When Did Marriage Become about Love?

Did you know marrying for love is a pretty recent development in human history? A couple in love at a wedding may seem like the most natural thing in the world, but for most of human history this was not the principal motivation for the union of two people. Marriage has traditionally been about alliances, gaining in-laws, and expanding the family labor force. So how did love conquer marriage? Watch the episode to find out.

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Written and Hosted By: Danielle Bainbridge
Graphics By: Noelle Smith

Works Cited:

Marriage Traditions:

Stephanie Coontz (scholar on marriage and family structure)
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage
The Way we never were: American families and the Nostalgia trap
Michael Warner
The Trouble with Normal

Marriage and Legal/Tax benefits:

Loving vs. Virginia

Handwashing episode comment links:

[owpqieurty]

The best advice my mom ever gave me was "dont marry for love." It sounds cold at first. But it's not. She was always clear. You should love the person you marry, but if you are getting married solely because you love them you're probably in trouble. You can fall in love with anyone, it doesn't mean it will lead to a successful marriage. You should get married because you have similar goals, parenting styles if you want children, family/household expectations, and you are in a place in life where marriage is practical (among many more reasons) AND you love someone. I am so incredibly happy in my marriage to a man I love, but who I didn't choose to marry only because I love him. Idk it makes perfect sense to me. Am I confusing you guys?

[KatieLamoreaux]

After 10 years of marriage I’ve learned love isn’t enough. It takes effort.

[katiekatie]

You have to remember that most of the history we hear about revolves around rich nobles. Just because something was common for nobles doesn't mean it was true of the general population.

[PAULIVenezuela]

When I got married, the lady ask to my husband and I why we were getting married... we start to list many practical motives like "taxes", "good jobs", "like her/his family values", "support my dreams and ambitions" and the officer always said "what else?", finally we get to the part were we said something like "I don't know, love?" And that was the answer she was waiting for... after that I said "lady, if you ask us why we are getting married, we will respond with many practical and even economical reasons, but if you started with why are you two together, then we will respond with the romantic love part"... needless to say, this caused a lot of laughs

[NWOALERT]

"What's the secret to a long marriage? Well, you don't get divorced."
- Olivia Harrison

[vidyasreeram]

As someone whose parents are only married because my mother was basically forced into it by her family and my father was always verbally and emotionally abusive, let me just say that only looking at the number of years 2 people have spent together says nothing about the quality of those years.

[isixqueenxofxmadness]

I once read that arranged marriages are less likely to end just because of the social pressure associated with it. The partners won't even consider separation, because the shame or social disapproval that comes with it is worse than whatever nightmare of a relationship they have.

Also I personally believe love matched marriages are more likely to end because both parties will feel that if their relationship is not the best they shouldn't be forced to be together. The freedom that comes with love matching also reflects in freedom of choosing when to end it, I think.

But it could also be that people just become infatuated and get married quickly and then when they get to know each other they realize they never actually liked each other.

And final thought, why does your life companion have to be your lover? I think it would be great if you could make some sort of contract with your best friend or something like that.

[DiveMaiden]

There's a joke my father used to tell. (Simplified preamble: divorced Catholics are not allowed to remarry in the church, but confession can absolve all sins.) - A Catholic couple were having marital issues. A friend asked one. "Why don't you get divorced?" They responded, "Divorced? Never." Then thought to themself *Murder? ...Maybe.*

[lisahannah]

Anytime I'm marrying a couple I start the premarital counseling by asking them why they they want to get married. I actually find it refreshing when they speak of things other than just love. You can love each other and not get married.

[flymypg]

I was once engaged to my BFF: We always enjoyed each other's company, easily shared the ups and downs, and even cohabitated without significant issues. But we called it off because we both thought romantic love was a requirement. We've remained friends since. We've often discussed that decision, and came to regret it, but chose never to second-guess it. We did agree that, if time travel were possible, we'd both take a do-over of that decision.

[shemesh]

In Judaism consent for marriage was always very important. This is demonstated when Rivkah was asked if she would agree to marry Isaac. They made a point that she shouldnt go unless she wanted to.

[stealthspoon]

Very big thumbs up. Love marriages are emotion based. Marriages should be about wisdom and shared values and Love comes as a result of that

[MsAnna]

Wherever women have their own money and access to education, there is less need and lessened necessity for marriage, period, plain and simple; and therefore the freedom to make the decision to marry based on love is such a privilege and even whimsical in a sense, not merely a luxury. Where women will be homeless if they don't marry or get taken in by other relatives when their parents are gone there is a stark necessity for marriage and I can image has resulted down through these few thousand years in billions of unhappy but tolerated unions just so a girl could eat every day … but I dunno.

[sailordolly]

Another factor that came from the Enlightenment in the 18th century was the rejection of caste systems (i.e. the hereditary division between nobility, commoners, etc.). With hereditary social status of families no longer a matter of law, it became much less important that one's mate be from a certain social class, which was a major driver for shifting the choice from one of "marrying into this family" to one of "marrying this individual".

[matcha]

i think a reason for the fact that arranged marriages have lower divorce rates is because of the culture where they are more common, divorce is a big taboo in the places where arranged marriages are common

[shoyuramenoff]

All the arranged marriages in my parents' generation either ended horribly or are currently in jeopardy. My parents met each other and have been together since '94.

[L.R._Red]

I don’t think I’ve ever loved a YouTube channel so much! This channel deserves a much bigger following

[sonnybrown]

I think i've found my new favorite channel.

[ElleKelsheimer]

There's many forms of love and we over-simplify it into this one word. I see romantic relationships as different balances of these different types. My husband and I, for example, have always had a very high friendship and sexual compatibility, but not a very high romance/limerence factor. I think basing a life-long relationship on friendship is probably going to be more stable and less draining in the long run. :D

[infinitegalaxy]

For me, the most important thing is trust and mutual respect. In so many marriages I have seen people being married unhappily to each other, not because they don't love them, but because they do not trust or respect their partner and/or possessive/insecure. Falling in love is easy, but maintaing that companionship through life, takes a whole lot more than love.