6 Negative Stories You Tell Yourself And How To Change Them

Your early life experiences with your parents, siblings and other people in your life leave an imprint on you that carries over into your adult life. No one’s life is perfect because we are all imperfect people and make mistakes. We say the wrong things, don’t do enough of the right things, etc.
So the imprint that you’re left with is a mixture of positive and negative experiences. If you have enough positive experiences to fill your emotional cup, you can process the negative experiences and compartmentalize them in a way that they don’t dictate every aspect of your adult life. The negative experiences have their place, it’s not like you can’t remember them, but you’re able to shake them off and keep moving.

If the sum total of your experiences were negative or you had some early traumatic experiences that disrupted your normal emotional development, you imprint becomes predominantly negative and affects the way you interact in the present day. So instead of having an emotional cup that’s full most of the time or is easy to refill, you have a hole in the bottom of your cup. You can’t keep it full and often gets depleted.

How does this effect your thoughts and outlook on the world? You develop what’s called maladaptive schema in Dialectical behavior therapy, in this video I refer to is as negative emotional programing. This programming creates distorted stories you tell yourself. These stories keep building and strengthening when your emotional cup gets depleted and you’re working hard to fill it back up.

So here are 6 types of negative stories you can come to believe and let guide your behavior.
Abandonment story
Dependence
Unworthy
Disconnection
Mistrust
Failure

Video Chapters
0:00 Start
0:19 What is Emotional Programming?
2:03 The Abandonment Story
3:24 The Dependence Story
4:30 The Unworthy Story
6:12 The Disconnection Story
7:34 The Mistrust Story
9:18 The Failure Story
11:19 Ways To Break Through The Thinking

Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[therealtulip]

“Children can do a lot of damage to other children.”
I’m a living testament to that. I believe a lot of my negative beliefs about myself and a lot of the negative emotions I experience can be traced back to how other kids treated me when I was a kid. Bullying is not taken seriously enough by parents and teachers. There’s this kind of “Boys will be boys” attitude about it (even though in reality, girls can sometimes be devastatingly mean to other girls too) that shifts the responsibility to the victim of the bullying. That’s what happened to me most of the time, and the truth is I just didn’t know how to handle it.

[KathyBGood]

"You probably need to watch this video more than once." Absolutely, yes!

[aytchdelacruz]

Ugh! Why is it so hard to be human? 🤦‍♀️

[rubysilver]

I’m in my 60s. I wish someone had told me this when I was in my 20s. Thanks Dr. Marks, you’re brilliant.

[shauns]

"If you were blocked from making your own decisions and not being allowed to fall down, you don't learn how to stand back up and be resilient." I absolutely love this. And I love your videos. They've helped me so much.

[tonyl]

I'm done being invalidated. My father, who was barely around me, and (almost) never did anything father's do for their sons, keeps portraying my youth as being "not that bad." He isn't a terrible person, but my inability to acknowledge my childhood trauma or deal with it well into my 20s has left me pretty lonely. My erratic behavior and abandonment issues have pushed people who loved me away. I'm not saying I don't take responsibility, but I'm finally acknowledging that everything bad about my life isn't a result of me being worthless.

[rociogallegossanchez]

"You probably need to rewatch this video to get more out of it"

Me, who has been dissociating the whole time and has had to rewatch it 3 times already to get to the end of it: welp, here we go again!

[adiosepic]

I think I got at least 20 psych sessions out of this one 13min video. Thank you, Dr.Marks for pushing help into channels where it is most accessible and thus needed. Your work is amazing, and so very meaningful to so many people.

[gieevjy]

I must be a mess, because I can relate to every single scenario. After I realized that I succeeded in everything that I put an effort into, I stopped listening to the negative voices. However, there are still moments when those negative stories creep up on me.

[Rodney-]

Hello Dr. Marks,
I am Rodney Frederick and a Graduate Counseling intern at a adult mental health/recovery center. Today I used this (and your follow up) video today in a psychoeducation group today. The clients really appreciated this work. Next year, I begin a Ph.D. Counseling Psych program. You are an inspiration. Thank you!

[oncallempath]

After decades of seeing therapists not a single one mentioned this to me. I’ve interviewed hundreds of therapists on my podcast “The On-Call Empath Show” as well. This is what I needed to hear 25 years ago. Thank you for what you do! I’d interviewed hundreds of therapists on my podcast and many guests would agree with you! Hope to have you as my guest very soon! Raj

[daydrms]

Dr. Tracey.

I had an emotional breakdown in February and quit my day job

Since then, I have really delved into Youtube research.

Your videos in particular are extremely helpful. I'm still dealing with psychosis and working through a lot of PTSD and other common diagnoses.

However, I wanted to give you props because I am learning how to use these tools and diagnoses to my advantage. Eventually I will go back to college.

Thank you for everything you do! Highest regards.

[gybx]

Even seemingly small positive reinforcement helps me.
I can look around my house and find "little good things" when I have negativity.
My flannel pajamas are good, my guitar is good, and so on.
Just acknowledging the little good things in life helps.

[danielmurray]

It can be so deep and for so long, that it makes it impossible to see anything of this as negative self talk in the first place.

[drizzy]

I have broken into tears while watching most of these videos. They are so soul touching. I feel like she has gently peeled back the many layers of calloused emotions and applied a salve of compassion and knowledge. I feel so much better after listening to and looking at her. Doc is very easy on the eyes!

[maggieshort]

She has such a comfortable voice to listen to that I’m already calming down!
Thank you.

[rachelg]

Lol me with my ADHD and depression "I DO need to listen to this again to get the most out of it, and maybe take color coded notes."

[amandaforrester]

No one DOES look out for your interests, expect for you. Trust is the most valuable thing you can give away. It's earned.

[raina]

I came into this story expecting that I'd find 2-3 of the negative stories I tell myself. Well, guess what guys?! I tell myself ALL of these stories!

[PS-xbhc]

What you describe is exactly what I'm working with my therapist. For the first time in my life I'm learning to be more compassionate, learn to connect with myself and stop the codependence. It has been so worth it to observe myself, set boundaries and stop the control. Thank you Dr. Marks!❤