Rant: the aspirational ideal of the “stay at home wife/girlfriend”

[chavesa]

People who have never been financially abused/controlled really don't know how bad it can actually get, and the incredible demoralizing/atrophying effect it has on someone.

[brookehumphrey]

Also important to remember that the stay at home mom has only ever applied to upper middle class women, both my grandmothers and all my great aunts worked. There choices were nurse, teacher, cleaner etc. but they could never afford to not work.

[Handle]

I was with a man for 10 years who was financially, emotionally and finally physically abusive. The moment I got a decent job I left. Going on 7 months free and I will NEVER put myself in such a helpless and vulnerable position again.

[saltytbone]

I'm still scarred by my abusive dad asking my stay-at-home mom during a fight "where are you going to go? how are you going to pay for it?" I 100% know this is a problem caused by an abusive partner and that there are plenty of healthy relationships, but that night sticks with me.

[jenniferwells]

As someone who is disabled and unable to work, it's not so aspirational. Constantly knowing that you have to count on someone else to be willing to pay to keep you going is not fun. Not being sure if it's ok to order the food I want because my husband might not want to pay for it is very stressful. It's still better than living with my mother who was abusive on top of making me feel like garbage for only being able to contribute what I could each month. I don't make enough on disability to even pay for a government subsidized apartment, no housing assistance because I don't have a kid. Always make sure you have some sort of income for yourself.

[Print]

Please, please, PLEASE do a video on the economics of childcare AND eldercare! This is what women are facing more and more as boomers become elderly. About 30% of people age 65 or older are expected to get dementia before they die and they are currently expected to live 10 plus years needing care. (All numbers expected rise.) Memory care currently costs 7k-10k per month per person. GOOD and exceptionally difficult-to-get long term care plans only pay for five years, max, and often don't cover everything or have sneaky limits or rules. Medicare and it's supplement plans don't pay it. Childcare, in my area, costs $600/per week per kid. Both of these things are so outrageously expensive that parents are increasingly using illegal, unregistered and unlicenced childcare centers and then are still forced out of the workplace to take care of disabled elderly parents FOR DECADES. Some romantics who have never cared for a boomer with dementia will argue it's the child's responsibility and privilege to care for their parents. But the reality of dementia for the boomer population (who will live longer with it and do not have the temperament of the silent generation) is one of aggression, wandering, terrible hallucinations, panic attacks, sleeplessness for days on end, and harassment of neighbors making it nearly impossible to keep them at home for the duration of their disease, especially if you have children in the home, too. THIS is the economic epidemic coming to the USA right now. Please get the word out, lady.

[heartdragon]

Post covid, im one of those moms that ended up at home. It's better financially till both kids are in school next year. My husband is in no way controlling, but i still hate not having my own income. I still have to rely on him and hope everything goes well for him at work always. And that has to be more pressure on him. I want us both to have that wiggle room that even a smaller second income provides.

[theblaqlyfe]

I'm a single mom who works from home and I thank God for it. It seems to be the best balance for me.

[kathrynstemler]

It is not that woman didn’t work previously. Cooking, laundry, cleaning etc. were many many many times harder than they are with modern machines. Plus piecework was a thing. Children were relied on for their labour. Mothers might be physically at home but it is not like they weren’t working their asses off.

[a.r.bolton]

Fuck being a kept woman, I wanna be a bog witch hermit

[loriar]

Given the amount of stress connected to the modern work environment, it's understandable that women today would see the house wife through rose tinted glasses. But the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It's very risky to depend on another person for your livelihood. And when you think of homemaking as a job, it's not at all glamorous, and for some, not very fulfilling. There's no easy solution.

[sweetsimpleslowlife]

I grew up in a household where my mom was always the breadwinner, with both of her husbands in both marriages. I have no idea what it's like to be a stay at home mom because I'm a solo parent with full custody of my daughter, so naturally I was the only parent to provide and pay the bills. Kept woman or man is possible for those who have financial stability and don't mind or prefer to provide for their partner. 😉

[saast]

Modern women have choices. That's what separates and liberates them from being marginalized. No matter what the choice is, making it for the woman is marginalizing her. She who chooses for herself is Free!

[kburkes]

All my daughters aspire to be stay-at-home mothers, whereas I aspired to have a career. The pendulum swings 😉

[triggered]

Yes, Life is about choices and they all have consequences.
I know of women well into their 50’s who are stuck at home with their parent(s) after a failed marriage because they spent more time seeking attention from men and looking to “get chosen” as opposed to investing in and making something of themselves during their youngest years. And these “trad life” influencers/conservative faction of society conveniently disregard the blatant reality that such a scenario is a direct outcome of their value system.

If a person decides they don’t want to enter the workforce and can find someone to take care of all the financial responsibilities associated with their life, they are free to do so. I don’t think it’s something society should encourage though. Encouraging young girls (or anyone for that matter) to be lazy, entitled, and dependent when we live in a country that grants us so many opportunities to secure ourselves really is a fool’s errand considering how vulnerable a position women are in when they have no resources of their own.

[katarh]

People are always surprised when they learn my husband and I maintain separate checking accounts. I've seen what happened to one of my sisters when she never had control over any of her money as a "kept woman." While I love my husband dearly, its absolutely critical that we have a small separation of finances, especially since in our case no kids are involved. Big joint purchases like vacations, cars, or even home furnishings are discussed and planned ahead of time and then split - it stops so many potential arguments from happening in the first place.

[eveellisen]

It really frustrates me that this discussion on this channel always immediately dissolves into judgmental accusations of women who stay at home wanting to be regressive trad wives, or just always bringing up the fact that your mom or grandma was a housewife and your dad or grandpa abused her, therefore no woman should ever stay at home ever again.

[sd-chcq]

I think the 2x3 model is best: both parents work 3 days (on different days of the week). That way they both can take care of the home and they can both keep their career going.

But that won't be financially viable for everyone.

[scootergirl]

My mother just finally after 34 years was able to separate from my dad, who was controlling her finances and basically saw her as a servant. To see young women aspire to that just tells they haven’t had a whole lot of real world experience

Not that someone staying at home can never work, but it involves a very mature and communicative relationship to work.

Not a relationship you will likely have when you are 22.

[ah]

Ive been a sahm before i was depressed and hated my life. Ive been a working mom too. Idk what id even do as a "kept woman" what ever that means without children. That seeems unfulfilling