Why is it Impossible to Gain Confidence?

In this video, we'll explore the intriguing concept of confidence and why it might seem challenging to attain. Contrary to common belief, confidence isn't something to be gained; rather, it's the inherent default state within us.

Often, the struggle with confidence stems from ingrained insecurities rather than a lack of confidence itself. Unlearning these insecurities becomes pivotal in rediscovering and embracing the innate confidence that resides within.

Dr. K’s Guide to Mental Health explores Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Meditation

▼ Timestamps ▼
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1:40 What am I supposed to do to gain confidence?
2:15 The reason you can’t gain confidence
3:55 Why do people lose confidence?
6:10 How do I unlearn insecurity?
8:50 The last time you were confident
12:15 Reexamining your experiences
18:30 Going out to build confidence

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DISCLAIMER

Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.

All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

#healthygamergg #lifeadvice #confidence

[zoruauser]

I realized over time that confidence doesn't just come from what you learn, it also comes from what you don't learn, in a weird sense. Picking up healthy habits overall has improved my confidence

[rain]

100% true. My grandma has dementia, she lost all memories about her past failures in life. She even can't wipe her arse, but omg she has more confidence in her actions than Tony Robbins.

[AlienKissy]

TLDR- Helping dogs with confidence issues helped me with mine.
The reference to dogs is wonderful. I have worked with dogs for over 15 years and working with them has helped ME probably more than some of the therapies I have tried. Puppies are born confident. While some may be more timid or less social, they still have a sense of confidence. It all comes down to teaching a dog who has lost confidence because of abuse, neglect or any other reason that what they are afraid of won't harm them. There is obviously a difference for us humans since we process things differently and can draw out ideas or imagine things about the future. Dogs simply know they were hurt or scared by something, so they don't want to be hurt or scared by it again. As a result, I simplified my fears, insecurities, and anxiety to think about it the way dogs think, and I used the tools that I use to get dogs out of this state of mind (by not coddling the fear, but making things fun that were once scary or demonstrating to them that no matter what I ask them to do, they will be safe if they trust me) and I was able to work through a lot of things my brain could never work through with its complex processing method. Dogs also taught me SO MUCH about forgiveness, living in the present, and really appreciating the little things. My confidence was found by helping dogs to find their confidence again.

[ThingsILove]

That was about 5 years of therapy in 20 minutes.
Awesome truths.

[nehalilisays]

This seems very relevant for people who deal with social anxiety. The standard treatment seems to be putting people into the social situations they are afraid of (behavioural therapy). But in my experience it mainly helps you to get used to everyday life situations while not really adressing the special situations in your life in which you kinda have to be the best version of yourself, like dates and job interviews. For those situations it's important to actually feel comfortable in your own skin.

[asez]

Caroline Winkler (an interior design youtuber) said something that really helped me shift my perspective on confidence when she said something to the effect of "Confidence isnt always about thinking you're great all the time, sometimes confidence is just trying to show up as your authentic self." I feel like too often we try to mold our personalities into something we think other people will like when in reality we just need to be ourselves. Plus it takes the pressure off of feeling like we constantly need to love ourselves all the time

[doomdoot]

That whole thing about the nugget of trauma hits upon an interesting point (for me): As a kid I liked to read a lot, especially highly fantastical stories. Over time I feel like that got me cast as the "outsider" kid who didn't really vibe with the rest of the group. Fast forward a few years (and a lot of affirmation), and as a teenager I started to believe that I was just a natural lone wolf. Fast forward another few years (early 20s) and one light depressive episode later, I noticed that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm one of the "cool" kids, because my friends would just chill with me anyways. That whole insecurity about "I have to pretend to be cooler than I am to fit in" just...disappeared over a handful of weeks, because my friends helped me unlearn that pattern of thought that I hadn't even really considered as "wrong".

That being said, talking to strangers at parties or other social events is still fucking weird and will probably require a bunch more unlearning - but progress was made and that genuinely dragged me out of a dark place back when.

