4 things you should never say to someone struggling

There's an epidemic of unhelpful responses when someone opens up about their struggles. My take: Most well-meaning people inadvertently make things worse because they simply don't know what to say.

When we see loved ones suffering, it triggers distress in us too. Our instinct is to quickly make their pain go away, for our sake as much as theirs. But rushing them through emotions or invalidating their fexelings creates isolation.

I want to look at four common unhelpful responses, and give you some new tools to use. These tools also apply to your self-talk - be your own supportive friend.

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[em_m]

When people say "everything happens for a reason" it's just a euphemism for "the universe is fair, you deserve every bad thing that happened and then some, now go away".

[GingerBiPolarBear]

I can add two.

1. Do not promise to do anything for the person which you dont want to or are not willing to. They do not need more disappointment. Rather offer to do small things you know you will do.

2. Do not say "let me know if you need anything or i can do anything for you" and then disappear.
Firstly because you won't be willing to do "anything" for them...see point 1. And secondly because that person may not have the motivation to call you and ask for something, or they might not know what they want or need, or they might feel like a burden when they do.
Please do follow up with them at an appropriate time and ask whether you can do X, Y or Z for them. Think of things you'd like someone to do for you in their situation.

[mbvbac]

The one I find annoying is ‘This too shall pass’. If you’ve lost years of your life to depression, it begs the question: ‘Yeah, sure it will pass, but when? Next week? Twenty years?’.

The ‘have you tried going for a walk?’ one is what my father says to me every phone conversation. While it might be helpful, it doesn’t address not having the motivation to do anything or what’s causing it.

[Maggies]

I’m grieving after sudden loss, and my life will never be the same. Dr. Scott is right about not rushing, invalidating or making the person feel more alone — and that includes us doing these things to ourselves.

[susanhills]

Trying to think positive when you have anhedonia, depression and ptsd flashbacks is nigh on impossible!

[sharminiserasinghe]

It's best to avoid people with no empathy when you're feeling down and depressed.

[littlewillowlinda]

I have had people say things like 1. What’s wrong with you 2. Why are you so intense/negative and 3. You’re not trying hard enough, and these were from people I thought were close friends. I’m sure there’s worse that others have heard but what I’m trying to say is, I don’t understand how people can kick a person when they’re already down…

[lailanitukuafu]

I've actually learned to really hate it when people say "You're not alone" or "Everyone is struggling with something". The latter (as a response to someone opening up about something they're going through) minimizes a person's unique experience and also kinda implies that they're being dramatic.

The first one is really tough for me for several reasons. For one thing, it's so widely accepted as a good response so EVERYONE says it. I know it's always said with the best of intentions so I don't feel like I can tell anyone that it bothers me. Ironically, that makes me feel more alone. But I think the biggest cause of my frustration is that it's ALWAYS an empty promise. It's always "You're not alone, I'm here for you" before proceeding to leave me alone. Dr. Scott is right in that I want to know that I have someone's support. But that saying has gotten so cliché and it's lost all its meaning. People say it all the time but in my experience, they never actually do anything different.

[susanhills]

I have ptsd and depression.I keep being told not to worry! I say that I am not worrying, them....

[debbiekillewald]

Telling someone that they're choosing this is really not helpfull at all either. Sometimes people have to process their pain.

[dotcassilles]

The one that hurt me the most was "I believe that you believe that XYZ is happening". I had been very vulnerable, telling my background to a therapist and that I was struggling physically and mentally because my family don't believe anything is going on (they have called me lazy etc, they don't see me on my bad days, I'm basically house bound because of chronic health challenges).
The way the words were spoken came across as though the therapist thought I was lying, exaggerating or being dramatic or that I was having delusions and being paranoid. I won't go back, I no longer trust that person.
The conversation that pushed me to start writing a book is "you just need to learn to live with it" followed by "just get up and do whatever you want, you can if you want it bad enough, you just get up and start"
I am living with it: a list of chronic health diagnoses and symptoms still waiting for diagnosis. I am recovering from being bed bound.
Helpful phrases (for me) included "I believe you" without any other words added. Another said "you are allowed to feel however you feel in this moment" and "don't rush thru your feelings, feel them for as long as they exist". I know my mood and emotions will change, as long as I feel them moment to moment and not fight or hurry them.
Blessings from South Eastern Australia, Dot

[danielafraser]

Brilliant! ❤ I have come close to being extremely rude when someone told me to go for a walk when l could hardly get up! Really? Thank you for this .

[catmccabe]

I had been through a decade of difficult circumstances, and had reached emotional and physical burnout and had to give up most of my work to start to recover. One of my clients, at the end of my last shift with them, said "life is what you make it you know. "
I felt hurt, unseen, misunderstood and dismissed. So yeah, they thought they were being helpful, it was anything but...

[jennyd]

I’m going through cancer treatment. I get tired hearing your’re so strong, you’re so positive. I feel like I have to support others fear of my demise. They really don’t want to hear the stress, struggle & symptoms I’m experiencing. They ask, then stop asking. I go radio silent rather than respond. It’s definitely a balancing act. Thank you 🙏 for this true & helpful video. Thank you for honoring our feelings.

[bobcd]

"it will get better. remember, it is always darkest before dawn". I have had this one thrown at me.

[Amazing_missB]

I have had the worst 2 years of my life in a way- I am in recovery from CPTSD and substance use disorder. AA is completely full of these toxic responses and magical thinking. I have never had my pink cloud. I don’t have “Faith” in a “higher power” who has “my best interest” in mind.

I only believe that I can make the best of an awful situation, not necessarily that there is anything “higher” directing my life.

I’m sick of magical thinking and delusions. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason but we can find a lesson in everything.

But I’m tired of the B.S. and delusional thinking. I’ve found much better support outside of that community than within. It seems to work fine if life gets better when you get sober- mine did not. And a successful day isn’t staying sober- it’s getting out of bed. I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

[grizzlybear]

"Everything happens for a reason" leads me to think I am hexed for life. It is so toxic!

[pamlomeli]

It is my inner negative self talk that creeps in and greases the downward spiral when I feel things are too much. And that “rush” thru or brushing off how I’m feeling or the person I’m sharing with turns the feelings about them or something they’ve experience instead of just LISTENING.

[legend]

I've also heard "aren't we all?" and "join the club" or "you think you've got it tough? There are others going through a lot worse". "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" and "you're just not trying hard enough" are also two of my most hated. So because i dont have a problem thats as bad as some people that i should not feel bad and dont have any problems at all? And my depression, long term unemployment and social isolation and lack of social support are miniscule problems because someone is going through cancer and someone else is living on the streets.

[sherrithomas]

Thank you for this video. I have chronic illness and it is financially devastating and physically crushing. Please don't say, "Just laugh about the money that is always due for medical copayments and deductibles" or "I don't believe you are ill because you are so pretty." As I said, the financial burden is crushing me; and just because I do my hair and put on makeup doesn't mean that I am not in excruciating physical pain. It offends me so much to say to me that I am too pretty to be sick. Especially when people say it after I am discharged from the hospital and in tears from physical pain.