If you've done nothing wrong, don't apologize: how to navigate others' hurt feelings

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As we move through life, it's almost inevitable that someone will become angry or upset with us in response to our behavior. However, hurt feels are not -- in and of themselves -- proof of transgression. If your own examination indicates that the behavior in question does not conflict with your moral or ethical beliefs, do not apologize. This can be taken as a confession of guilt and justify additional punishments from the aggrieved party.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Apple, Google, and Spotify.

#apology #guilt #selfrespect

[michaelmoss]

I've recently learnt a clever "hack". I've always been over apologetic. Like if I'm 5 mins late, "sorry, I'm late." I now replace "sorry" with "thank you". "Thank you for waiting for me, lets get started." 😄

[dustinquinton]

My ex wife never said sorry because she never thought she did anything wrong. One time I had to explain to her that she broke my trust. She didn’t think that she did anything wrong, but on the other hand, she also was never accountable. We were going to a therapist at the time and he told her that she broke my trust. She still never gave a sincere apology. Not being accountable was one of the reasons for the demise of our marriage.

[sststr]

That an apology is an admission of guilt is hugely important. There's a reason why certain ideological movements demand apologies, and it's not to help some allegedly aggrieved party (usually an abstract group and not any specific individual(s)) feel better about some hurtful thing you said about them, but rather to be able to punish you further and harder for ever having said the thing in the first place.

Refusing to apologize typically results in the accusers leaving you alone, because they know you (in most cases) didn't really do anything wrong, and they can't convince the public to go along with persecuting you further if you won't admit to any form of wrong-doing. But admit to wrong-doing, even if you didn't do anything wrong, and now they have all the justification they need to get the public to go along with their continued punishment of you.

[modickens]

Excellent video and logical points. It all boils down to standards and self respect. There's a saying " apologize when you're wrong, not when you tell the truth." I've lost friends because I wasn't always tactful, and had no problem apologizing when my behavior conflicted with my own standards. However, there are people who gaslight and when called on their behavior, or given a proper tongue lashing will play victim, say you hurt them, demand an apology, etc. Those don't get an apology. Why? Because respecting myself and telling the truth doesn't conflict with my morals or standards.

[izawaniek]

Absolutely true. If you did not do anything that would violate your morals and values, do not apologize. Such an apology will be fake as clearly not grounded in truth and as a consequence it will only make matters worse. Thank you for your expert advice.

[someguyusa]

I was betrayed by some family members in no small way a year or so ago. I returned from the military to my hometown, and me and my stepmom and and two aunts came to an agreement that I would take over my dad's house (he died of cancer). So, I adjusted my actions toward that end. Well, after two years waiting, we had a meeting wherein we reaffirmed the plan, then suddenly a month later they call me saying they changed their mind. They decided to turn it into pasture instead. Now it's all clear to me. They were working in conjunction with my cousin who wanted the land, as it's all part of a larger farmland area, for his farming business, and I had sold other portions to him finally. Two years of my life efforts just wasted. I told them how this was a massive betrayal and that I can't trust them after this. They said they were sorry I felt that way. I promptly told them to go to hell, and cut them all out of my life.

[samathastevens]

"Go pound sand!" LOL I had a long term relationship with a man who's feelings were always getting "hurt". Sometimes I couldn't understand why. So I would ask him "Why does bother you?" Then there is a reason "because my mother did and this is so much like that." So it was baggage that I started to make note of and not open. Eventually I was tiptoeing around all these little "mine fields". I had suggested couples counseling about 3 times in the relationship. I felt I was not that good in a relationship either and had things to learn also. This was always met with a "no." I will say that I learned quite alot after leaving this relationship! Just reflecting solely upon my own behavior. And some things I needed help with a therapist to understand about myself. Now if I go on a date and someone complains about anything and everything all night, then I know it's not the person for me. If they treat others rude, that's a deal breaker!

[roudyhambone]

One of the biggest mistakes i made was constantly apologizing to a significant other..i made peace to keep the peace. Even if i didn't really think i was wrong.. This builds resentment n grows on you like a toxic weighted blanket! All the times you said yes/ok when you really mean NO!