[yiyas]

I think it's quite beautiful that confidence arises once you let go of the trauma and other self-identity aspects of yourself, rather than being "achieved" by accomplishing a goal or reaching a new height. Like a treasure chest that was ignored just because it was in the attic, under a dusty set of badly stitched quilts and outgrown school jackets. It's always been there but life makes most of us forget this beauty that is inside of us.

Beyond just the psychological dynamics at play during the confidence restoration process, I am at awe at the poetic path that this takes, from ourselves into ourselves.

[Sviztelen]

This video floored me as someone who has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADHD. I was bullied since I was 6 after getting sexually assaulted so I was terrified growing up. In my diagnosis they also detailed that I have 0 self esteem. Therapy definitely helps, but I can confidently say(lol) this video has helped me frame my mind so much better about understanding the sum of my scars and how it affects me every day. I truly thought once that I moved past this trauma from my childhood into my teen years but I realize now that I haven't; I just didn't understand how it affects me to this day. I still believe those horrible things people said to me, as hard as it is to admit that. Taking back your life isn't going to happen overnight, but taking a step, even if it's just a small one, is progress nonetheless.

If you're reading this, you have value. You are worth it. You are not what people think and say about you. Stay strong for you, not for anyone one else. ❤

[AJBuddha]

You’ll never gain confidence by sitting in your house 24/7 & complaining about all your imperfections. What you need to do is set a plan & complete goals that lead up to a bigger goal. If you want to love yourself you gotta work & improve yourself. Sitting & complaining does nothing to change anything it’s just making the problem worse ‼️👍🏽

[noctethales]

What if we're not able to remember what exactly happened when we were young that lead to a lose of confidence? I ask myself when was the last time I was confident as a kid, and the answer I give myself is basically I never was. I do not remember the time I had it or started losing it.

[matchasgotcha]

What's helped me:

1. Work out and make slow progress
2. Hone a craft and make slow progress

Emphasis on the slow progress. I wasn't confident in myself two years ago but it's not easy at all and it can escape you. Genuinely curious what helped other people

[vietnamese_man]

Dr. K and HG continuing to be THE online mental health resource available out there. The way Dr. K approaches issues such as insecurity and relationships is so refreshing because he challenges our preconceived notions about self-help topics and adds extremely valuable insights (in this video, for example, he changes 'gaining confidence' to 'unlearning insecurity'; 'what makes it hard to be confident?' vs. 'How to be confident').

I don't know exactly what it is, but HG just feels so much more insightful and personal than typical mental health advice out there.

[amandaamanda]

This made me realise that i've never been confident. I was always a very anxious, nervous child huh

[kamranhamidfar]

Doing what is right instead of needing to impress people and knowing that we can't change people regardless of our confidence levels can hugely improve it.

[TheMonacleSpy]

I like the idea that confidence is not something given to you externally but rather something you give yourself whether surviving something difficult or improving upon the person you were before. Speaking or acting confidently is not about being the loudest voice or the showing off but rather talking and acting where you are most needed because you know nothing will threaten your position.

Other people cannot give you confidence. They can give gratitude, love, shame, but never confidence. It is your ability to stand amidst the tide of their criticisms that will hone your confidence.

[nimbus]

Epitectus' "If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." Makes a lot more sense given the idea that confidence is only lost, rather than gained. If you throw out the insecurity of starting something new, then you have less opportunities to grow insecurities

[cwquick]

Ever since I started watching healthy gamer, I actually get kind of excited when I experience negative emotions because I recognize them as opportunities to grow stronger mentally.

[adibq]

You’ve really helped in teaching me to accept myself, and helped me see life in a new perspective. Love what you do for the community and me.

[SewerMatt]

I spent years trying to make myself confident but all I could ever do was put on an act of confidence, it wasn’t until after I burnt out of trying and took some time to myself to really face my insecurities head on that I finally understood what real confidence actually feels like. I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, it really is so freeing to finally let it go, would reccomend.