in so much anxiety at the moment from triggers happening. But I'm facing them with self love and self care for bravery to do this journey. Xx

[trinirivera]

I completely relate to the anxious attachment style. In my case, I believe it’s due to my narcissistic parents, mother more than father. It felt her love was dependent on whether I did what she said. Thank you for speaking about this subject as I didn’t even know about attachment styles.

[anuragbamne]

This was eye opening. I used to get upset if my partner skipped calling me just one day and would miss her if she was out of station. My issues and her own issues eventually put a lot of strain on the relationship and she wound up leaving me for some other guy and now I wonder if I could have done something differently. While there might be variety of reasons for her ending the relationship, my anxious attachment certainly made the situation worse. Thank you for sharing the knowledge and helping me start my journey towards becoming a more secure person.

[AymanPsychology]

00:00 - Anxious Attachment
00:15 - Anxious Attachment Example
01:24 - Signs Of Anxious Attachment
02:09- Core Triggers in Relationships

[Yoshiontop]

Wow I wasn't expecting to cry this morning 😢 this is me 100%. I grew up with parents that were constantly fighting, and were always involved with their own issues, that me and my siblings' emotional needs were always put on the back burner. I always felt starved of love and emotional attention. I'm 30 years old and still don't feel emotionally supported by my parents. This has affected my marriage so much. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and are currently separated. I watched your avoidant attatchement style video before this one, and that is 100% my husband. He has withdrawn from me so much over the past couple years, even though I've tried giving him space. I'm so tired of not feeling loved and that I am constantly "chasing" him, when I'm only pushing him away. I've been in therapy for the past 5 months trying to heal my inner childhood trauma but I feel like I have a long way to go to fully love myself and understand how to have a secure attachement.