[histaminfo]

I think hurting someone is something that most people don't want or feel regret about because they care about another person's feelings. I think something nuanced like "i do not regret my actions, but I do regret that they caused you pain, because I care about you" could be an empathic response where you show you care, but you don't betray your own experience and decisions in the event. When something falls over my feet, I feel sorry/regret people got hurt even if I did not mean to put my feet there or made no technical mistake. But I didn't want that to happen to that person so I show my regret out of empathy. I think there is no black or white apology or no apology situation. I think you can show empathy (if you feel empathy) while honoring your own experience

[RASKORPUS]

I have a co worker who I sat next to. She was very dirty and disorganized on her desk. She would often leave fast food garbage on her desk for hours and hours after eating it. She also seemed to horde pop bottles. Sometimes things would end up on my desk. I’d tell her directly, do not leave anything on my desk or let any of her papers cross onto my desk. She couldn’t keep herself clean, so I had an opportunity to move two desks down from here. I’m glad I did. However another person moved into the desk space between me and this other girl. On almost the first day of work, this new guy left his pop bottle on my desk. I said don’t do that and moved it. On 2 other occasions he left garbage on a small filing cabinet we have between our desks. I told him this is a shared space and not to do that.
Recently he left some papers and coffee on the file cabinet between us and was doing marking on the filing cabinet.
I had enough and said,
“Can you not keep your stuff on your own desk? “
“You need to clean and organize your desk before you start taking up other areas. If you can’t do that, go do your work somewhere else.”

He complained to my boss. I was talked to and I eventually got a not from my doctor saying the environment was causing me a lot of stress and it needs to be addressed.
I don’t think I owe them an apology. But I’m waiting to see what my boss thinks. I’d only apologize for speaking harshly to him, but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

[agape]

I think if both sides did some self reflection we wouldn’t experience much conflict.

[matthewheisterman]

Agreed, I can’t agree more, Exactly.

[stevenheintzman]

This video helped making a decision wether or not asking for apologies to a family member but now I think I’d feel better not telling her anything because she is demanding it and I don’t feel I did something extremely wrong

[TEHUTIVISHUZRa]

Doc always dropping knowledge like meteors

[parkerstoltz]

@psychacks … if an individual offers an “I’m sorry you feel that way” statement rather than taking accountability for something that is universally viewed as wrong, then how should it be handled by the individual demanding an apology?

For example: a driver runs a stop sign and kills a pedestrian in the process, then tells tells the victims family “sorry I hit them” rather than “sorry for being reckless”.

Alt. Example: a man catches his wife cheating and his wife tells him “I’m sorry this upset you” rather than “I’m sorry I’m not faithful”.

[Bucephalus]

And what would happen if you did that to your spouse? Sometimes, you gotta meet half way and understand that while you might not have meant anything by it, the perception of the other person matters to you. It doesn't hurt my pride to apologize just to grease the wheels as my wife does it to. It's like a consultation prize to just know that the other person is giving you lip service and throwing pride aside.

[ivangutowski]

But WHAT do you say !!

Fine, don't apologize, but then what, they are still accusing you of stuff - you just end the conversation?

Yes I am conflict avoidant, my ex was cheated on before, any time a woman waled past us she would accuse me of cheating and looking. It got to a point where I literally looked at the ground, apologised over nothing and she belittled me all the time. I ended up leaving as whatever I was doing clearly was not making either of us happy.

But what do I do, just say.. i'm not apologising - if I asked her to apologise for accusing me of something I didn't do, she would just insist I was. I don't get it...

I understand your point but without some other solution or option, I don't know how to improve, thank you

[TheSenseiWoe]

Helps A lot Actually! Someone Is Demanding An Apology From Me When They Were In The Wrong The Entire Time! I Spoke Fluently And Thoroughly. They Didn't Like What I Said Because They're So Used To Bullying In Confrontation And I Decided To Stand Up For Myself. Now I'm The Bad Guy Needing To Apologize!? Today's Problems, Tomorrow's Lesson.

[emZee]

For me this is something I absolutely must stop doing

[johnnydaugherty]

So how do we know we are actually justified in not offering an apology? There are people who do wrong but because of some mental illness (such as narcissistic disorder or bipolar) or just plain lack of self awareness, can’t actually see that they are wrong. How do we know if that is us or not? Like, maybe I know I have some mental illness but how does one know if they are aware enough to hold a boundary like not apologizing?