4 Aspects of Couple Compatibility

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Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:08 1) Values
4:34 2) Communication style
7:21 3) Long-term goals
10:03 4) Everyday routine
12:25 Conclusion + worst trait for compatibility

[kamilalareau-castillo]

I remember watching your videos on couples about 1 year ago and applying all of your advices. I’ve been with the same guy now, 2.5 years strong and we have a full trip planned in Europe together in 8 months. Thank you so much for your videos, it really really helps :)

[swoonscapades]

RE: Shared Values.

This is exactly why I never understood people who say "never talk about on the first date/early in the relationship" because most of the time they're referring to topics that are considered shared values and I've always felt that those are huge things that SHOULD be talked about ASAP. I personally like to be upfront about those things to potential partners because I don't want to waste either of our time.

For example, marriage isn't for me and I don't want kids. Marriage I can compromise on; if it's important to my partner, I'll do it no problem... but kids is something I'm not willing to change my mind on, so I always make sure to let them know that early on so that if they do want kids, we can just go our separate ways now.

But people in my life have given me such a hard time for talking about religion politics, marriage, kids, etc. very early, they think it scares people off.... so its validating to hear that shared values should be taken into account for relationship longevity & success so I don't feel all that bad for my approach 😅 In my experience, it has always paid off to be upfront about these things.

[Ifedoyin__]

Moral of the video: If you are ready to compromise then you are compatible.

[sbxdoctom]

My bf is one the most relaxed laid back person as compared to me who is always trying to keep busy. I always thought that would be a deal breaker but surprisingly he calms me down to a point of relaxation I never experienced before and I some times Amp him up and encourage different things. The center of it all is the rest of your points. We're both so very compassionate to one another as well as others and even though we understand things differently, when we realized it, we agreed on communication immediately becoming our number one priority. We value our relationship and the positive aspects we bring to each other's lives.

[chrisjames]

Just had an abrupt ending to a 2 year relationship where we had so many life interests and daily habits in common it was ridiculous. Unfortunately, she has a very avoidant style, is extremely emotionally withheld and uncomfortable with any sort of communication that brings up vulnerable emotions. I value over communication, until a deep level of mutually secure understanding gets fully rooted. She was more inclined to keep it light and sweep things under the rug until they explode in to a breakdown. No matter how much I talked about the importance of transparency and developing consistent emotional authenticity, she would continually resort to deactivation and distancing strategies with very little self awareness. I
My thought has been that with so many interests in common, this relationship was very much worth working out. She has a very different mindset. For her, it was mostly all about how it felt from one day to the next. In my view, a very unstable value system. And ironic, given how resistant she would largely be to difficult emotions, and yet relied so heavily on how “it feels” to the detriment of our relationship. Reminds me of another value I hold- trauma needs to be actively recovered from in the day to day, ‘cause it’s going to effect our behavior, may as well make a conscious effort of it, rather than let it take the unconscious reigns.

[denisemacalino]

Re: shared values, thank you! can't be stressed enough. My ex and I were polar opposites but I always said opposites attract so I ignored it. I loved to be out and about and travel and meet new people and he loved staying home and being cozy and with familiar people. We fought over it all the time, whether it was him not wanting me to go out so much or me forcing him to come to social events with me. It could have never worked out in the longrun even if I felt like we were soulmates.
Now I'm with someone who values spontaneity and adventure and we have been on so many unexpected adventures together. Just like Ana says, you will just naturally gravitate towards people who share your values so this is not something you want to be opposites on

[anon_ya]

1. Values (example: integrity isn’t their core value so behaviors will not align to integrity); Religion/culture alignment

2. Communication style (assertiveness, passive aggressive, are they sympathetic to your style or clashing, how much do you like to talk or leave things unspoken, how loudly or softly do you talk, how blunt you are or how understanding you are of your
differences)

3. Long term goals (you don’t have to be aligned on every goal, but you do need to agree to compromise) lifestyle alignment

4. Everyday routine (sleep/wake cycle, need to complement each other) compatibility does not not equal differences; different diets, when they spend quality time together, hobbies, shared interests (more important than any other factor)

[gabbygabs]

I just went through a breakup this week with someone who I have had many painful breakups with. I’m trying to let this time be the last time - sometimes two people simply are not compatible!! And it’s difficult to accept, especially when you both care about each other - but we do not share the same values or communication styles. Our relationship is full of miscommunication, distrust and pain. Thank you so much for your video, I will be using it to dig deep into this breakup.

[swathi]

Communication style: passivity, aggressiveness, passive aggressiveness, assertiveness?
During conflict management.
How much or how little you want to talk?
How loud or soft you talk?
Blunt or sugarcoated?
Similar communication style.
Sympathetic and understanding of another communication style.

[jaylin]

I recently ended a situationship because he did not want to commit. Told me I was being negatively evaluated for my boundary of no sex outside a relationship. And told me that he didn't want to meet my family.
He had to go.... That's too bad, I really liked the connection we had. But out values were clearly very different.

[northernnightmare]

My girlfriend and I have been together almost 5 years now. When we first decided to start dating I laid everything on the table for her regarding what I want out of the relationship (long term, marriage, etc), and told her that if she doesn't want that to tell me now so we can go our separate ways while we still liked each other lol.

[cardhunter]

There is 5th aspect to compatibility and the last one is Respect! all the points you mention spot on! you just can’t build anything unless you respect one another. Remember the way you start out is how your gonna finish. Overall, great vid just missed out on the respect part from my perspective 🌴

[alexterieur]

I'm trying hard to get my boyfriend to communicate more openly and don't let things bottle up but I'm kinda like that too, so i get where he's coming from but it's so frustrating when i try my absolute best to foster a positive communicative environment and it doesn't work, or at least not like how i want it too. Fortunately we are compatible on the other 3 traits!

[guesswho]

I think there are a few basic things a relationship needs to thrive. Cooperation, reciprocity, affection (in various degrees oc), fun, honesty... Anyone who is too stubborn to compromise on anything, anyone who disregards your attempts to connect, etc. They will not be good in relationships.

[lavendersky]

I am a musician and it's very important for me for my potential partner to have an artistically-minded brain. Most of my family/friends don't get why I need this. It's really hard to find people like this in my area...I think I need to move to a major city. :/

[pretty]

"I hate the sun" vampire confirmed 🖤

[gogocreep]

I just want to point out, that, in the long-term goals subject, compromise can also be translated as negotiation.

[actout]

Hey Ana! Me again! Great video as always! The thing about values is very interesting. You have put safety and excitement (or let's say openness to new experiences, that are not necessarily always safe) on the same level, one being on the one side of the spectrum, and the other, on the other side. I've noticed in with working with clients (and in my own analysis), that once you've achieved basic safety (that being, safety that is innate, safety that is based on your own capacities to defend and regulate yourself emotionally) your start to explore more, and you start to get more open to new experiences.

Even though in clinical literature these two terms are usually opposed, my experience so far has taught me that most people, once they went through therapy, and "achieved" certain levels, start to explore and push boundaries themselves. Maybe in the future, we'll look at these terms not as horizontally opposed, but rather vertically.

Nevertheless, great video I really enjoy it! Big hi from Serbia! :)

[allisong.]

*relationship anxiety intensfies*

… maybe I should just stay single.

[tiagonthego]

12:25, THIS PART!!! And this applies to EVERY relationships. Whether it’s at work, family, sports or anything else. This is definitely something I’ve been noticing in my life and plundering about lately.