What OCD Is Like (for Me)

In the video, I talk about my life with obsessive-compulsive disorder and a bit about how I came to write my forthcoming book, Turtles All the Way Down.

----

[NickiNicki]

"Am I actually the captain of this ship I call myself?" - This is such a good quote that relates to so many mental illnesses.

[monochromatic_melodramatic]

"People with mental illnesses can still get treated and live full and vibrant lives" Can someone please help me believe that?

[SapphireSparrowFilms]

"I don't feel like my mental illness has any superpower side effects."

As a creator with depression and anxiety, I feel this so much. So. So. Much.

Looking forward to the new book. DFTBA.

[anno]

Ocd is to be strangled by a thought! What a perfect description of this condition I recognise it so well in myself.

[BeccaMoses]

As a person with an often misunderstood mental illness, I love this video.
ADHD isn't what it is in most media. It's your brain firing so quickly that when you talk to someone you can't slow down or you'll lose what you're saying. It's not realizing that you're yelling when you think you're calm. It's a constancy of "can you repeat that?" and "sorry i had to say this now" and "wait was that impolite?", but it's so much more that just not being able to concentrate.
It's hyperfocus. It's reading Harry Potter in the space of a month at the age of six. It's finishing a book, needing to pee and lightheaded, and realizing 8 hours had gone past without you knowing.
It's obsessive thought spirals. It's fixation on one possibility that makes it wholly impossible to do anything else.
It's compulsion. It's not being able to put a paper napkin in your lap without shredding it to pieces, or not being able to let a bug bite heal because you need to constantly be picking at your skin.
It's always knowing what's going on with the things you care about, but not being able to remember to brush your teeth in the morning
It's your whole family thinking you're rude because you could never get the hang of keeping your voice down and letting others talk because you have something important to say and you need to say it now.
It's depression and anxiety. It's a year straight of constant crying. It's your first relationship ending because you didn't know how to convey what was going on during your panic attacks and what is and isn't okay.
It's having a 102 test average and a 16.7 homework average because one hour means you can get everything done but 16 means you won't do it.
It's submitting essays that are either 5 pages of perfect argument on one little thing or barely meeting requirements for a topic covering a whole book.

[paperbagprincess]

There is hope, even if your brain tells you otherwise. Depression lies.

[marccercone]

It disgusts me when people say they have OCD just to be edgy. Or any other mental issues like being bipolar for example. Idiots. Mental illnesses are not to be glorified and are serious disability's that some unfortunate people have to experience. I wish you the best with your OCD.

[stephaniemiller]

"There is hope, even if your brain tells you there isn't." Such a great reminder. Thanks John. (Also thanks for answering my question of how to pronounce "Aza.")

[samanthas]

There is so, so, so much hope. Really and truly, there is. I was ten years old when I was diagnosed with OCD that was so severe, I couldn't really function. I was so afraid of "ruining" experiences or periods of my life that I constantly thought, "If I don't shower perfectly, I'll ruin this day, " or, "If I don't run my hand along the back of every chair in this classroom, I'll ruin my next class." I did CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for about a year and a half, and I still take medication every day. Now I'm sixteen. I still consider myself to have OCD, but it doesn't really affect my daily life any more. I take medication and have mild to moderate anxiety, but I no longer cry in the bath because I'm not washing my hair "the right way" and I no longer have hoarding behaviors. I have amazing friends, a high GPA, and I'm pretty happy. Please seek help; it absolutely transformed my life. And John, thank you so very much for talking honestly about OCD and for writing a teenaged character with the illness. I absolutely cannot wait to read TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN.

[NasDaily_]

I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with OCD. Spent my whole life fighting OCD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.

[ensaios]

Am I the captain of this ship I call "myself"?

That's

man, I'm super anxious for John's new book (bet will be great)

[sanjayw]

wow. I completely agree now when people say don't joke around saying "haha I'm so ocd"
I had no idea it could be so much mental torture 24-7. Sorry dude, thanks for putting this video out there man

[realkojitmal]

I have a VERY similar form of OCD to you, John, and this is probably the first time I've seen someone with such a similar version of it talk openly about it, so thank you so, so much for that. I worry about my food and my health ALL the time. I've tried explaining it to people as "my mind shouts at me that I'm going to die" but apparently that's not a good description to help people understand? idk. But it does really feel like there's two tracks of thoughts happening at the same time: one obsessive one that keeps shouting the same thing, and one softer track that's just trying to calm the other one down and hopefully get some things done. It's a constant battle, and it's incredibly exhausting.

I do have the excessive handwashing thing, though I'm getting better at it! But I'm mostly getting better at it because I often used hand sanitizer when outside and I had obsessive thought spirals about not letting it dry enough and accidentally ingesting it and killing off all the germs inside me and then dying from that. So. Yeah. There's that. But I'm learning!

I also have a couple of rules that have really helped so far. One of them is a googling-illnesses-ban for life. I've literally banned myself from googling symptoms and "what happens if-" questions about health. I can only look up diseases I'm 100% sure I don't have, like very specific and weird and obscure things I would've known about by now.

(Final also, before anyone tells me to get help: I have had help, I've actually just finished therapy like a month ago, and though I'm not doing amazingly great, I'm doing much better than a couple of years ago, and I'm doing well enough to be able to manage on my own most of the time.)

[EmptyFeet]

I watched a gross scary video four years ago and for a long time I thought about it every day, practically every minute I wasn't distracting. it felt so silly and pointless but I was terrified of the thoughts and I couldn't stop and I had no idea what was happening. it took me a long time to look for help, and even longer to find a coping strategy that worked for me. I'm honestly only just now considering the idea that I might have OCD because my case would be so...bizarre. there are other things I've obsessed over, but that has been the absolute worst so far.
but watching stuff like this, where someone talks about their experience with OCD that leans strongly towards the Obsessive, it makes me feel a bit less uncertain. a lot of it tracks so strongly with my experience. I think that's probably really important, so thanks.

[divergentgurl]

John, you have no idea how happy I am about your new book being about a 16 year old girl with OCD, since that's literally me. We probably won't have the same intrusive thoughts, but it's still so great to me that one of my favorite authors has written a book about something so important to me.
Can't wait to read it ♥

[suchaknitwit]

John, you are the reason I sought help for my bi-polar disorder and I will never be able to thank you enough for that.

Medication helps. Therapy helps. Being open and honest about how you feel helps. I hope this helps someone else.

[jadagrisson]

There's such a comforting kind of objectivity in the kindness expressed in this video. Because that's what it feels like when someone acknowledges your pain ( in this case mental illness), it's someone doing you a kindness. + to this video

[KeroKohai]

Caution, I am talking about my experience with OCD in detail.

The thing with having OCD and tumbling down into a thought spiral - for me at least - is, that I begin to wonder if I AM my thoughts. If those intrusive thoughts define in any way who I am and if they aren't maybe the way they are because of some fault in my character. For me, I sometimes have the thought of doing disgusting things, like sticking my head into a garbage can. Not because I particularly want to. In fact, some of those thoughts make me physically gag, but I sometimes wonder if it's because I am a gross and disgusting person by nature. I KNOW that this is not it, but I think it adds another layer of horror to thought spirals. The fear that this somehow means something about you, even if you would never act out on those things and never have, you obsess about: But what IF? What if I do? Whatif I go up to that garbage can and lick it in front of everyone?
And then this becomes the new thought spiral: Who am I really?

Also, I obsess about my physical health in very much the same way John describes his fear about eating contaminated food. I see a mole and wonder if it may be cancerous. And then I find myself googling those things, staring at the mole and fearing for imminent death.

Also, yes. There are the rituals people portray on TV. For me it's clenching my hand into a fist for every corner in the room. Once, twice, and the bad thing you are scared about won't happen. But, oh well. While I am doing it, I know it won't change a thing. This is an exhausting waste of time, but I just am afraid to stop.

I am better at the moment. I sleep well, I function normally. I sometimes have an intrusive thought but I am able to shoo it away mostly. Because of therapy. I went to therapy one and a half years ago and my sessions have reached their end. I can only advice anyone to do the same. They have helped immensely. I often find myself astonished by how normal I feel. Please, Please never give up, if you are mentally ill. I know that it can feel like this is everything you are, but it's not. And you're obsessions and intrusive thoughts say nothing about you as a person. Everyone(!) has them and our mental illness just makes us think differently and worry easier than other people.

Good luck and much love to anyone out there

[scrubseverr]

I was diagnosed with a mild version of OCD this year as well. Therapy helped a TON, probably the best decision I made this year. 10/10 recommend. Let's break the stigma on mental health and seek help if we need to! ✨🌟 Dftba!

[hlongvlogs]

I was recently diagnosed with OCD, and so I’ve been watching a lot of videos on other people’s experiences with OCD. And I’ve started to realize that I’ve done these things MY ENTIRE LIFE and didn’t think it was ocd because I don’t excessively wash my hands or clean/organize everything. Yet I have the SAME obsessions/compulsions you’re describing and I have my entire life. It just solidifies the diagnosis for me and after several other diagnoses, this one finally feels right and I feel like I can move on and begin to heal.